Very SIMPLE Daily Ways to Help with Intense Grief

Edisto Beach, SC 2012

I have considered writing this for many months( about 9 months) now, but have felt very unqualified to do so. Unqualified as I feel I did not ' get through' grief very well. But , I thought that this could possibly help someone who has experienced a tragedy , a death of a loved one. This is a small guide, suggestion list, of what may help you or a friend who is struggling with deep, intense grief. I am not talking about losing a job, marriage, pet or friendship kind of grief. I am going to be talking about the most painful grief I have personally experienced, the loss of a child. I had lost my grandparents, who I adored, my mother at 65 suddenly and also tragically, many pets that I also loved dearly...but nothing, absolutely nothing came close to the pain of losing my youngest daughter, Sarah, at age 21 in July of 2010.

Sarah to the right here.

We found out our daughter had been killed in a car accident, one early evening in July 2010. We were out of town , at Edisto beach( the picture above top is me there), our favorite family vacation spot. I will not go in to the specifics of the phone call, the drive home or the ensuing funeral home visits and cemetery appointments. All of this ' business of death', between calls and visits from the coroner, the funeral home, and the cemetery, well-wishing friends, completely drained what bit of sanity and physical and mental energy I had. I did write some blog entries after the first week, I think it helped some.

But with a sudden death, or even a imminent death from an illness, our bodies go in to grief-mode, and do not function very well. I could not talk, think, read, or communicate very well for the first 6 months or so. I fell physically apart, from head to toe, lots of expensive medical tests, stressful appointments, and not much sympathy from many in my family for the first year especially. Because everyone reacts to grief differently. I fell apart physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My husband handled everything much better, and within a few months he was handling his life pretty well, grieving inside still, but not in as bad a shape physically and emotionally as I was.

I think partially it was how close I was with Sarah, I had daily contact with her...my husband did not. So I believe that whoever is closest to the person who died( closest in daily or weekly contact), that person will suffer outwardly through physical ailments, depression, etc. more than others.  Also if you are simultaneously going through atdifficult time, depression, divorce, menopause, cancer,illness, job worries, etc. then your time will be doubly hard. I did not garner lots of sympathy from my family( though my sister and my dad were both concerned about my well-being), I do believe I was annoying and aggravating to many. I had to learn how to make it through a day with my broken heart and physical symptoms of grief I was experiencing, MYSELF. I felt God was not there, common even with religious followers, but I also knew He was, so a sort of conflicted religious state.

Regardless, I felt alone with the horrible pain and confusion, and I had to learn to treat myself gently, and take baby steps to be able to function in my family and in the world. You also need to be very , very gentle with yourself if you are going through a similar situation, male or female, tough or not, BE GENTLE and KIND with yourself. Do not attempt to jump back into your old life  as soon as you can.

Your old life is now gone, and you are left with stepping into a new one, without your loved one.

At the bottom of this list, I will tell you why you have to do this, why you need to do this. But first some advice, as I have walked in your shoes, and I do know your pain.

And hopefully, some of these basic , easy tips can help you too.

Basic Tips to Help w/ Grief

1. Make a list, every morning or evening, with only 3-5 ' things to do' to get you focused . To keep you living. No more than 3-5 items, like Make coffee, do 2 loads of laundry, go to post office, make bed, rake leaves, water flowers, vacuum house, etc. Cross off each item once you accomplish it. I did this for months, and it helped me very much. Remember only SIMPLE tasks for the first few( 3-4) months.

2. Drink lots of extra water, 6-8 glasses a day, a banana or apple every day, and make sure you eat even a small meal with more vegetables and fruits than you normally eat. Going through grief depletes our physical bodies terribly. Cut way back on excess sugar, caffeine, alcohol as they drain vitamins and nutrients from your body, and the stress is already depleting your physical reserves.

3. Go buy a good multi-vitamin, put it in your kitchen so you can see it everyday, and take it. I also bought some adrenal support  and stress support capsules from my local health food store.

4. Walk daily, even if it is for 2 blocks, better is 30 mins., to help your body and mind relieve the pent-up stress inside. Get outside, in the sun, in your yard or a quiet park. Diffused sunshine made me physically feel better . 20 mins. or more a day. Do not sit inside all day and not go outdoors, your body needs fresh air and sunshine. Make yourself go sit on your back porch steps or chairs and look at your trees, feel the warmth of the sun, feel the breeze, listen to the birds.

Breathe fresh air.

5. Tend your garden or yard, simple tasks though, not complicated gardening right now. Just go out and water, watering helped me relax. Raking, or pulling a few weeds is also good. Don't work like a fiend for 3-4 hours in your yard though, just 30 mins. to an hour  for awhile. Plant a small garden or flower pot in memory of your loved one. I have a small garden I named Sarah's garden in front of my larger one.

Above is part of Sarah's garden. I put in things she would have liked.

6. There is much in grief books about going out to social events still, malls, parties, celebrations, etc. I think the best idea is go only if you want to. You can go for 30 mins. or an hour, and then excuse yourself and get back home or somewhere else. It is too exhausting to go to a wedding or birthday where people are happy and festive for 3-4 hours and your heart is crushed inside. Do not go because you think you HAVE to go. People will forgive and understand if you decline invitations. Then possibly in 4-6 months, go to a few celebrations. I went to only a few events for the first year. I could not go to a funeral for almost 2 years, so do not feel bad if you are unable to go to important events.

Go when you are calmer inside, and the pain is not so intense.

7. Be very careful with what you watch on Television or at the the movies for awhile ( for me forever). Many shows have accidents, heart attacks, murders, ghosts and more mayhem that hits too close to home if you have experienced a recent death in your life . Even many commercials have disturbing content for someone who is grieving. Monitor what goes in your eyes , stick with light comedies, or home improvement shows, or any shows that do not deal with death, such as Law & Order, Forensic Files, and similar shows. Guard your eyes.

Antique hunting in a local antique mall

8. Recall and find that ' thing-passion-hobby' in life that helps and distracts you and takes your mind off your pain. With some people that may be reading, drawing, gardening, sewing, woodworking, etc. Mine is antique hunting for my site that I sell on. It was(is) an escape and keeps my mind occupied for short periods of time off my pain. Gardening is another, but in the Deep South of the United States, it is brutal sub-tropical gardening , with high humidity and heat. And I was having many physical ailments cropping up, so I was not able to garden as much as I had. I have heard many experts tell someone who is grieving to go  volunteer somewhere, to help someone else. I only did a few volunteer activities, I really was not up to being out in groups for quite some time. I think if you want to volunteer, then do something for only a few hours at the most, and then work up to longer times when you feel able. If you do not want to volunteer, then look around and help someone you run across or live with in small or big ways.

Son at Edisto beach, SC

9. If you do not have a pet , I would suggest getting one as they really do help keep you company, love you, are affectionate and are there for you when you come home. Yes they are work, and are expensive, but they truly help with your pain.

Miss Maxine

10. To help with your faith issues, one simple thing I did, and have continued doing, is finding one -just 1- Scripture/Bible verse and writing it  down, saying it to myself daily. Mostly on my morning walks. I say this if I feel it or don't feel it, if I believe it or don't for that day.
"This is the day the Lord has made, I will be glad and rejoice in it."Psalm 118:24
Recall a favorite Bible verse, look up ones on faith, hope, death and then write it on a piece of paper and memorize it. Put it on your fridge, in your car, by your computer.

 That leads me to the why you need to do these or other actions , and there are three important reasons. One is your family and friends still need you. Your attitude, your happiness AFFECTS their lives. My extreme unhappiness and grief was not helpful to anyone in my family for long periods of time. My grief was changing their lives, for the worse. My remaining children still needed a mother to celebrate life with. I know that my daughter's death, should not make my other children's lives not all that they should be. I had to learn to smile again, even laughing hurt my face as it had been many months that I had not truly laughed or smiled.

 No. two is YOU. You and I are important in this world, if you do not have children or a family, you still have people you encounter everyday, and your attitude, demeanor, your words AFFECT their lives. You can make someone have a better day or a worse day. I have done both, and am working at trying to make someone have a better day.

Just a smile, just a hi how are you, just a wave... but doing these are hard to do  when you are grieving( they were for me), but ever so slowly make yourself enter back into the world.

And number three,God still needs you.

 I do not know how or why, but He has important tasks He still needs only you to do.

Your loved one who is now gone was a very important person to God, and so are you...please do not forget that fact.

Oh, and one last thing, make plans, make  a day trip to a nearby town, a overnight stay, a mini-vacation plan or plans. You have to have something to look forward to, it can help with your pain and distract you back into living again. 

I hope this helps someone, I wish I could hug you , I do care about your pain.

Bless you,

Gina



Wanting GOD to Provide ANSWERS~

I think we all have times in our lives, the older we get, the more times we have...of wanting answers/explanations from God for events , tragedies, health problems, financial problems or simple unfulfilled hopes and dreams that we desire. I have had people tell me, that my faith is strong, evidently ( I am guessing since they seem to see it), strong.

I know that it is not.

 Between deaths in my immediate family, and some other circumstances and relationship difficulties, and then observing other people's tragedies and misfortunes...I am having some down days as a fan/witness of God Almighty.

I have come up with an analogy to try to explain my faith right now, and it is sort of like this.

I am a fan of a team( believer in God), and I live my life, and at certain times....I sit back on some bleachers and watch other's lives, and even my own from a slight distance.

When a good play( event in life), occurs....then I cheer, clap and move closer to the field.

Life is good.

When a bad play occurs, I move up the bleachers, further from my team, the coach, and grumble. And by the way, I mean it has to be a VERY bad play , such as a death, calamity or serious health issue of someone.

I understand about job losses, break-ups, car problems, minor health issues, etc. I understand that life is not fair, and that we all have burdens.

( disclaimer-I do not move away from my son's team when they are losing).

Example: I had a very nice friend, a fellow baseball mom, a special mom of one of my son's friends, die of breast cancer, only 41 years old, fought it for years bravely...and God allowed her death. He did not cause it, but allowed it to happen, and leave a young 11 year old boy and his father without a mother in their home.

That made me move back a bit in the bleachers.

And by the way, I am already half-way back anyway, since my youngest daughter's death.

Then yesterday I found out a young , handsome 24 year old umpire at our baseball complex my son plays at, was killed by a drunk driver .

I remember him just 5 nights ago, young and healthy and nice to the children, umpiring our last game.

I subsequently shift back about two rows, further from my team( my God, my Christianity, my faith).

Frowning now.

I am not on the top of the back bleachers yet, but if tragedy after tragedy, occurs unrelentlessly...as it happens in life...

then I would REALLY like God to EXPLAIN why in the heck He allows so much sorrow and pain in our lives!!???

I know we learn from pain, I know many people unwittingly cause their own deaths through carelessness/bad habits/forming bad relationships/very bad decisions, etc.

BUT, many do not. Many people are caught up in a illness, accident,murder, abuse that they have NO part in.

So I sit back and want ( or have really) screamed at God, "What are you doing, can you see the pain here?!!!"

If some of my followers write and tell me we are supposed to go through trials and tribulations, that Jesus has overcome the world, that He was a man of sorrows, that we must suffer to learn, that we are not to grieve like ones who do not have hope...I KNOW all that.

I also know that God knows I am one very hard-headed woman who is passionate about causes and my family. That 'fighter' in me, is what makes me so difficult to calm, at least spiritually.

I can just imagine my head coach( God), on the field ( life), during a terrible, stupid play...and I am up near the top of the bleachers yelling at HIM to " STOP this, DO something ! Can't You see out there!", pointing at this or that.
And then I imagine Him turning to look at me, His assistant coaches( some Saints, Moses, Elijah ), telling Him to shut me up or throw me out of the ballpark. He instead just mildly smiles, shakes His head , and says leave her.
And I think...
If He keeps leaving me up here at the back of the bleachers I am going to fall off !  

Be careful , love your family, be kind to someone you don't feel like being kind to today,
        Gina           

A PINK Christmas Tree For SARAH~

I have been considering, since last Christmas, to have a special Christmas tree to honor my precious Sarah at the holiday time. Sarah liked the color pink, just as her big sister does, and so we went for a pink Christmas trees search today. We found this one at Walmart, a complete, artifical pre-lit tree,  all PINK. I had a hard time finding pink, a few other stores did not have that color. I had to have pink.

The ornament in the front, was made in 1994, my mother had that made for our tree. The one behind it, I found on eBay. I keep trying to find more Sarah ornaments, sometimes when you want something very badly, it is harder to get. Just out of reach.

This one is my favorite, she loved that her name meant Princess in Hebrew.

A glittery-silver dance shoe. She loved to dance, and boy she was a awesome dancer.

I am going to add to this tree every year, I am going to try to find a Britney Spears ornament, as when she was a teenager she idolized( to my chagrin), Britney. I am also going to put some pictures of her on some homemade ornaments . Looking at pictures of her, is very hard for me lately. It is almost as if I am stabbed in the heart when  I see her image.

I have also been rounding up some vintage Chalkware and plastic angels to place under the tree.

Plus disco-ball ornaments. Trying to add all the elements that make up my daughter, and cover a small pink tree...is difficult, yet comforting.

The S from her door as a child, that my young son found.

A snow baby.

A blue butterfly like I saw in Edisto Beach , the morning of July 12th, 2010, on my walk that Sarah and I always took.

A bracelet with her name, one of the items I search for often.

Here is a picture under the tree, of Sarah to the far left, my mother Sarah, me, and my oldest daughter in 2007 ( or 2006, can't remember exactly), at a birthday celebration for me. My mother died the following April 2008. Our Sarah in July 2010. She and Sarah are buried next to each other.

Here is one of my very favorite pictures of my children, minus our youngest son born 12 years later, on our old front porch steps. Sarah is in the middle, she was the baby of the family. They all are so precious.

Sparkily pink star.

More pictures beneath the tree. Sarah to the far left bottom picture. This picture was taken two weeks after my mother's unexpected death. A few days before my oldest's daughter's wedding. Life can knock us around  can't it ? The good with the bad, we have to take it as it comes. How God tries a human soul.

More vintage angels among the memories.

I added this post, to possibly help someone else who is grieving during the holiday time, to make themselves a tree, to remember and include their lost loved one in their holiday still. Whatever color tree...they make them in all colors, whatever style you choose, that represents their spirit. Include their name and hobbies, and likes. I plan to add to this every year. Being without my beautiful daughter in my life, it will be a year and a half since her death next month, is still a daily struggle. There is not incapacitating grief, it has changed to a deep, painful hurt, that is part of my soul. I know it is seen in my eyes, as I have had people tell me so. I also know, I have to find and show joy, to help my other family members still enjoy their lives.

Maybe you want to remember someone special, irreplaceable to you ,over the holidays. You can go buy yourself a little tree and decorate it with things they loved during their lifetime. This small action has helped me a little. I  walk pass this little pink tree in my home, and I smile thinking Sarah would have loved it.

Many blessings to you all, hug your loved ones, be thrilled and grateful to be able to gaze upon them, tell them you love them...every chance you get,

Gina

Sarah's Dream

I am a big dreamer, I dream all the time. Quite disconcerting and disruptive for quality of sleep time I can tell you.

But this post is about a dream that Sarah told me she had, about a month after her grandmother, my mother...whom Sarah was named after, died.  The two Sarahs in our family. It was another tragic part of our lives, my Mother had just turned 65, was planning on a big to-do Bridal shower for my oldest daughter, worked too hard in her garden areas...and died of a heart attack on a Saturday afternoon. 3 weeks before my oldest daughter's wedding, and right after her 49th wedding anniversary, she had just retired to spend more time with my Dad. She missed many big events of her life. We were all in shock, and Sarah was as devastated as us all, if not more.

The picture above is my two beautiful daughters at a Mother's day lunch for me a few months before her car crash. Bliss for me, I love to just look at my children, and enjoy their presence. Sarah is to the right.

Let me tell you the dream she had. She called me about a month after my Mother's death, and said she had a dream last night about Sazie. The grandkids all called her Sazie, a nickname her grandfather gave her as a child. Again, my mother's name was Sarah too.

I eagerly, yet also nervously , asked Sarah, what was her dream about ? I was feeling both emotions, as I was pretty tender inside over my mother's death, and did not want some weird/freaky dream about her to be related to me by my daughter.

Instead...this is what she told me..

She said that she was walking near a very large gate, with a large garden on the other side. She looked through the gate, or the gate door was open, I can't recall exactly...and she saw my mother , kneeling and tending a garden there. Sarah then said, Sazie jumped up, put her hands on her hips ( a family trait we share ), and said to Sarah , " Now what are you doing here ?" 

I then interrupted Sarah and asked, " What did she look like ?"

Sarah told me she looked younger, she had her hair up, my mother did not wear her hair up hardly ever ( except working outside in the Summer ), that she did not have her glasses on, and that she had a flowered shirt on and shorts. My mother never, ever wore shorts.

Sarah then said, " Oh,  and she looked really happy."

I remember crying hearing this, and then I asked Sarah, " Anything else ?" 

And Sarah told me she walked into the garden, through the gate, towards her grandmother.

And that was it.

After Sarah died last July, and after a few months of my mind in complete numbness...I recalled that conversation. I now view it as prophetic , and I believe where Sarah entered through the large gate, was Heaven. I dream and envision my Sarah running, like the wind up there. No sore feet from working long shifts as a waitress and running here on Earth with her friends for miles.

Running barefoot , running for miles, very happy on soft dirt roads.

I see her in my mind, running..and also holding babies and laughing and smiling at them. Those are the two activities I see her doing the most, in Heaven.

She was a bright, bright light in my life, and I miss her always, and continually.

Here is a song I heard in church today, one of my favorites.

Enjoy, and dream...

Gina

WASTING Your Days

Photo of Sarah taken by Ash Little Photography 2009

 

 

 

My days are going by slowly and quickly,all at once. Before I know it. I have had many things happen, most of what I won't go into. I would say this process of a mother's grief is unrelenting, not abating much, and draining. I see many young women, my Sarah's age, since I live in a University town,everywhere. All alive, all running about, all oblivious of the fragile nature of their lives.

I see Spring starting to arrive, lots of birds everywhere, all over the ground, all in the trees. Chirping, flying about. My brain still cannot comprehend how beautiful Spring is allowed to arrive.

How God keeps everything moving, growing...when some people's hearts are still hibernating. In self-protected mode. I am not the only grieving parent in this world, everyday you can read about children, young and older children...dying. When I read an obituary of a young person, my heart and soul know exactly what that parent is feeling. The shock, the pain, the mind-numbing , the anger, the confusion. The weight of heavy grief.

Another photo of Sarah by Ash Little Photography

The photos I show of Sarah above, are some that she had taken while she was posing for some sunglasses ad locally. A moment of my beautiful daughter's life, a few seconds, caught on film. The concept of time , and how it is our most precious commodity for productivity in life...ALL of our most precious resource, and most of us waste it , is again a topic I want to write about.  Wasting time.

I know I have, I know I do.

I can waste it online, I can waste time when I am talking to someone I love and care about by rushing them through a story or conversation. I can waste it on reminiscing on past regrets , past mistakes, lost opportunities to show love.

That last one really gets to me.

I have been working again( and not 100 % yet ) on making a daily list, setting some goals, not allowing my hours to disappear as in thin air.

Time is one thing , that you can never , EVER ,get back. Once it is used, for productive pursuits, or mind-numbing, simply trite , superficial or crass pursuits---either way,  it is gone forever.

Sarah again, by Ash Little Photography

How do you waste time ?

Internet overuse

TV Addiction

Facebook, Twitter, My Space

Blogs

Sleeping too much

Rushing from place to place

Being irritable

eBay surfing

Excessive shopping

Excessive alcohol usuage

Excessive eating

Smoking

Working too much

I could keep naming activities and pastimes that devour our time. After our tragedy with Sarah , time...and how I use it, and mis-used it, and still misuse it , haunts my mind. Makes me pause and consider more , 

every hour of my day.

I know that I need to use it to show love, in more unselfish , non-rushing ways. To give my full attention, not half of it, to those that I care about.

To have more patience with everyone , especially if they really bug me.

Many times, we only get one chance---in time---to demonstrate kindness , caring and love.

If anyone out there has the opportunity to get more than one chance, take it.

Make sure the person that you care about knows how much you care. How valuable they are to you.

Step away from what you waste  time and energy on, and we all know what those are for each of us,

and spend it on something, somebody that you truly care about.

Consider  the hours of your days and nights.

be a blessing,

Gina

 

SNOW Hats in my GARDEN in South Carolina

We have had the absolute oddest weather in South Carolina this winter. This is our second snow fall in 3 weeks. You have to understand that most of South Carolina doesn't get snow for 10 years or more. I am not a big snow fan , but my little boy goes crazy with happiness and tried to get outside at 8 AM this morning. I held him off a short bit, but later we dressed and went outside to get some pictures. 

 It is sort of cloudy, and the only light is reflected off the snow. I looked around my garden, and noticed all the ' hats ' my statues had put on. Let me show you...

Here is my lady face on my tree, with her fluffy frou-frou hat on...

She looks very Celtic Northern to me here.

 

My little reading angel has a snow shawl on with her hat.

 

 My two cherubs, my favorite statue , has the cutest hats on.

 

 My chairs covered with snow upholstery.

I do not own snow boots, only rain boots, and my feet are already getting too cold after about 5 mins. out here. I have my husband's gigantic coat on that the hood keeps falling over my face and covering my eyes. Hard to take pictures , but I prevailed with a few.

 That black large spot in the snow is Maxine ready for a walk.

 My car with a new snow car cover.

 Our sweet spaz Maxine has developed a torn ACL. Cost to fix, over 3000.00. The vet thinks she developed it from either her intense baseball antics ( she likes to play short-stop ), or spinning. We found out it is very prevalent with labs. My main goal with her right now is to not let her spin, very short walks, and no jumping in the truck .

She is my biggest baby.

 There she goes. I keep telling her to stop, somebody get the leash form this cowgirl dog.

She's too happy most times. 

 My little boy and me . I can tell you that it is still difficult to smile for me. It will be 6 months since my daughter's death in a few days. I still expect to hear my phone buzz with a text from her, I still look for her in a car that looks like hers, I still look outside, hoping she will drive up. I still hope she will come to my front door. I do not feel that 6 months has passed, it feels like only a month has passed since the accident. I know that grief can be like this.

I ache to see her and hold her.

 Little snow hat on my garden of good and evil girl statue.

 My snow globe has a nice hat.

 My two twin pups out front have snow hats, and are carrying snow in their baskets.

 All those footprints are from our little boy going back and forth across the street to play and have snowball fights with his friend .

 Mis-behaving and rowdy above.

Let me show you my beautiful oldest daughter and her husband who came by to see us. They moved about a block and a half from us , and we love to see them, though they are a busy young couple.

Look how happy they are, eyes shining.

Full of young love.

 Okay, last picture, we finally got Maxine back inside, and settled her down with a rawhide dog bone.

Warm and cozy and calmer. True love here too , a dog and her bone.

Stay warm , sleep well,

Gina