Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I WISH I was my DOG

  Everytime I look at Maxine lately, I wish I was her. No worries, tons of love, lots of long naps , happiness prevails with this dog.
I will also tell you, that I have always been a cat person, way before a dog person. My husband is the big dog lover, he does not like cats nearly as much. We have always had BIG dogs, German shepards, Black labs, Irish setter-lab combo, big large dogs.
I am not a let-my -dog-kiss-me-on-the-lips person, or let- my- dog -lick the- sweat- off- me person, or a I -don't- care- if- my- dog- drools- on- me person, or a let-the-dog-sleep-in-the-bed-with-us person.
That would be my husband again.
So you see, me wanting to be my dog lately is ironic. I will admit she is much sweeter than I am.
But with all the turmoil and tragedy of the last few weeks, I look at her and wish I could just simply ' be ' in this world , accepting the love I have offered me from who is here or near...like she does.
Not concerned about someone she has not seen in awhile.
Accepting the day as it comes , no concern or worry about anyone that is not in her direct line of sight.
Unlike me.
She knows she will be fed, she knows she will get the love she needs, she knows that life is good.
She is present , where she is.
No sadness, no anger, never irritated.
Unlike her mom.

Even in the 100 degree weather we have been having for weeks, she will come out with me , when I go out to my garden, which is not alot lately..and she will lay and watch me take a few pictures.
I planted a few plants that came during Sarah's funeral, around my shade garden. I do not know if they will grow, I just took some out of the pots, and sat in the dirt around my shade garden...and planted them.

Two hydrangeas , some ivys, some tropical something or others...and just put them in the dirt.

I also took my large metal butterfly stake, that I had to the side, and placed it in here. In my previous post, about seing the floating/flittering butterfly in Edisto...I did not write in the eulogy about my daughter...that I saw that butterfly the morning of her accident. On a beautiful stretch through a shaded area that she always ran ahead of me , when she was with us there. She was so much like a butterfly .
My heart is aching for her.

I am going to paint on this butterfly, " Sarah's garden ", in pink. Pink and purple were her favorite colors.

My cupids will oversee it.

My lady plaque on my river birch will also be around.

Sarah always loved my garden, front and backyard. She always told me so.

I really do appreciate all your comments , and am surprised that anyone is reading my blog lately. There used to be a fun , nutty ( or rather goofy ), assertive , inspirational  woman who wrote on this blog.
Now she is not around , my concept of time is off-kilter , my world is off-kilter.
Faith is still a struggle for me now, and God is either getting annoyed with me or wants to hold me , I am fluctuating with what I think He wants me to do, or how He wants me to act after our daughter's death.
Since I always say God must have given me a certian grade on whatever lesson He wants to teach me...I am suppposing I am either getting a C- or an F-. Probably the F-.
I would give me the latter.
I would like to leave you with another picture of Sarah and her boyfriend who came and cooked me an extravagant birthday dinner last month of steaks, shrimp, stuffed tomatoes ( she made those  & the garlic bread), and shish-ka-bob vegis. They were very proud...Sarah could not cook much at all...but she did help and she was so happy and proud that night.
I can still see her smile.


It was one of those sweltering 100 degree early evenings, but they brightened up our day. Made my birthday very special.

Enjoy everyone in your life , relish every minute of time you have with them. Every moment.

Bless you,


  1. Oh my! That touched my heart!

    My Ex and I had a great relationship. The spring after he died 3+ years ago, I got some of his favorite flowers from his house and created a "Larry garden". I think my girls really appreciate having that space even though it's not very big. And I like having that living reminder of him.

    I'm sure your Sarah garden will bring you and others much, much comfort and peace. Blessings!

  2. I think your "Sarah's garden" is such a great idea and I hope the flowers you planted in there thrive and I know will remind you of her every time you pass by. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but I will be here and reading your blog no matter what you're writing. I think it's probably good to sometimes take a cue from our dog's and just be once in awhile.
    I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Dear Gina ~ I am so glad you posted this. Tears are streaming down my face as I read it and even now as I write. I love the idea of you painting Sarah's garden on the butterfly.

    Love and hugs to you dearheart ~ FlowerLady

  4. Even though you may not be the 'dog person' your husband is, and even though you can't be Maxine, as much as you would like to be, she is there for you. The wonderful thing about dogs is they don't judge us, or criticize us, they're always there for us, watching over us. They don't care when we're off kilter, they love us all the same, and I'm sure Maxine misses Sarah too. I love the idea of Sarah's garden, and the hydrangeas and ivy I'm sure will thrive there in the shade under Maxine's watchful eye.

  5. I am crying for you sweetie. I hate that you are having to go thru this. No parent should have to bury a child. Sarah's Garden is a great idea.

  6. A special place in your garden for Sarah will be a wonderful tribute to her. I think of you often and pray that God is holding you closer than ever these days. Keep writing about your feelings...it is good to get them (good and bad) out.

  7. Gina, know that we are all here with you in thoughts and prayers. Also know that God does want to cradle you in his arms, lean on Him even though it's tough right now. It's really good to see you blogging...time my dear friend, time.

  8. I keep coming back here - checking, praying, and wishing I could absorb some of the hurt that must come in waves at times.

    I'm so glad you planted the plants from the funeral. Over time, this place will embrace you and welcome you to remember, smile and cry a tear or two....

    I can't imagine that God is getting annoyed with you! Remember, His only Son died, too. He's not a stern professor, grading you on your performance, but a sympathetic Heavenly Father who understands the deepest cries of your heart.

    Can't wait to see the butterfly when completed!

  9. I love your post and I can feel you taking deep breaths. I love your garden Dog and she sures loves you. You are the one she follows to your favorite spots:) And believe me she feels everything you feel.
    And Sarah's garden is perfect. I love the butterfly and what you are going to do to it. What a beautiful spot for you and her. And remember God will always be there for you. He helps you write, it's an outlet. Big Hug and Grin.

  10. As far as what grade God may be giving you in all of this, I am not the smartest person in the world, but I believe God knows us better than we know ourselves and His understanding goes way beyond what we deserve, so who knows, you probably have earned bonus points in many ways. I believe God always, always wants to hold us.

  11. Gina,
    I wish I could hug you, I wish you were closer because I would search you out. I would cry with you and I would share stories of faith on the edge!
    I am saying goodbye to my son Jonathan's oldest daughter, she is eleven. She was in Japan when he died and now is back in the states and I have had the joy of my life having her here with me the last four weeks. If I could have made time stand still I would have and these days would last forever. But she leaves in three days.
    Your Sarah is beautiful, God is God and no matter what people say to console you, he will be the only one that brings real hope in the end. I can relate to wishing I was a dog but more often than not I wished my life had ended too in the days and months following the accident that took my son from me. I still do not see the why for my loss and you may not see the why for your family's loss either but I do know that one day I will and some day you too will see Sarah's life as a whole life, lived by God's design and completed in His time.
    I am so glad you continue to blog [write] as I began my blog to fight the loneliness and despair that was tearing me up after the death of my son of 29 years. I wish you could know how many times you and your family cross my mind these last several days and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. My love to you and your husband and your children as you begin to put your lives back together one day at a time.
    Lovingly submitted by Meg by the Grace of God alone.

  12. My heart aches for you Gina. We don't know each other well but you're my sister in Christ. I understand grief and how overwhelming it is, things just doesn't make sense. There's no timetable with the pain. Sometimes you'll cry suddenly, be angry, confused, lonely, exhausted...The list could go on. God is not judging you in the way you're reacting. I felt incredibly angry and hurt when my first husband died, he was only 33 and we had dreams and plans together. The Lord will get you through this, hold on to Him even more even when you don't think you can bear the pain. There's another side of grief, it's a journey and you're not alone through the valleys.

    There will always be memories of her in your heart. She's like a beautiful butterfly, full of love, your daughter left a legacy and inspired us all. I know you're a woman of faith, I pray for God's strength ad comfort to carry you. You might hesitate to ask for help or talk to anyone like I was in grief but please know I'm for real. You can talk to me, send a private email, I promise to reply. You've been in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. Dearest Gina

    You've been in my thoughts and prayers all week - I've been away from the blogging scene on a short break so I'm just catching up on blog posts this evening. I'm sure Maxine misses Sarah aswell and I'm sure she knows that you are hurting too. Dogs are such special companions and I know that they can sense when something has happened in the household too.

    What a lovely tribute to Sarah - that little garden will be beautiful. What you are doing reminds me of my friend Penny in Kansas - her daughter around the same age as Sarah died in tragic circumstances aswell and the first thing she did was make her a little garden. If ever you would like to speak to her I'll can put you in touch with her. She too has been praying for you as she fully understands what its like for a Christian to go through a dreadful trial like this. Just contact me via my blog any time - the contact me bit at the top will bring you to an email addy (((hugs)))

    He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
    He sendeth more strength when the labours increase,
    To added affliction He added His mercy,
    To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

    May the Lord give you that peace beyond all understanding. love in Christ Rosie

  14. There's a rose named Sarah, though unlikely to be available in the US.

    You can also get a new variety of many plants named after someone, even if you're the only person to buy one. You can pay to get a star named after someone too!

    Putting Sarah into the RHS plant finder tells you all the plants with that word in the name:

    There are also lots of roses with generic memorial names: Rest in Peace, Remembrance, Loving Memory, etc. There might be different varieties available in the US.

    Sarah means Princess. Lots of plants with that name too.

  15. Gina, you have continued to be in my thoughts and prayers. I think God wants to hold you now and cry with you - to walk with you and comfort you. It's my prayer that your garden for Sarah will give you comfort as time passes. I'd like to refer you to a series on grief by Meghan O'Rourke. She writes about losing her mother, but what she has to say about grief is universal. There are 9 articles in this series. You'll find them at http://www.slate.com/id/2211257/entry/2211256/. Or Google "Meghan O'Rourke grief" and you'll find a link.
    So many of us would like to take some of the pain and carry it for you, but we know that's not possible. But we will pray for you - for strength, comfort, hope, and peace. We will pray that you will feel your beautiful daughter's presence each time you see a butterfly.

  16. Gina, Thank you for sharing these thoughts. My heart goes out to you, a friend and fellow parent.

  17. Maxime is such a lovely dog Gina...great pictures.....wauwwwww....what a post ....I think your "Sarah's garden" is such a great idea ........you are a strong woman.........Tears are streaming down my face .........when i read your post....and writing you back....you are still in my prayers darling....and you know God is good !! he is the only one who can really help you after this huge lost...........praying for you......love Ria........

  18. Dear, Dear Gina. I have not been reading garden blogs lately and was so shocked when I learned of the tragedy. I am so, so sorry.

    None of you will ever be the same, but in time things will be different than they are now. After a while you may wake without Sarah's name screaming in your mind. After a while you may be able to carry on a conversation about something else, but her name will invariably come up.

    How do I know? Our 37 year old son was killed by a careless driver in a pickup with bald tires who spun out of control on a wet freeway and hit the motorcycle that my son was sitting on under a bridge out of the rain.

    You have joined the Legion of we who never want new members in our group, friends who have lost children. In time, I'll give you the URL to the Monkeyman's memorial web site and my grief page. Right now you need to focus on family, the dog, yourself and your garden. - Jean


I love comments , please leave one if you like. I try to respond to comments,but if I'm running behind, please know that I read each one before they are published. Thanks much, Gina