Sunday, August 29, 2010

An EXCLUSIVE Club I Was Invited Into...

The continuation of my last post, where I said on this afternoon of shooing mosquitoes left and right, my son taking pictures of what was supposed to be a weeding update..became the afternoon that I instead was invited INTO a very exclusive club, one that I have not been invited into since it had been renovated.
Here it is :
This is my professional photographer's tree fort, HIS special club that he has been redecorating for weeks now . He gets that from me, never satisfied until he ' sees ' just what he wants.

I look up at his fort, ask if I can come in and he says, very warily , but also mildly eagerly...' Yes. " But he has to go in first to allow me access, thru a barrier that is a piece of wood across the entrance that has to be moved.
Anticipation was mounting.
I felt very privileged. 
He has it all decorated with the essentials that a 9 year old may need at any moment.
As you can see, he bangs around with his hammer for quite some time to have holders for his necessities. His binoculars, his empty peanut butter jar to catch bugs in , water guns,toy trucks,  and do believe the little scavenger has one of my briefcase straps hanging from the top. I don't use my briefcase anymore anyway.
A handy-dandy paper towel holder, a few super heros , balanced with nails ( I love that ). He made all these shelves inside himself. He used old found wood from his dad's workshop and about 3000 nails.
Quick access to the other entrance/exit via a rope ladder.

Silver surfer super hero, a hammer he pilfered from the house , and a snappy bungie cord.
The serious necessities of a decorator outdoors, tape measure , mosquito spray, his container of 3000 nails, another old hammer of mine...and another super hero.

 Very important information he worked on about the most dangerous seas of all time. I am unsure if these are seas or sea creatures ? Apparently he considers this important , ready to access info, at a moment's notice in his fort.
 Every clubhouse needs a clock.
Numerous warnings about not going under this fort because the little nut hammered roofing nails all in the floor of it, so if you go underneath and stand...POW, a nail  in the head ! My husband allowed him to do this, I protested..always consider the danger of things for children...and now we have these warnings posted on all sides , written by my son, until my husband replaces his floor.
I won't even write what I am thinking, but I know that the wives out there know what I would say.
 The landlord-president of this club, sitting on MY replica Charleston small bench he got up here with his dad. Sticky fingers child , took this from it's front yard decorative spot and snuck it up here.
He also took my thermometer and nailed it to the side.
His yucky skull and cross bones flag he bought in Charleston, just to put out here. I told him it had to be placed so I could NOT see it from my kitchen window when I look at my garden. Don't like anything with skulls and crossbones .
I squeezed my way up her, and sat on his little bench. I was feeling privileged, he looked at me to see if I knew I was privileged, as only KIDS ( boys ) are allowed in here . I know he knows I have been sad , and he knows he makes me I think that is why he allowed me up here.
My little boy loves me.
Then we sat, on that little bench together, and looked around..and decided to use the self-timer and take pictures of us in his fort.
Most were flubs, but some of the flubs are cute , to me.
It was one of the few times lately I actually smiled know , from the inside out , instead of just on the outside. Just for a few moments, I cannot explain how hard it is to actually smile these days. Little children are so precious .
I then squeezed my way out without being poked by his guard stick. Barely.
YUCK ! Saw this in my face on the way out. He loves anything related to pirates.
Then the club president whizzed by me to swing down from his handy exit rope.

What a cutie-patootie I have. He must have done this 15 times for me to get the right shot that HE liked.

Then he and Maxine , and I went back in to escape our resident terrorist mosquito raiders. My son made me feel special that afternoon , and being with him in his special place..decorated in his unique way , was priceless to me.

I wanted to let my readers know , today and even yesterday afternoon, I felt a little better...better about God, better about leaning into Him , not 100 %... ...but I know how desperately my soul misses Him . I love God very , very much.
I so very much appreciate all your comments and prayers and ideas you send my way. Very kind of all of you, thank you,

 " Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD. "
  Psalm 27:13-14

Friday, August 27, 2010

Holding GOD at Arm's Length

Here I am with Maxine, holding her off kissing me , even though I just sprayed myself down with mosquito deters her a bit. I decided to take my professional photographer , my resident 9 year old son, out to take some pictures of my garden and me working in it.  I like to look at other gardeners working in their gardens on their blogs too. This blog is truthfully a nice distraction from my pain , and so is my garden.
But only a quick fix. A short reprieve. 
I look at it alot. Stare at it out my window, come stand out here and just ' be ' and try to still my mind.
I put on one of my gardening pants, my 4.00 LOVE camisole shirt I bought at Target , and my attractive rubber clogs , plus long white socks of my husbands. And gobs of mosquito spray. I told my son, just start taking pictures of me working. Instead I got about 10 of me working, 5 of the sky, 55 of Maxine and his tree fort , and 7 of nothing.
So much work out here. I have no idea why my garden seems oblivious to what is missing in my life. Why it is still very pretty ? How days go on as if they are normal. How life keeps going on as if nothing happened ? My daughter meant so much, she was so valuable to this world , so important a can life go on as if nothing happened ? 
I do forget that newer readers may not know my 21 year old daughter was killed  in a one-car accident a little over 6 weeks ago now.

 My little boy asks me "Why did you buy that shirt that says LOVE ? ". I told him, it was cheap and would keep me cool in the hot weather, I am sure half the college girls and half of pre-teens may have this as it was in one of those bins in the front of Target where they put these super-cheapy deals. But, I was just going to wear it to garden , nowhere else, and I made my garden with love. So that's why I bought it.
He looks at the LOVE on my shirt, then looks up at me to see if I really mean it...then he appears satisfied I did and walks away to take more pictures.
I have been asking God lots of questions, angry questions, accusing questions, pointed questions. Repetitive questions. Did He not know how valuable, how special she was ? How much she could give to this world ?
No answers. I did get 2 insights , two I will write about in another post. But no definitive answers.

I am suffering in my relationship with Him, as I know I do not trust Him like I was learning to do. I know I am not alone in this world, losing someone dear to me , someone tragically young, someone with a heart of gold. I am just confused who He is exactly , or learning who He exactly is...and it was not my version of my God. I always believed He would protect those who love Him, guide them daily in their lives, and especially protect the ones who may not be perfect but are really trying to be a better person, a stronger Christian. Like my Sarah.
Good gracious He protected me as a nutty, impetuous, erratic driver when I was young. So why not me, why instead her ?

I have read all the ' because there is sin in this world, that is why she died.", analogies. I have read, ' the rain falls on the just and unjust' lessons. I have heard it must have been ' her time ' to go advice.
But let me try to explain, that once you see your beautiful, full of life child, laid in  a casket, never to breathe again...if you believe you will automatically be OK with the situation spiritually, that your Christian faith will sustain you, that you will completely trust God's will in this tragedy..then you will be mistaken, as the wind will be sucked out of your spiritual sails , almost daily.

My heart and soul feels as overflowing with doubt and confusion as my garden is overflowing with weeds. I talk to God, I know that I should keep drawing nearer to Him, as the Bible tells me to...but I hold Him at arm's length while I fuss. My soul is despairing over the emptiness of my life without my Sarah, and now the emptiness of my soul without my complete trust in God. About how UNFAIR this was to her. That fact really, really kills me.
Relationships, human and otherwise...will not flourish without trust. I want to trust Him, I want to say that He is good and just..always. But I cannot, and that is painful to me.
So , arm's length...not with my back to him...just not allowing Him to get close to me yet.
I do know that I love Him, He is my God , Jesus is my savior. But my spirit and soul and heart are crushed with the weight of this loss.

Deep in my garden here.

I was getting attacked my mosquitoes, left and right. Trying to swat them away , miserable to work or try to like this. Can you see all the weeds , crazy.

I am going to stop this post , and will write about an exclusive club I was invited to that same afternoon as the mosquito invasion. Look at all the weeds  mixed with my flowers. See my heart behind me garden really does soothe me. I am trying to get out here more, my husband sprayed for mosquitoes yesterday and it did help. I am trying to keep up with it , I have not had it inside me to work out here.

I appreciate you followers very much...don't give up on me getting my spiritual walk back on track, I know that God will not ever give up on me. I just need to learn how to not give up on Him.

Bless you,


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The OTHER Side of My FRONT YARD Garden & Big WATER Oak

Here is the opposite side of my front yard gardens, with a little boy and bunny statue inside a pot of Mexican petunias, and begonias, and snapdragons.

 I'm a bunny lover.

 These cast iron plants are very unhappy here, as they get too much sun. I need to move them. My husband used caulk to put a blue glass globe on this birdbath base. In the cold it has come loose before, but it is secure again...I think...I haven't tested it lately.
Will do that later.
So I basically have added 7 beds to my front yard, and one around the Cedar tree in the very front.

 Maxine posing as if a Kennel Club judge is around.

My circular bed with Miss garden of Good and Evil statue. It looks very nice in the Spring with yellow flowers on the ground cover and foxgloves. Someone needs to weed this pronto.

Someone also need to prune her azalea bushes behind this, last week.
Hey, see the cool black wall plaque on the house..let me show it to you.
I like hanging plaques on brick. Ignore how dirty it is.
More bricks I find and pile up like a little kid finding rocks and stuffing them in their pockets...I stuff them around my yard. Yard pockets here and there.

One of the 4 oleander plants I bought, they did well last year, this year..mostly yellow and dropping leaves. I know they can be poisonous if ingested or if the leaves are burnt, am not doing either and have warned my son to not play with them. These are all over Charleston, SC ( and my neighborhood )so I had to plant some.

Oh ! want to show you my giant water oak tree, stand approx. 120-150 feet tall and is about 70 years old.

See Mrs. Yard-lady's lawnmower, look at the size of my tree next to it.
Big base.

Whew. Every time there is a terrible thunderstorm or ice storm, and this tree starts swaying out front, I'm going , " Holy Moly , please God don't let that tree fall on our house ! " So far, no tree on house, but it had some giant limbs break during an ice storm in 2004 that busted some lights and some bushes.

I am into trees in the last 6-7 years or so. I had an aunt, that I adored, she was 6 feet tall, wore a large winding bun of long hair around her  head, and decorated it with scarfs to match her outfits. She was visiting from Texas, I am a Texan not a South Carolinian , and we were doing a tour near Charleston of Middleton Plantations. She and I were walking around, I was pregnant with my daughter Sarah at-the time, and we were touring the house and grounds. She kept walking outside, looking up at the live oaks, all 6 feet plus bun of her, and I said, " Would you stop looking at trees all the time ? "
She just said how beautiful they were. Miss Sassy-pants here replied, " I'll know I'm old when I look at trees all the time. "
She laughed , she passed away about 7 years ago, and she would laughing more because..I look at trees all the time and so I'm officially old.

Maxine not staying in her own yard when she is out with me.
Typical noisy neighbor dog.

She is very protective of me, my guard dog. She gets in big trouble if she barks at my mailman though , as he is so sweet and always calls me , " Darlin".
Front bed not looking so hot, dries out very quickly.

Another bunny peeking through, too much glare when I took these shots, sorry.
Some of the monkey grass ( lirope ), I planted all across the front brick wall.

Good and Evil statue looking at a bed I planted in front of her. I imagine she is thinking it needs some major watering and added plantings.
She is correct.

One of my front planters , with ivy caressing some cupids. I got these beautiful cement planters at a close-out of them at a garden store for 90.00 for the pair. They are copies of antique ones, and normally sell for 198.00 each. Great detail on them.

Forgot to show a neat idea, that at first my husband said would not work, but then he made it work. We had a vent to the attic here , simple slats , and I said, " Why not put a stained glass window there ? " he huffed at me, stared at it, argued....then, made it work. Talented woodworker.
It is much prettier than this, and he put vents around the edges. I will get a better picture to show the colors another time. I have to run , things to do.

Bless you,