Wanting GOD to Provide ANSWERS~

I think we all have times in our lives, the older we get, the more times we have...of wanting answers/explanations from God for events , tragedies, health problems, financial problems or simple unfulfilled hopes and dreams that we desire. I have had people tell me, that my faith is strong, evidently ( I am guessing since they seem to see it), strong.

I know that it is not.

 Between deaths in my immediate family, and some other circumstances and relationship difficulties, and then observing other people's tragedies and misfortunes...I am having some down days as a fan/witness of God Almighty.

I have come up with an analogy to try to explain my faith right now, and it is sort of like this.

I am a fan of a team( believer in God), and I live my life, and at certain times....I sit back on some bleachers and watch other's lives, and even my own from a slight distance.

When a good play( event in life), occurs....then I cheer, clap and move closer to the field.

Life is good.

When a bad play occurs, I move up the bleachers, further from my team, the coach, and grumble. And by the way, I mean it has to be a VERY bad play , such as a death, calamity or serious health issue of someone.

I understand about job losses, break-ups, car problems, minor health issues, etc. I understand that life is not fair, and that we all have burdens.

( disclaimer-I do not move away from my son's team when they are losing).

Example: I had a very nice friend, a fellow baseball mom, a special mom of one of my son's friends, die of breast cancer, only 41 years old, fought it for years bravely...and God allowed her death. He did not cause it, but allowed it to happen, and leave a young 11 year old boy and his father without a mother in their home.

That made me move back a bit in the bleachers.

And by the way, I am already half-way back anyway, since my youngest daughter's death.

Then yesterday I found out a young , handsome 24 year old umpire at our baseball complex my son plays at, was killed by a drunk driver .

I remember him just 5 nights ago, young and healthy and nice to the children, umpiring our last game.

I subsequently shift back about two rows, further from my team( my God, my Christianity, my faith).

Frowning now.

I am not on the top of the back bleachers yet, but if tragedy after tragedy, occurs unrelentlessly...as it happens in life...

then I would REALLY like God to EXPLAIN why in the heck He allows so much sorrow and pain in our lives!!???

I know we learn from pain, I know many people unwittingly cause their own deaths through carelessness/bad habits/forming bad relationships/very bad decisions, etc.

BUT, many do not. Many people are caught up in a illness, accident,murder, abuse that they have NO part in.

So I sit back and want ( or have really) screamed at God, "What are you doing, can you see the pain here?!!!"

If some of my followers write and tell me we are supposed to go through trials and tribulations, that Jesus has overcome the world, that He was a man of sorrows, that we must suffer to learn, that we are not to grieve like ones who do not have hope...I KNOW all that.

I also know that God knows I am one very hard-headed woman who is passionate about causes and my family. That 'fighter' in me, is what makes me so difficult to calm, at least spiritually.

I can just imagine my head coach( God), on the field ( life), during a terrible, stupid play...and I am up near the top of the bleachers yelling at HIM to " STOP this, DO something ! Can't You see out there!", pointing at this or that.
And then I imagine Him turning to look at me, His assistant coaches( some Saints, Moses, Elijah ), telling Him to shut me up or throw me out of the ballpark. He instead just mildly smiles, shakes His head , and says leave her.
And I think...
If He keeps leaving me up here at the back of the bleachers I am going to fall off !  

Be careful , love your family, be kind to someone you don't feel like being kind to today,
        Gina           

How Strong is Your FAITH ?

There is a church, with a large steeple I walk past in the mornings, I see the steeple , always there not moving, every time I walk. That is a picture of it above. 

I have thought much about my relationship, my faith , lately...and my feeling of drifting from God, or Him being distant from me. I know that is normal in tragedys , to feel off-kilter in your faith. I know that for some people it is worse than for others. I also know that any relationship, with spouses, friends, children, neighbors...is strongly influenced and strengthened by communication.

If you don't talk much with your spouse  or friend, then your relationship will deteriorate.

Likewise, if you don't talk much with God, it will also deteriorate, at least from your end...He on the other hand probably ( guessing here ),feels exactly towards you as He always has.

I have been upset, dis-heartened, by my faith walk, my relationship with God after our Sarah's death. I always believed I had a strong relationship, strong faith in Him. I talked about Him with many people, in person and through this blog.

But since her death, I have closed myself off more, prayed a little less, prayed differently  with Him. It is actually still difficult to pray. I have been further discouraged from reading or hearing different ministers tell their listeners stories about how strong a faith so and so has when they go through cancer and they are dying and they thank God for the cancer, when someone lost their wife and three children in an auto accident and went to church singing and praising God the next Sunday. When someone's blog, after losing a loved one, writes and praises God , right after the death .
I have measured my faith ,or what degree I thought my faith was...against those type of stories and more.
I feel I have fallen short, very short.
I walked , and I considered, and I thought something that on first hearing makes no sense. 
This is it, sort of hard to say, but will give it a go..
I have had many personal and physical trails in my life, as we all have, some truly scary terrible things happen...as we all have probably. God has helped give me strength through all those times. It was never a quick fix, never a BANG this is God, here to help. It was more of a slow , steady strengthening of my faith...over years and years.
Like I said, I have had trails and tribulations , I have caused trails and tribulations.  But none, not one...were this bad. Not even close.

And so when I walked, and thought, and considered...I considered that even though I personally felt my faith has gotten weaker, much weaker...it may  in fact , be stronger than it was before. It doesn't feel stronger , I am having serious issues with trying to trust God , as my anger over my daughter's death is still there.  Comes and goes , fluctuating between deep sadness , anger and depression . I know that internal anger can destroy relationships , any relationship, and I also know that through my anger over this tragedy...I still love God.
Possibly, just possibly, I am thrown into the position of authentic , deep true faith. Through good times, bad times, the worst times. 
Perhaps I am growing ( not of my own choosing ) , and seeing God for who He truly is...and growing to love Him more , to truly know him more , to learn He is more than just the creator of our world , more than just all-loving , all-knowing , perfect entity .

Me and Sarah, last Thanksgiving

So maybe, my faith is stronger than I know.  The fact that He may be developing me how He can use me best after this tragedy is something I have considered, and actually am not in favor of. I know that sounds childish, but when a mother is hurting so badly inside over her daughter's death , a death that cannot possibly ever be for the greater good in this world...as it has caused my world to be much worse. I know many Christians will write me and tell me he can use this tragedy for good, as the scripture verse states, I mentally KNOW that, I have always known that....but it is not remotely comforting to me. Too much daily pain. 
Also, I know for a fact my daughter made this world a better place. Again, none of my reactions probably surprise God, he knows he has a tough case on His hands with me.
  I do ask Him to increase my faith daily.


Remember to enjoy your families over Thanksgiving , when you hug your children, your spouse, your parents...feel their warmth, watch then when they speak , listen to their laughs, enjoy the sound of their voices... affirm their hopes.
Show your love to them , so they can see it.


Be a blessing,
Gina