Wanted to show a few pictures from my center, or Mother garden, to all of my gardens. I think of each of my garden beds as extensions of this one. I remember distinctly, staring out my big window and planning to start this garden from nothing.
Or weeds, there was a large area that encompassed the back yard that was weeds and grass. So I went out one day, about 7 years ago, and dug up a center area. Right where that fountain is.
My husband thought I was nuts, and he likes clean, simple backyards. Grass and bushes , nothing ' busy or cluttered '...that did not stop me, as I know he was not against me doing it, just not ' for' me doing it.
I have no idea why my garden is doing OK right now. I have not really been tending it.
My blue plumbago is blooming,, now on both sides of my garden. Even my trumpet vine is re-blooming, third time since the Spring.
I do trim it back, it is quite happy to be here, but vines are generally too happy anywhere.
I look at it, I look at my garden everyday...and I guess it is pretty. Colors, even beautiful things I see ...are now dulled.
Someone needs to get out here and weed.
On my walk this morning, I prayed or mainly talked with God, just a little. I am not ' praising ' God, or expressing thankfulness through my sorrow. I have tried, but it is hollow inside and I know He knows I do not mean it. I feel like a reluctant Christian...not running to God right now. But also not letting go of Him.
You know, like a child forced to hold their Father's hand when they cross a busy street. I had all of my children go through that, " I'm too big to hold your hand', and they would reluctantly grasp a finger of mine, and not my whole hand. And they would scowl and pout the whole way across the street.
I do not want to hear from more ' mature' Christians that I just need to trust Him, all will be fine. The only ones I believe , are the ones who have walked in my shoes now.
The other Christians, the ones who THINK they know how they would react or act in my circumstances...are really fooling themselves as I thought I was much stronger in my faith than I am appearing or feeling.
I would not respond how Abraham in the Bible responded to God, when God told him to sacrifice his beloved son, Issac, on the mountain. Abraham trusted God, and went forward , God admired Abraham's faith and He gave him another sacrifice instead of his son.
I would have told God, " No way am I going to do that. ', if He had asked me to sacrifice my child. Any of my children. I am not trying to be sacrilegious when I say that. I have been a terribly over-protective ( safety-wise ) mother of all my children for all of their lives. My basic nature is to protect my children and nurture them , in a strong way .
That revelation is nothing new to God, He knows me.
I guess I am saying this to let you know that I know God will use my daughter's death, my Sarah, for good. I know that.
But that does not comfort me, not at all, it does not strengthen my faith at all. Not now.
My faith is smaller than it was, but still there.
I am holding on reluctantly to Him...with one finger , not happy...not letting go,
on this road.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28-29