Monday, September 27, 2010


I decided to show a few glimpses of my garden, of what I have discovered is one of the soothing areas of my life right now. Many of the old ways I have worked out stress, like my power walks ...have not been helpful. The other problem is I have been physically beset by many various ailments that are dragging me down and under. Stomach and ribs , back are my worst areas now.
Grief hurts everywhere.
So since I am unable to garden, lift anything heavy, or even cry without pain....I wander about my garden a few times a day. No coffee, no wine, no chocolate, nothing spicy, no Italian food..on and on about the no-no's with this condition. The biggest problem I am having is not the restricted diet, it is being unable to cry over my Sarah , as the pain is so unbearable when I  even think about her, and when I start to stomach is in agony.
I feel as if I am being tortured emotionally...not being able to cry, but the stomach ulcer was my own doing.
I come and sit in my chair, I bring a towel to cushion it...and I sit and stare at my garden.
My blue plumbago is overflowing on my bricks. I used to delight in it, now I just notice it. It is still nice.
 Lovely simple flowering plant.
Here is my only company, Maxine. Plus the birds, hummingbirds, butterflies, and squirrels. 
All I can handle right now.  I am unable to keep up a decent conversation with anyone at present. So the solitude of my backyard garden, the privacy...helps me.
I think.
Various family members and friends are trying to get me to  'do ' something  , get out more, they are concerned I am grieving too much. That is incomprehensible to me, as how can I grieve too much for my Sarah ? I cannot turn my grief on and off, I can very briefly..outwardly , but I know my eyes and my silence reveal it still.
 I look around, while I sit and notice the sunlight, and the insects. I try to just ' be ' , to still my mind. But since my mind is a roller-coaster of thoughts...and I don't know how to apply the brakes...I just ride through worry and stress, and anger and sadness. But my garden does help , it seems to be nurturing me just by being there.
Many of the plants are past their prime, the plumbago is still growing strong and for the life of me I can't remember what this pretty pink fuzzy plant is that is doing beautifully still. I even looked through my little plastic tags, and cannot find it. I know you gardeners know what this is ?
Color has faded off it here.
I sit in my big white chair and I look out, my world still has a haze on it , and I am noticing that this world keeps moving, keeps starting brand new days, people keep living their lives . People out and about appear happy. I feel like I am in slow motion , being left behind.
I look down at my path,and see my birch tree leaves all raked on to it...courtesy of me the other day. I had made myself a birch tree leaf path.
I like the different colors.

I tell my little boy I am doing this,and he goes, " That's not too smart. " I say ' Why not ? " he goes, " Mom, it's Fall, soon the wind will come and blow them away ! "
I look down at my leaf path, and am amazed he is probably right, I must have been thinking like the 10 year old Gina that resides in my heart still, the wishful Gina.
I like their crunchiness factor under my feet, so I leave them for now.

The leaves are everywhere. I am sure they are in your gardens too. Fall is arriving. It makes me sadder, but also grateful for the cooler days. I think also it is because Summer was Sarah and my favorite season, so it was very hard to see the glorious displays of Summer gardens and landscapes and not have her here. Not have her ever here again to enjoy our favorite season.
So I welcome Fall more than I normally have my whole life.
 While I sit back I notice that my garden needs to be watered, so I get up to start my favorite soothing activity.
 My water therapy.

While I do this a delightful hummingbird comes directly within 1 foot of my face, flies there in mid-air...I of course cannot get a shot. And he flies off, I'm not a beautiful flower for him.
I walk around barefoot, crunching my leaves under my feet and watering.
I do look up at the sky and trees, try to see the sunlight.
I water my hibiscus.
I look way back in the back of my yard. I keep watering.
I look to the far left and see the area that is cleared for my new bushes and plantings that I cannot physically do, and that discourages me. I have on and off got mad at God for not keeping me at least physically healthy, as I have always taken care of myself ( I thought ), physically..., why He doesn't just heal these ailments quickly ? If He wants me on my knees , broken...I thought I already was. Maybe He just wants me to slow down to the speed of healing or love or Him, I really don't know.
I am a terrible, irritable patient ( griever ). I am not one of those graceful Christians showing my strong faith through sweetness and soft words in my worst trail.
I'm more of the whiners and grumblers that God gets disappointed in. 
I think.
I also realize when we all get physically run-down, we are more cranky in general.
My rationalization , or defense...but I still feel God is not happy with my attitude, my words or my actions of late. I know my witness is not what it should be.
I do not have the strength to be ' fake cheerful'.
I always thought the older people I saw out on my walks at night watering their lawns, every night...I thought they must be bored.
I did not consider they might be soothing themselves somehow.
It never crossed my mind. But since I look at trees all the time and now I get soothed by watering, I am DEFINITELY officially mature..or old.
I think.
I stuck the magnetic EB ( for Edisto Beach ) magnet on Sarah's garden sign, because when we went down in June to the beach, they were sold out of these and she really wanted one for her car. I remember telling her we would buy one when we came in August, they would have more.
I pass with the hose , my little boy's fort and see he has the reading hours for his library posted clearly now. Anyone can go up in there and read during those hours. Then he wrote this on the side...

It is part of a bigger sign he has, he wrote , "   Life is Good', the funny thing is my most depressed times in life...that little popular saying has shown up somewhere out of the blue for me to see. I can recall about 4 times , now 5, that hat has happened. Did God send that message through my little boy ?
I do not see that Life is Good right now. I KNOW it is, but I do not feel it in my heart. Just head knowledge...not deeper yet.
The entire masterpiece.
Ms. Spoiled Rotten wants back in the house.

So back we go.

This was all last week, we have much needed rain today, so I was unable to go out to my garden.

I hope your day is good, I would appreciate a small prayer concerning the doctors getting the correct diagnosis and treatment for all my problems, 
thanks very much , enjoy your watering wherever you are,


  1. Gina O my dear ... so much regret to have to read so much and feel so much regret to have to grieve like you, hurts so much, I pray so much for you! ....... and hope that it is ultimately going to help, that you will feel a little better that I offer you so.....Let the grief that you have come out .....that's good.......lots of love love love from me Ria.....

  2. Dear, dear Gina ~ You are regularly in my thoughts and prayers. I was glad to see this posting of yours. ~ There is no set time limit on grief, and it's no wonder you are having health issues, with all the stress of your grief, and your ham string injury too.

    Water therapy is great, for mind, body and spirit. It is very soothing. You are giving and receiving at the same time.

    Your gardens look lovely. We have leaves too, even down here, falling from certain trees. It is still hot and humid though, making it miserable to work outside.

    Love your son's sign, especially the Life is Good. Even when it's horrible, there is good. It does seem to me a little loving msg. from God, through your son, to you, His daughter.

    Just take life, one second at a time.

    Love and hugs dear one ~ FlowerLady

  3. Gina my prayers are with you and your doctor. I know you say you don't feel like it, but you have been a powerful witness...I know.

  4. Gina, you are in my prayers every day - I will pray for physical healing as well as comfort for your loss of beautiful Sarah.
    I also find watering to be a peaceful soothing and not boring activity. It helps me to "Be Still". I guess I am officially old, too :) I love your birch tree leaf path. Gardens can be such a healing place. I think I hear God most clearly when I'm in my garden. And I imagine Him in your garden with you. I don't think He's disappointed in you.
    We had a healing service at my church recently, with the laying on of hands. The pastor placed her hands on my head and prayed for healing for me. It felt like God's hands were there. I will pray that you will feel as though God has placed his healing hands on your head.
    I think you are a brave griever - you aren't hiding from or burying your pain and feelings - you are facing them. In many ways that's a powerful witness.

  5. Gina...I, too, pray for you each morning and night, and will definitely pray for a return of good health and healing for both your body and heart. I also find that watering my plants is very's a chance to slow down, provide nourishment for my plants and talk to them as friends. I truly do hope that your grief will soon give way to the simple joys in life, but I know that grief is a necessary part of loss and one that must be endured until the job is complete. Keeping you in my prayers.

  6. Watering has always been a therapy for me as well. It is so peaceful and calming.I am glad your sweet doggie accompanies you and I hope you will again find your joy in the garden.

  7. I think your fading pink flower is Celosia...beautiful Hibiscus. Glad you received some rain....waiting on a good report from your Doctor....let us know.

  8. So good to see a post by you Gina. I'm in the middle of the old endoscopy myself I pray that all will be well. Do you know that lovely prayer of St. Julian? " all will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well." seems a funny thing to say when it's obvious that all is not well but in the dark of the night I say it to myself and think of that lovely passage in Isaiah "comfort ,comfort my people..speak comfortable words to HER..." I love it that it's in the feminine! God bless. G.

  9. Gina I am sorry you are hurting so much. You absolutely should not try to fake being cheerful; you need time to grieve, a lot of time. I am glad you are able to find some measure of solace and peace of mind in your garden.

  10. Gina, so nice to see a post from you again. I look at that beautiful smile on Sarah's face and can't help but think... Sarah would want you to dance with joy when you think of her life and her love for you. Of course, what do I know, I'm a stranger to you both. You've been living the sad part of grief... why not try, just for a day or so, to choose to dance and fill your heart with sweet joyful memories when you think of your sweet daughter? Just a little experiment... Sending you sunshine and warm thoughts!

  11. Hope today is better Gina. Probably not huh. We are here for you. Gina I do believe that God works through our children. I can think of so many times that my children were the ones God used to open my eyes and still does today even though they are grown now. God isn't dissappointed in you sweetie for whining and complaining. I don't think He's dissappointed because you are havin a difficult time either. He loves us and wants to help us get to where we need to be. Its tuff on you I know. Take the time to smell the flowers. Name a couple of things that are a blessing to you even if you don't feel it. Hold onto that blessing - it is for you. I believe He never takes away something without replacing it. Look. God bless you and keeping you in my prayers.

  12. Gina,
    I have been where you are and it HURTS! My heart is forever broken and I cry everyday and it has been a year. I went into my daughter's room today to look for something and I went from "bad to worse". I know life stinks sometimes and we all have feelings like you. I feel so lonely and incomplete without my Amber here with me. Life will never be the same.
    I hope one day it gets better for you and me. They say it takes time. I will never be the same person and will never try to be.
    I have had so many health issues of my own. I know it is lack of sleep and stress. How can we not be sad? Stay well and take care.
    Your little boy is adorable and Life is Good!
    Big Hugs,

  13. Gina, I am sorry to hear of your health issues. I am glad your garden brings you some measure of peace now. You are always in my prayers.

  14. Lifting you up in prayer--strange, but spending time in my garden watering my thirsty plants is very soothing to me. There is no easy answer for grief--when my beloved father died suddenly, it was caring for my three young children that kept me from complete despair because they still needed me. Still there were dark days.
    Grief does hurt all over--perhaps massage would help ease your physical pain--there is truth to "a healing touch". I'm saying this not to minimize your grief--but just hoping to suggest some small thing to relieve your pain a bit.

  15. Much love to you my dear Gina... I always think of you while I´m gardening...
    warms hugs,
    maria cecilia


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