Friday, August 6, 2010


Wanted to show a few pictures from my center, or Mother garden, to all of my gardens. I think of each of my garden beds as extensions of this one. I remember distinctly, staring out my big window and planning to start this garden from nothing.
Or weeds, there was a large area that encompassed the back yard that was weeds and grass. So I went out one day, about 7 years ago, and dug up a center area. Right where that fountain is.
My husband thought I was nuts, and he likes clean, simple backyards. Grass and bushes , nothing ' busy or cluttered '...that did not stop me, as I know he was not against me doing it, just not ' for' me doing it.
I have no idea why my garden is doing OK right now. I have not really been tending it.
My blue plumbago is blooming,, now on both sides of my garden. Even my trumpet vine is re-blooming, third time since the Spring.
 I do trim it back, it is quite happy to be here, but vines are generally too happy anywhere.
I look at it, I look at my garden everyday...and I guess it is pretty. Colors, even beautiful things I see ...are now dulled.

Someone needs to get out here and weed.
On my walk this morning, I prayed or mainly talked with God, just a little. I am not ' praising ' God, or expressing thankfulness through my sorrow. I have tried, but it is hollow inside and I know He knows I do not mean it. I feel like a reluctant Christian...not running to God right now. But also not letting go of Him.
You know, like a child forced to hold their Father's hand when they cross a busy street. I had all of my children go through that, " I'm too big to hold your hand', and they would reluctantly grasp a finger of mine, and not my whole hand. And they would scowl and pout the whole way across the street.
That's me.
I do not want to hear from more ' mature' Christians that I just need to trust Him, all will be fine. The only ones I believe , are the ones who have walked in my shoes now.
The other Christians, the ones who THINK they know how they would react or act in my circumstances...are really fooling themselves as I thought I was much stronger in my faith than I am appearing or feeling.
I would not respond how Abraham in the Bible responded to God, when God told him to sacrifice his beloved son, Issac,  on the mountain. Abraham trusted God, and went forward , God admired Abraham's faith and He gave him another sacrifice instead of his son.
I would have told God, " No way am I going to do that. ', if He had asked me to sacrifice my child. Any of my children. I am not trying to be sacrilegious when I say that. I have been a terribly over-protective ( safety-wise ) mother of all my children for all of their lives. My basic nature is to protect my children and nurture them , in a strong way .
That revelation is nothing new to God, He knows me. 
I guess I am saying this to let you know that I know God will use my daughter's death, my Sarah, for good. I know that
But that does not comfort me, not at all, it does not strengthen my faith at all. Not now.
My faith is smaller than it was, but still there.
I am holding on reluctantly to Him...with one finger , not happy...not letting go,
on this road.

Bless you,

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28-29


  1. awww Gina, I do know exactly what your feeling. when the docs took my baby grandson off the machines I had complete faith in God that he would give us a miracle and Dominic would let out a loud wailing cry and everything would be just fine. When it didn't happened I was actaully shocked, indignant, hurt and furiously pissed off. I think I am a good Catholic, but I also know that any sacraficing I do, will be for MY children, they will always come first. If that means I go to hell, then so be it, nothing will ever make that change. It was almost funny one day when a former CCD student had asked about my daughter's baby. After telling him what happened he said to me "I guess you don't believe in God anymore", my reply " Oh I still beleive in God, I'm just really really pissed off at him right now." I couldn't handle going to church for a year cause I would just randomly start bawling...not crying...bawling, downright choking kind of sobbing. and I Absolutely HATE crying in front of anybody.
    And then there's the "trying to remember every single detail or every single day" cause I don't want to forget anything, I was terrified of forgeting, so I relived every moment of Dominic's 8 days, every single day.
    Botom line is, God is patient. He knows you're hurting and he knows you don't know why he did what he did, but he has faith enough for both of you, and when you're ready, you will began to know the answers for all the times you screamed "WHY?"
    God has a plan for you Gina, so hang in there. I promise things will ease up, though if you asked me 3 years ago I would silently wish you to hell and to get away from me. I almost didn't make it. I was/am already on anti depressants (Ithank God now!!) and I drank like a fish...every night I would look at the bottle of meds and consider taking them all. I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the unbearable pain to stop. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up to anymore pain. I was completely shattered and lost and could not see how anything would ever change. I was mad at everybody that couldn't look at me and see that my world was torn apart and at least act like it mattered a little, and at everyone for just merrily going on with thier lives. Selfish? maybe, but I really didn't care anymore.
    Give your heart all the time it needs and simply try to live each moment as it comes. And if you're used to being strong and independant, stop. LET other people take care of you. You still have people that need you, and they need to be able to help you, even if its just little things. For the people who love you, it's very hard to sit by and watch you suffer and not be able to help you. Every once and a while my husband would try to pick a fight with me....just to get to me to even care about something, anything to try and reach me.
    Sorry for rambling, but its hard making this short. I know there is no easy way to help you, nothing I can really say that will help. Just I hope that you know, there are people who do know what you're feeling, have been there and did make it, it is possible to go on, no matter how much your heart aches, it will ease up. You will never ever forget Sarah, in time your sadness will be relaced more often with happy memories.
    God Bless you and all your family.

  2. Dear Gina ~ Your mother garden is lovely. I think you've done a great job in 7 years. I love your crepe myrtles. They are so 'southern'. I'm glad I'm able to grow them down here too. Weed when you feel like it. I'm not a great 'weeder' at all, so that I always have weeds in my gardens. I don't have the time to keep up with it all, and just do the obvious, when I'm in the area.

    No one can tell you how you should be feeling/grieving. You are your own person, and everyone is different. God knows your heart, and He knows you are holding onto His finger. You are touching Him, like the lady who touched the hem of His garment and He KNOWS and His healing love is flowing through you. All healings are not instant, some take time. In that time we grow in God's grace and mercy. All we can do is take each day as it comes.

    Love, hugs and prayers ~ FlowerLady

  3. Gina, you are walking through the valley of the shadow, and only those who have done the same can understand just how dark that valley is. You continue to be on my heart and in my prayers.

  4. Gina, you are a strong and beautiful woman and handling this tough situation well. I love your blog. I know you love quotes and Scripture, as do I. Here is a sweet one: "I imagine our first glimpse of heaven will cause us to similarly gasp in amazement and delight." Randy Alcorn's book "Heaven"

  5. Oh Gina thats a very hard verse to comprehend and accept when a tragedy happens in our lives.

    Holding on with you

  6. One finger is enough. It's your grief and you must do in your way and your time. I think of you often.

  7. gina, i really love how you put that - holding on to his finger, but not wanting to. that's exactly how it is sometimes.

  8. I think in the times of our loss when we are grieving and going back and forth from pain to numbness all in one day and trying to get through where time alone helps to heal, that when we kind of stand off from God as we wonder the whys is the time when he is actually carrying us and understands us the most.Knowing even that he suffered the same loss does not make us feel any better it is just something that we have to struggle to go through until the time comes that we can look back and it does not hurt as much. I came to the decision that I may never know the why and that there might actually not be a reason at all other than stuff just happens. That I am not being judged, that I am not going through trials and tribulations to make me stronger and that there may not be some grand plan or revelation other than 'stuff just happens'.There are times in our lives that all of the scriptures in the Bible does not help and may even aggravate us and it does not mean that we are leaving God. You do not have to be that Christian rock, it is okay. It would only be religious of anyone to quote the scriptures at you at this time. There are just times when we just need the numbness until the hurts have passed.
    My heart goes out to you so much. Just take one day at a time and just get today over with and do the same tomorrow. Gina it is okay.

  9. I wish you streingth and hope you feeling a little bit better......God is great he can help you........lots of love Ria......

  10. Wow! I liked that picture, too -- of a reluctant child taking a parent's insisting hand while crossing a busy street! It helps me know a little what you are feeling (and how I'd probably feel, too, in such a difficult time).

    Meanwhile I'm kind of thankful you have your garden out back and that you take the time to share it with the rest of us. I love the disarray of it--never was one to like
    everything lined up in perfect little rows!

  11. I have been so busy lately, not near enough time to check on my blogging friends. I was glad to see a post from you and hear that you are back (a bit) in your garden. I scrolled through and love the Sarah's garden, and the story. The pic of the two of you reminds me of my daughter(17) and myself. She is a runner too and I (acl tears in both knees) am a bit more of a walker these days.
    I too am a seal belt pusher and always say buckle up before we pull out of the drive. I don't know, I cannot possibly compare such a loss. You seem to me to have all the qualities of a strong and stoic woman. You will get through this and blessing to you and your family.
    Heartfelt wishes,

  12. So sorry for your loss. I believe that you're doing exactly as you are supposed to do. It will take time. Hang in there. Time heals.

  13. I am very glad that you are writing and expressing your feelings. We all need an outlet during tough times in our lives, and your honesty and your willingness to express your most inner feelings is comforting to others who have or will someday 'unfortunately' walk in your shoes. Thank you for your openness, and I truly hope that your writing, and your online friends will help to ease your pain at some point. Even though we've never met you personally, those of us who comment really do care about you and your family. Prayers and love!

  14. Your garden is beautiful and I'm sure even more special to you because you created it.
    Sending you a hug and keeping you in my thoughts.

  15. I'm not in any position to understand any of this.

    I once read short biography about a woman who lost a grown child. My impression is that you will need to find answers. And you need to find answers for yourself.

    Some say that a garden can be a place of healing. You need to be alone with with the plants and the soil... and not while a lot of hammering is going on. Touch the river birch. I don't understand how plants and the earth help to heal, but some say that they do.

    And look at the stars, if you can see them in spite of the street lighting.

    Obeying the voice of God, in the sense that Abraham did, means listening to the quiet voice within.

    I read in another book, very recently, that there are two kinds of Christians:

    The author said that there are a large number of Christians who 'ape' Christ. They can recite the gospels and repeat platitudes. They think a cross is something that hangs on a wall or sits on an altar. They sing happy evangelical songs. But they do not understand what Christianity means.

    And there are a small number who 'walk in the footsteps' of Christ. They experience carrying the cross. Joan of Arc was cited as an example of a person who walked the walk.

    Quote: 'Joan of Arc didn't ape Christ, she imitated Christ by living her own individual destiny'.

    The woman whose bio extract I read did that.

  16. My first visit to your garden and to read of your loss. May your finger grasp to God's hand carry you through .. may the prayers of your family and friends cover you through your grief and sorrow.

    Your gardens are fairly new and yet have a well worn love about them ... just beautiful!

  17. You deserve to be mad, sad, lonesome...grieve. It is good. A tough job but you must do it. Let it go. God will understand. When my Mother was dieing she was upset because she couldn't pray any more. She thought God would abandon her. I believe in all my heart that won't happen. He knows. He loves. He forgives. He loves. I will pray for you. You are not alone. Peace.

  18. Your post was eloquent; I think of you daily.

    Hold on...

  19. I cannot imagine your grief. I can only send good thoughts your way. My heart hurts for you and your family. I just wouldn't know where to start healing I guess within myself and family.
    Gina, I love your Southern Gardens. And when your ready your garden is there to help take you away for a moment...I know when I'm in mind I can think and be away for awhile.

  20. Just know that I think of you often ...

  21. Dear Gina, when my faith has been tested (and it has been), I have felt so numbed and exhausted I could barely pray at all. But, as you have alluded to, our faith is based on fact and not on feelings. When we are beaten down and weak, "the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." ( Romans 8:26) This is one of my favorite verses. I am reassured that God understands our hearts and our tears, and his mercy does not depend on our feelings or the "strength" of our faith.

    I continue to pray for you and your family and for the Spirit's continual intercession on your behalf. I am glad you are still blogging. Your garden is lovely.

  22. Gina,
    I am stopping by to just say hi. I won't tell you any stories of my pain today but just let you know that someday I hope we meet. I do not stop thinking of you and wonder how you are each day.
    One of the hardest things we do as believers is try to be something we aren't.(Good)It is not really our fault, we just think we're supposed to act a certain way to be examples for Christ. I try to imagine the side of Christ so angry that he turned over the tables and caused a huge scene. That I can relate to.

    Intense grief acquaints us with a side of living that allows no counterfeits, you can only be what you are and at times it is raw and base, making us feel like not very good Christians and more often than not we just don't care. These are the feelings we have, not the Truth.

    Because WE ARE the same people who love God, who smiled and sang and felt joy and looked at the future with great anticipation just a few months ago.
    And God has not changed either, life is just now revealing to us some very intense places in our own hearts. Places we don't want to go and wouldn't wish on anyone.
    God always knew how we would feel and how difficult our faith-walk would become. None of this surprises Him and I doubt it disappoints Him either!

    As I continue to walk my journey through the pain, I sincerely believe that this doubt and anger and sometimes lack of trust is the most true and alive my faith has ever been because it is purely "The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
    I grapple in the darkness hanging on to a thread of belief because that is all I have and yet that is all I need. I have made it through another day. I love you.
    In Christ, Meg

  23. I don't have children, and I'm not particularly religious. I do care about how you're feeling though, and I'm so sorry that you're going through a parent's worst nightmare.

    When my dad died suddenly (and I'm not trying to compare this to your child's death, I know they're two completely different things), I continued going to my university classes. I had final exams the week after his funeral, and I took all of them. Studying intensely and doing a good job on my exams kept my spirit from imploding. People thought I was crazy to keep going to school while we were planning a funeral. Grieve in whatever way you want, and be as angry as you need to be. Don't even feel one bit of guilt about it. God is supposed to be loving and forgiving right?

    I found a blog started by a woman who calls herself Bub.

    She's in her 40's, and her husband died of terminal cancer recently. She started the blog as a way to get out her grief and anger. And she also has a great sense of humour, dark though it may be at times. It's good to get your feelings out in writing.


  24. Hello Gina, its been awhile since we've heard from you; I think of you often.

    Hold on.

  25. Dear Gina, I have been away on travel and unable to keep up with blogs, but I am so happy to see you back on here. I cannot pretend to know how you feel, I would certainly not be able to handle such a tradgedy with "Christian Maturity", as I haven't any. But you are back in your garden with all your memories and I hope your gardens will bring you some comfort.

  26. Hi Gina. I'm very sorry to hear your pain. I know no words can take away the hurt for I've been there too when my husband died at a young age, I was 24 and that was only 5 years ago. No one can relate to grief unless it happens to them, then you wonder how could something so tragic happen. I got tired of Christians telling me things I already knew, and worse asking "How are you?" I just wanted to disappear from the face of the earth! I wanted to remind you you're constantly in my thoughts and will keep praying for your comfort. God will be always be on your side, it's ok to grieve, express your feelings, and sometimes it will be mixed emotions. Your garden is beautiful...So are you and your daughter.

  27. hi gina, just stopping by to let you know i am thinking of you often. "small faith" is better than no faith. hang in there, sweety.

  28. Just checking in on you Gina to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

  29. Gina, Your garden looks lovely, and I am glad to hear your voice. Grieving has its own calendar and its own logic; it can't be rushed, and it doesn't respond to reason. Know that you have many friends out here in blogland who are sending healing thoughts your way. -Jean


I love comments , please leave one if you like. I try to respond to comments,but if I'm running behind, please know that I read each one before they are published. Thanks much, Gina