How Strong is Your FAITH ?

There is a church, with a large steeple I walk past in the mornings, I see the steeple , always there not moving, every time I walk. That is a picture of it above. 

I have thought much about my relationship, my faith , lately...and my feeling of drifting from God, or Him being distant from me. I know that is normal in tragedys , to feel off-kilter in your faith. I know that for some people it is worse than for others. I also know that any relationship, with spouses, friends, children, neighbors...is strongly influenced and strengthened by communication.

If you don't talk much with your spouse  or friend, then your relationship will deteriorate.

Likewise, if you don't talk much with God, it will also deteriorate, at least from your end...He on the other hand probably ( guessing here ),feels exactly towards you as He always has.

I have been upset, dis-heartened, by my faith walk, my relationship with God after our Sarah's death. I always believed I had a strong relationship, strong faith in Him. I talked about Him with many people, in person and through this blog.

But since her death, I have closed myself off more, prayed a little less, prayed differently  with Him. It is actually still difficult to pray. I have been further discouraged from reading or hearing different ministers tell their listeners stories about how strong a faith so and so has when they go through cancer and they are dying and they thank God for the cancer, when someone lost their wife and three children in an auto accident and went to church singing and praising God the next Sunday. When someone's blog, after losing a loved one, writes and praises God , right after the death .
I have measured my faith ,or what degree I thought my faith was...against those type of stories and more.
I feel I have fallen short, very short.
I walked , and I considered, and I thought something that on first hearing makes no sense. 
This is it, sort of hard to say, but will give it a go..
I have had many personal and physical trails in my life, as we all have, some truly scary terrible things happen...as we all have probably. God has helped give me strength through all those times. It was never a quick fix, never a BANG this is God, here to help. It was more of a slow , steady strengthening of my faith...over years and years.
Like I said, I have had trails and tribulations , I have caused trails and tribulations.  But none, not one...were this bad. Not even close.

And so when I walked, and thought, and considered...I considered that even though I personally felt my faith has gotten weaker, much weaker...it may  in fact , be stronger than it was before. It doesn't feel stronger , I am having serious issues with trying to trust God , as my anger over my daughter's death is still there.  Comes and goes , fluctuating between deep sadness , anger and depression . I know that internal anger can destroy relationships , any relationship, and I also know that through my anger over this tragedy...I still love God.
Possibly, just possibly, I am thrown into the position of authentic , deep true faith. Through good times, bad times, the worst times. 
Perhaps I am growing ( not of my own choosing ) , and seeing God for who He truly is...and growing to love Him more , to truly know him more , to learn He is more than just the creator of our world , more than just all-loving , all-knowing , perfect entity .

Me and Sarah, last Thanksgiving

So maybe, my faith is stronger than I know.  The fact that He may be developing me how He can use me best after this tragedy is something I have considered, and actually am not in favor of. I know that sounds childish, but when a mother is hurting so badly inside over her daughter's death , a death that cannot possibly ever be for the greater good in this world...as it has caused my world to be much worse. I know many Christians will write me and tell me he can use this tragedy for good, as the scripture verse states, I mentally KNOW that, I have always known that....but it is not remotely comforting to me. Too much daily pain. 
Also, I know for a fact my daughter made this world a better place. Again, none of my reactions probably surprise God, he knows he has a tough case on His hands with me.
  I do ask Him to increase my faith daily.


Remember to enjoy your families over Thanksgiving , when you hug your children, your spouse, your parents...feel their warmth, watch then when they speak , listen to their laughs, enjoy the sound of their voices... affirm their hopes.
Show your love to them , so they can see it.


Be a blessing,
Gina

An EXCLUSIVE Club I Was Invited Into...

The continuation of my last post, where I said on this afternoon of shooing mosquitoes left and right, my son taking pictures of what was supposed to be a weeding update..became the afternoon that I instead was invited INTO a very exclusive club, one that I have not been invited into since it had been renovated.

Here it is :

This is my professional photographer's tree fort, HIS special club that he has been redecorating for weeks now . He gets that from me, never satisfied until he ' sees ' just what he wants.

I look up at his fort, ask if I can come in and he says, very warily , but also mildly eagerly...' Yes. " But he has to go in first to allow me access, thru a barrier that is a piece of wood across the entrance that has to be moved.
Anticipation was mounting.

I felt very privileged. 

He has it all decorated with the essentials that a 9 year old may need at any moment.

As you can see, he bangs around with his hammer for quite some time to have holders for his necessities. His binoculars, his empty peanut butter jar to catch bugs in , water guns,toy trucks,  and do believe the little scavenger has one of my briefcase straps hanging from the top. I don't use my briefcase anymore anyway.

A handy-dandy paper towel holder, a few super heros , balanced with nails ( I love that ). He made all these shelves inside himself. He used old found wood from his dad's workshop and about 3000 nails.

Quick access to the other entrance/exit via a rope ladder.

Silver surfer super hero, a hammer he pilfered from the house , and a snappy bungie cord.

The serious necessities of a decorator outdoors, tape measure , mosquito spray, his container of 3000 nails, another old hammer of mine...and another super hero.

 Very important information he worked on about the most dangerous seas of all time. I am unsure if these are seas or sea creatures ? Apparently he considers this important , ready to access info, at a moment's notice in his fort.

 Every clubhouse needs a clock.

Numerous warnings about not going under this fort because the little nut hammered roofing nails all in the floor of it, so if you go underneath and stand...POW, a nail  in the head ! My husband allowed him to do this, I protested..always consider the danger of things for children...and now we have these warnings posted on all sides , written by my son, until my husband replaces his floor.

I won't even write what I am thinking, but I know that the wives out there know what I would say.

 The landlord-president of this club, sitting on MY replica Charleston small bench he got up here with his dad. Sticky fingers child , took this from it's front yard decorative spot and snuck it up here.

He also took my thermometer and nailed it to the side.

His yucky skull and cross bones flag he bought in Charleston, just to put out here. I told him it had to be placed so I could NOT see it from my kitchen window when I look at my garden. Don't like anything with skulls and crossbones .

I squeezed my way up her, and sat on his little bench. I was feeling privileged, he looked at me to see if I knew I was privileged, as only KIDS ( boys ) are allowed in here . I know he knows I have been sad , and he knows he makes me happy...so I think that is why he allowed me up here.

My little boy loves me.

Then we sat, on that little bench together, and looked around..and decided to use the self-timer and take pictures of us in his fort.

Most were flubs, but some of the flubs are cute , to me.

It was one of the few times lately I actually smiled ...you know , from the inside out , instead of just on the outside. Just for a few moments, I cannot explain how hard it is to actually smile these days. Little children are so precious .

I then squeezed my way out without being poked by his guard stick. Barely.

YUCK ! Saw this in my face on the way out. He loves anything related to pirates.

Then the club president whizzed by me to swing down from his handy exit rope.

What a cutie-patootie I have. He must have done this 15 times for me to get the right shot that HE liked.

Then he and Maxine , and I went back in to escape our resident terrorist mosquito raiders. My son made me feel special that afternoon , and being with him in his special place..decorated in his unique way , was priceless to me.

I wanted to let my readers know , today and even yesterday afternoon, I felt a little better...better about God, better about leaning into Him , not 100 %... ...but I know how desperately my soul misses Him . I love God very , very much.

I so very much appreciate all your comments and prayers and ideas you send my way. Very kind of all of you, thank you,

Gina

 " Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD. "
  Psalm 27:13-14

Holding GOD at Arm's Length

Here I am with Maxine, holding her off kissing me , even though I just sprayed myself down with mosquito spray..it deters her a bit. I decided to take my professional photographer , my resident 9 year old son, out to take some pictures of my garden and me working in it.  I like to look at other gardeners working in their gardens on their blogs too. This blog is truthfully a nice distraction from my pain , and so is my garden.

But only a quick fix. A short reprieve. 
I look at it alot. Stare at it out my window, come stand out here and just ' be ' and try to still my mind.

I put on one of my gardening pants, my 4.00 LOVE camisole shirt I bought at Target , and my attractive rubber clogs , plus long white socks of my husbands. And gobs of mosquito spray. I told my son, just start taking pictures of me working. Instead I got about 10 of me working, 5 of the sky, 55 of Maxine and his tree fort , and 7 of nothing.

So much work out here. I have no idea why my garden seems oblivious to what is missing in my life. Why it is still very pretty ? How days go on as if they are normal. How life keeps going on as if nothing happened ? My daughter meant so much, she was so valuable to this world , so important a person...how can life go on as if nothing happened ? 
I do forget that newer readers may not know my 21 year old daughter was killed  in a one-car accident a little over 6 weeks ago now. http://antique-art-garden.blogspot.com/search/label/tragedy

 My little boy asks me "Why did you buy that shirt that says LOVE ? ". I told him, it was cheap and would keep me cool in the hot weather, I am sure half the college girls and half of pre-teens may have this as it was in one of those bins in the front of Target where they put these super-cheapy deals. But, I was just going to wear it to garden , nowhere else, and I made my garden with love. So that's why I bought it.

He looks at the LOVE on my shirt, then looks up at me to see if I really mean it...then he appears satisfied I did and walks away to take more pictures.

I have been asking God lots of questions, angry questions, accusing questions, pointed questions. Repetitive questions. Did He not know how valuable, how special she was ? How much she could give to this world ?

No answers. I did get 2 insights , two I will write about in another post. But no definitive answers.

I am suffering in my relationship with Him, as I know I do not trust Him like I was learning to do. I know I am not alone in this world, losing someone dear to me , someone tragically young, someone with a heart of gold. I am just confused who He is exactly , or learning who He exactly is...and it was not my version of my God. I always believed He would protect those who love Him, guide them daily in their lives, and especially protect the ones who may not be perfect but are really trying to be a better person, a stronger Christian. Like my Sarah.
Good gracious He protected me as a nutty, impetuous, erratic driver when I was young. So why not me, why instead her ?

I have read all the ' because there is sin in this world, that is why she died.", analogies. I have read, ' the rain falls on the just and unjust' lessons. I have heard it must have been ' her time ' to go advice.

But let me try to explain, that once you see your beautiful, full of life child, laid in  a casket, never to breathe again...if you believe you will automatically be OK with the situation spiritually, that your Christian faith will sustain you, that you will completely trust God's will in this tragedy..then you will be mistaken, as the wind will be sucked out of your spiritual sails , almost daily.

My heart and soul feels as overflowing with doubt and confusion as my garden is overflowing with weeds. I talk to God, I know that I should keep drawing nearer to Him, as the Bible tells me to...but I hold Him at arm's length while I fuss. My soul is despairing over the emptiness of my life without my Sarah, and now the emptiness of my soul without my complete trust in God. About how UNFAIR this was to her. That fact really, really kills me.
Relationships, human and otherwise...will not flourish without trust. I want to trust Him, I want to say that He is good and just..always. But I cannot, and that is painful to me.
So , arm's length...not with my back to him...just not allowing Him to get close to me yet.
I do know that I love Him, He is my God , Jesus is my savior. But my spirit and soul and heart are crushed with the weight of this loss.

Deep in my garden here.

I was getting attacked my mosquitoes, left and right. Trying to swat them away , miserable to work or try to like this. Can you see all the weeds , crazy.

I am going to stop this post , and will write about an exclusive club I was invited to that same afternoon as the mosquito invasion. Look at all the weeds  mixed with my flowers. See my heart behind me ...my garden really does soothe me. I am trying to get out here more, my husband sprayed for mosquitoes yesterday and it did help. I am trying to keep up with it , I have not had it inside me to work out here.


I appreciate you followers very much...don't give up on me getting my spiritual walk back on track, I know that God will not ever give up on me. I just need to learn how to not give up on Him.


Bless you,


Gina

A Sweet GIFT from FLOWERLADY in my Mailbox

I received a very touching, handmade gift from a fellow blogger, who is too kind in general, and very kind to make this for me and send it to me after my recent heartache. This wonderful woman ,  Flowerlady from Flowerlady's Musings http://flowerladysmusings.blogspot.com/  has been checking on me often after Sarah's death, and she and and a few others in my life, help me in what I consider ' soft ways'. Everyone responds differently to grief, I am the kind that does not want to talk about it, or really want to be around anyone much in general right now. So what is best for me, is subtle, soft ..sort of quick expressions of love or caring. I cannot listen to anyone go on and on about how horrible this all is, or if it happened to them or their child they would just DIE. I have been inundated with the , " Anything I can do, please call. " Because I won't, and neither will many other people in similar instances.  Not that the people do not mean it, but being in my shoes, we are incapable of asking then or later.

Flowerlady's Musings has always been one of my very favorite blogs, when you go there, she always has soft music playing, and she tells sweet , simple stories about her and her home and her garden and her husband... DH, which I think stands for ' Dear Husband or ' Dear heart '. Plus she makes everything delicious from scratch. Breads, cakes, you name it.

She has a heart of gold...and,
she mailed a heart to me. 
Something she made with her own two hands.

She made me this lavender sachet heart keepsake tiny pillow , with little colorful flowers embroidered inside..and included many Bible verses in a separate letter.
Look at the little flowers...like a garden in my heart.

And on the outskirts of this, she wrote in thread, ' 

Love is Forever".

I opened it out of her delicate tissue wrapping , and looked  in wonder at the beauty of it. I smiled down at this little pillow in my hand, and thought, I will love Sarah forever . 

And ever.

I then flipped it over, and she embroidered this on the back..

a little , precious gift..priceless to me.

It is odd to me that only a few expressions of caring for me and my family have stood out. Stood out from many gestures. I am sure it would be different for you. This is one from her, and I will treasure it. 

I also had a yardman, not mine, as I am my own yard-lady...but a fellow parent who had a daughter in Sarah's class , he came by the first day after her death, and I heard loud noises out my window. I looked out finally, in my daze, and I saw some men blowing my yard, edging, and some other things. I was medicated most of the first week, so I remember a fog of decisions and a never-ending variety of people coming and going from my home.

He never came to the door, but showed his care in a practical way.

The other person I remember is a old eBay customer of mine, he must have bought about 100 plus paintings from me in the past. We had become friends, his name is Eric. Since he has found out, he writes me almost everyday. I do not respond usually, a few times, but he keeps writing...asking how I am, telling me he is praying for me, and then tells me about what is going on in his life. 

Then another person who stands out, and we have really had so many large gifts of food , cards, plants , etc., that I do not want to sound ungrateful...but for some reason..the ones I am mentioning were the ones that touched something inside me , in a special way.

The last one that comes to mind of these is my fun mailman, he always calls me ' Darlin' , when I am out working outside, or chasing Maxine away from him...well about a week ago, I went on my porch to get Maxine the killer guard dog away from him , as my little boy had left the gate open. I get her in, he waves to me as he walks off down my front walk...he had been delivering 20-40 cards a day for weeks to us, condolence cards cramming my mailbox. 

Anyway, he walks off, I glance up at him, not my chatty self...he stops, looks at me , smiles very gently. I make myself smile a little back...and then he goes, " I'm sorry, you know we love you, " and then he takes his hand and makes a fist, puts it across his heart...and pounds it there.

I smiled from inside out of myself, nodded at him , and walked inside.

That, is the type of outpouring , the type of gestures that mean something to me.

PLUS, I really do appreciate all of you bloggers leaving me such helpful and considerate comments and encouragement.

The outpouring from all of you is really remarkable. 

All of us, can be a blessing to someone , in whatever way you show caring best,
thanks to all of you,
Gina

College World Series CHAMPIONS to God--How to UNDERSTAND ?

Well, mass excitement and hysteria in my city late last night into today. The Gamecocks, the University of South Carolina's baseball team...won the college World series Championship last night in 11 innings, final score 2 to 1.

First time EVER.

Big hooray going on around here in the capital city, the University is about 3 miles from our house..and Ray Tanner, the  head coach of the team, lives a block and a half around the corner from us. I see him often on my walks, and his young son , who shares my son's name, and his two little girls adore Maxine.

He is very nice and his wife is as well.

So very big ta-do's around the proud as a peacock Capital city in South Carolina. I only stayed up until about 10:30 last night, so tired as I get up very early every day...but my husband , the rabid baseball fan-lover-expert...watched it until midnight. Our son was put to bed at 10:00 PM exhausted too.

We get up this morning to see they won ! I was so happy, my son loves the Gamecocks ( and the Braves ), my husband is the Clemson graduate ( and a die-hard Yankees fan ), and Clemson got eliminated earlier in the series ( which by the way, he was such a GROUCH during that last game I told him I wouldn't watch it anymore with him and got up and left ).

There should be a rule that there is NO GROUCHINESS allowed during baseball games , anywhere.

Anyway, we are all very happy they won...and this morning when I got back from my early walk..I look at my husband ,  as I am drinking a glass of water and say , " So what happened after I went to bed last night ?" referring to the game.

What a DUMB question, as I always know how he will respond.

This is what I hear...this is not what he actually says...this is only what I barely make out with my limited knowledge of baseball.

Pay attention:

He goes, " Well, somebody hit a grounder which bounced or whatever into left field, which caused ( someone else's name, a player ), to make it to third, which in turn...blah-blah , blah-blah, blah-blah, someone got an outside low pitch, that someone else hit. Blah-blah, and then the runner scored something on  a base hit...blah-blah-blah. , they won because the relief pitcher made a good pitch etc.-etc.-etc.....but some other player's name ( he knows everyone's name, which men always call each other by their last name in sports ), and further blah-blah-blah " was coming out of his mouth that I was truthfully lost from the first sentence he said.
I think my eyes even started glazing over.

As usual.
I told  him to stop, that he lost me.
He just smiles and walks away. He is used to me not following these long baseball play by plays.

I will explain that I love to watch baseball, but I am so far from an expert at knowing what every play is , and the history, and the stats...that I can get lost very easily when I hear my husband start rambling even about a game that happened 25 years ago and he recalls everything.

He can't recall what I think is romantic, but he can remember old baseball stats...but that is another topic.
I simply enjoy watching the games, and learning slowly about the sport.
I only watch baseball, I am not into any other sports.

The point or interesting parallel I made after our conversation was, how seasoned Christians can overwhelm, intimidate, and blow away younger ( not in age, in knowledge ), new believers about Christianity and God and the Bible.

Like me trying very hard to understand my husband, I was very interested in what he had to say...but became lost and overwhelmed with the minutia that he related to me. I thought of trying to explain the complexities of Christianity to an unbeliever, or a new believer...and how there is no way for them to grasp everything quickly or easily. And how easy it is to ' blow them off ' with doctrine , my more advanced knowledge ( which is not much at all...just an example ),  prayers ( so many older Christians scare young ones with long , laborious prayers ), protocol in church , moral scripture quotes, conversations that are very  full of scripture , language in general conversations that includes lots of hallelujahs , Praise God  salutations, and Be washed in the blood quotes... etc. 

It can leave newer believers, and even ones not as advanced in their knowledge , feeling inadequate and lost and out of place.

It made me realize even more to be very gentle and less judgmental with their ( new believers ) or struggling Christians  efforts towards the goal of knowing God better, and having Him be in their lives.
I am not saying that believers do not need to know scripture , or the Bible better, or follow guidelines and commandments from God.
Just that we need to take it slow and easy with others , never be a wall they run into that hinders their understanding.

Jesus loved to preach simply, very direct, and he often sprinkled his lessons with parables. He did quote scripture often...and he was over-flowing with kindness and compassion.

If He needed to be confrontational, He was. When He spoke to a non-believer, he spoke simply about their problem and a solution. He knows we are all really ' babes ' in this world.

I love how God reminds me to remember that He considers us His children.

Hope your day is really good, hope we are all more gentle with each other, demonstrating love,
Gina

 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  Matthew 19:14