How Strong is Your FAITH ?

There is a church, with a large steeple I walk past in the mornings, I see the steeple , always there not moving, every time I walk. That is a picture of it above. 

I have thought much about my relationship, my faith , lately...and my feeling of drifting from God, or Him being distant from me. I know that is normal in tragedys , to feel off-kilter in your faith. I know that for some people it is worse than for others. I also know that any relationship, with spouses, friends, children, neighbors...is strongly influenced and strengthened by communication.

If you don't talk much with your spouse  or friend, then your relationship will deteriorate.

Likewise, if you don't talk much with God, it will also deteriorate, at least from your end...He on the other hand probably ( guessing here ),feels exactly towards you as He always has.

I have been upset, dis-heartened, by my faith walk, my relationship with God after our Sarah's death. I always believed I had a strong relationship, strong faith in Him. I talked about Him with many people, in person and through this blog.

But since her death, I have closed myself off more, prayed a little less, prayed differently  with Him. It is actually still difficult to pray. I have been further discouraged from reading or hearing different ministers tell their listeners stories about how strong a faith so and so has when they go through cancer and they are dying and they thank God for the cancer, when someone lost their wife and three children in an auto accident and went to church singing and praising God the next Sunday. When someone's blog, after losing a loved one, writes and praises God , right after the death .
I have measured my faith ,or what degree I thought my faith was...against those type of stories and more.
I feel I have fallen short, very short.
I walked , and I considered, and I thought something that on first hearing makes no sense. 
This is it, sort of hard to say, but will give it a go..
I have had many personal and physical trails in my life, as we all have, some truly scary terrible things happen...as we all have probably. God has helped give me strength through all those times. It was never a quick fix, never a BANG this is God, here to help. It was more of a slow , steady strengthening of my faith...over years and years.
Like I said, I have had trails and tribulations , I have caused trails and tribulations.  But none, not one...were this bad. Not even close.

And so when I walked, and thought, and considered...I considered that even though I personally felt my faith has gotten weaker, much weaker...it may  in fact , be stronger than it was before. It doesn't feel stronger , I am having serious issues with trying to trust God , as my anger over my daughter's death is still there.  Comes and goes , fluctuating between deep sadness , anger and depression . I know that internal anger can destroy relationships , any relationship, and I also know that through my anger over this tragedy...I still love God.
Possibly, just possibly, I am thrown into the position of authentic , deep true faith. Through good times, bad times, the worst times. 
Perhaps I am growing ( not of my own choosing ) , and seeing God for who He truly is...and growing to love Him more , to truly know him more , to learn He is more than just the creator of our world , more than just all-loving , all-knowing , perfect entity .

Me and Sarah, last Thanksgiving

So maybe, my faith is stronger than I know.  The fact that He may be developing me how He can use me best after this tragedy is something I have considered, and actually am not in favor of. I know that sounds childish, but when a mother is hurting so badly inside over her daughter's death , a death that cannot possibly ever be for the greater good in this world...as it has caused my world to be much worse. I know many Christians will write me and tell me he can use this tragedy for good, as the scripture verse states, I mentally KNOW that, I have always known that....but it is not remotely comforting to me. Too much daily pain. 
Also, I know for a fact my daughter made this world a better place. Again, none of my reactions probably surprise God, he knows he has a tough case on His hands with me.
  I do ask Him to increase my faith daily.


Remember to enjoy your families over Thanksgiving , when you hug your children, your spouse, your parents...feel their warmth, watch then when they speak , listen to their laughs, enjoy the sound of their voices... affirm their hopes.
Show your love to them , so they can see it.


Be a blessing,
Gina