Such BEAUTY---My Oldest Daughter Rachel

Seconds after the preacher announced they were man and wife--Bliss on her face !

I wanted to write a little something about my firstborn, my oldest daughter Rachel. This is hard, because there is SO much to say about her. I cannot possibly do her justice and write about all of her qualities.
But I will give it a shot.
She is one of the most remarkable people I have ever met, and many people say that about her. She is not just strikingly beautiful, like her little sister was...she is full of deep beauty inside. She is a strong Christian , a very hard working new attorney, graduated at the top of her class in college and in law school. Many awards, much community service, volunteering at school, church and all over the place. Heart of gold, and quick as a whip. This little girl ( she will always be my little girl ), can verbally win just about any argument with anybody, anytime...and equally bless you with acts and gifts and words of encouragement and love.
She is also quite funny, she can snap back at something dumb I just remarked about or something dumb or rude someone else said, and make me smile and laugh almost everytime.
 

 On her wedding day, that is Sarah, to the right on the stairs. Sarah was Rachel's maid-of-honor. 
My oldest daughter was married 2 1/2 weeks after her grandmother's ( my mother's), funeral...and her little sister Sarah was killed in the middle of an afternoon in a car accident while we were hours away, and her husband was in Afghanistan....and she was devastated.
She has had some horrible news, in her young life, always at very bad times. 
She was away at law school taking exams when I had to call her about my mother's sudden heart attack , and she was at her office when she got the news of her little sister. Again, Rachel's
husband at that time was in Afghanistan, he tried so hard to get back for the funeral---but it took the US Army 4 days to get him here and he missed it. 
He did come home and help , and he helped comfort his wife for a few weeks. He is now back in the States safe and sound.

True love

 When we got home that evening, the evening of Sarah's death---driving 2 1/2 hours in raging thunderstorms the whole way back--- I was in such bad shape over Sarah--- my husband had to rush me to the emergency room. Everyone thought, including me, that I was having a heart attack. They did all kinds of tests, I was having some bad reactions---and they kept me there until my vital signs looked better. While we watched the clock tick by , and so from 10 PM to 5 AM--the night of Sarah's accident...my husband and I  and stayed and mourned in that emergency room. While Rachel, took her little brother home with her, and in her terrible grief and shock---took care of him for us that night.
That is the kind of person she is, helpful, sacrificial, loving.
Responsible.
The next day, with two hours of sleep, we had to be at the funeral home to make the arrangements. Rachel came to be with us and help, as well as my sister and dad. When I was there for many days , because there are lots of arrangements to make, unbelievable stress---Rachel was at our home cleaning, taking in all the gift baskets, flowers, fielding phone calls, being her usual ultra-responsible-loving self.
I appreciate her so , so much.

My last baby and my first baby here.

 When she was young--she has always worked, babysat when young, worked in high school part-time, and college part-time, and she worked very hard and always went above and beyond what her employers asked for ( still does ). She was her sorority President, and their chaplain , she is always taking on responsibility.
With all this, she always, and I mean ALWAYS graduated on the honor roll, top of the class, straight A's. 
She always said, when I told her how smart she was, between high school and law school---she would say , " I'm not smarter than anyone else, lots of students are smarter than I am, I just work very hard, harder than most. "




Growing up, she was a huge help to me raising the others, as my husband was working constantly---two jobs and not home very much.
She was an awesome big sister.
Tough, fair and loving.

They were my little posse, my first three...as I had my first three within 4 years time.
I loved all of my children very, very much, and of course still do. Probably even more than ever.

Since she is grown, she also enjoys being a marvelous hostess, making meals, baking sweets and desserts, planning gatherings. She decorates her home beautifully and makes everyone feel welcome. She definitely has the gift of hospitality.

Thanksgiving

I am truly amazed, that I gave birth to such a young woman. I often feel she is everything that I always wanted to be.
She is an inspiration to me , every year she is even more.
She is so much more giving than me, more un-selfish than me, more   tactful than I am , her plate is always full...yet she will remember to do something special for someone, with her very limited time now ( she works about 50-70+ hours every week ).
She never forgets to hand-write thank you notes for every gift she receives.
 
I look at her, and my heart fills with joy.
I am so very proud of her, and feel unworthy to have had a part in her creation. That may sound nutty, but I feel that in part for all my children---how blessed can a woman be to bring such life into this world ?
Such beauty she has !

I did write on My daughter/My Mirror about me and Sarah http://antique-art-garden.blogspot.com/p/my-daughter-my-mirror.html---how we were alike and different. I know that about me and Rachel as well, as she is the first  '
 ' daughter -mirror' I had, and I guess one of the most notable qualities  that we share---is our tenacity and our assertiveness. Secondly would be our observant nature , thirdly our desire to give gifts to those we love, and overall our Christian faith.
Her faith, by the way, has always been stronger than mine. A fact I am also very proud of.


So , just a short, entry about my firstborn , I hope you enjoyed my words about her. I do not get to see her as much as I would like, but that is how it should be. She is married,  has her job, and when she can ---then we see each other.

She is one of my loves.

Hope your day is good, productive and touched with love and caring,

Gina

Me and LOT's WIFE

There is a story in the Bible, in Genesis, about Sodom and Gomorrah, about Lot and his family ( the only righteous man that Abraham found ) are warned to leave before God destroys the cities for their evil ways. God , through His angels,  warns Lot  to flee and to not look back, as God burns the city to the ground and destroys it. Lot rushes to the hills with his family, warning everyone to not look back...and none of them do...except Lot's wife. She pauses, she stops, and she turns and looks at her past , at her home, and she is turned into a pillar of salt by God.
She probably had a strong over-powering urge, a longing...to look once again.
I feel like her.
I keep looking back in my past, and it clearly states in the Bible to press on ( Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead Phillip. 3:13 ), forgetting what is behind. I have always looked at my past too much, melancholy , sensitive people do that.

I think in this road of grief that I have been thrown on, I keep stopping and looking back...looking for my Sarah . I was talking to my other daughter, Sarah's big sister, about how time is so far not helping, as I feel the more time passes...the more upset I get , about time passing. Makes no sense, but she helped me figure out is was because I want to go back in time, to the time Sarah was alive...and the more days that pass by...the further I get from when she was alive. From the last time I physically spoke to her, touched her, saw her.
That upsets me. 

Days go by, and I get further and further away. I look about, and the sun comes out still, birds are chirping and flying about, people are going on with their lives, I have the urge to go up to them and say, " Don't you know that my precious daughter died ? " I want them to understand my anguish, this world's great loss, but only the ones who have lost a child truly can know and understand. The others cringe with the thought of it happening to them. I want to understand how the world can be joyous, happy...because it is hard for me to mentally and emotionally understand that fact right now.

Though it is a fact, life has not stopped, the world is still functioning. 

I know that what I feel is not unusual for someone grieving .

 

I remember having a talk with Sarah, after my mother, her grandmother Sarah, died suddenly of a heart attack 2 years ago. I remember Sarah looking at me, I was working on eBay listings, and she came and told me that she was so worried I would die. She was crying, I told her that was normal after someone suddenly dies, you get worried about people that you love dying too. Then I looked up at her, I was sitting and she was standing , and I pointed to my heart, and I said, " Don't worry honey, I am a part of you, I will always be with you ..inside here. Always. " I remember tapping my chest again, and then I got up and hugged her, and told her quite sincerely with a smile, " I will always be inside of you, I am part of you, " and tapped her heart. That seemed to comfort her, she thought if I died, it would kill her ....she loved me and needed me very much.
I think back on that conversation often, I can still see her standing beside me crying...and I have tried very hard to flip that idea, that SHE is a part of ME, for always ...to try to comfort me.

I sit and consider why I was so sure that she will always have a part of me , inside her, that I was part of her now...and it was for two reasons, 1. She came from my womb...my body produced my beautiful daughter...she was there 9 months before anyone else could see her. I physically had her , knew her longer than anyone else in this world. The bond that creates is intense and strong, mother and child.


2. Once she was born, the bond grew even stronger, through time and trails and joy...she picked up on many of my characteristics , habits, gestures , beliefs...and we developed a deep bond of love. 

The comfort that brings me , even though it is still harder for me to grasp that she , her very essence... is a part of me , forever...like I said, I see it from a mother to a daughter ( or son ), heredity...passing down through generations...and I am praying that God helps me see that she lives in me still. Not memories, but part of her , makes up part of me. That the bond we formed  , is permanent , and we both permanently became part of each other. That even death cannot change  that.

That concept is very comforting, and I believe that each of us have formed bonds , with family, with some friends...not the , ' Gee , I really like that person as a good friend " bond, or the " Guess I do love them as they are part of my family so I have to ", bond, but the authentic, agape bonds...where that persons' welfare and happiness are more important than our own . I believe those type of bonds are felt physically , and spiritually...so much so that when that person hurts, we hurt, when that person is happy, we are happy, when that person needs us...we are willing to be there for them. You literally morph , bond with them and their live is part of your life...as  in marriage when two become one. I think it happens with parents and children , with spouses , and with a very few other select people you encounter in life. Very few , I do not imagine this can happen with all of the people we care about...only a few, in our lifetimes. I am not referring when we all make an impact on someone, or them us...but the bond that happens with time , trails , communication , shared experiences, and deep love .
It is a sure, visceral knowing.
You know it deep in your gut. 

Charleston w/ Sarah 2008

The bonds we form through strong shared love. When we love someone like that...we end up leaving part of ourselves inside them, and they do the same in return.
I think that is a gift from God , to comfort us. I need to know  part of Sarah makes up part of my very being.
She will always be with me here , as I tap myself on my chest.
And once I get to heaven, I will hold her close and kiss her again.



Bless you all today,
Gina


 " Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." 1 Thess. 4:13

My WALK That Re-APPEARED Around EDISTO Island

Somehow, and I do not know how, the pictures from Edisto, well...about 35 of them I was able to download, you know the ones from our trip down after Sarah's accident...the trip I was terrified to go on. I had taken the memory card to a photo place and the woman tried for hours to get any of these ( I did have about 300 ), and she could not get any of them. We did see these, but could never download them. then I tried my card the other day, you know, try try try again motto...and these from my early morning walk showed up , and I am able to download them.

I will take you on my walk that I walk, and that my Sarah and my other daughter used to walk with me. When my oldest daughter got married and was finishing law school, she did not have much time for vacations as much. Enough of my rambling...walk with me...

 I set off about 7:15 AM or so, coffee and peach yogurt already in my stomach to stave off any hunger pains that may arise. Water bottle in hand..plus camera.

The sun is not quite up all the way, a few joggers, walkers and bicyclists...not many this morning. Sarah always ran in front of me, singing, arms waving in the air, punching the air, she was very entertaining. I loved it, and I remember I used to just smile so much walking behind her. I was in charge of the water bottle for her. She would circle round and come back to me, and then take off again.

Summer 2009 of us heading out for a walk

I will tell you that this is very hard to write , as I see it all again in front of me. I am not doing so well, physically and emotionally, and every other way. At present, life is very painful.

When you walk along this narrow sidewalk that encircles part of the golf course, you look at the lagoon , the reflections , and you can hear the birds squawking and locusts in the trees.

Pink morning glory saying " Good Morning "

On my last post, I had a follower ( Hi Robur ), leave a comment that ' the answer for my daughter's death will only come with time.' The big problem with that statement , to me now, and I generally agree with it...but now ...I know there may not be time for any answers or insights. Who knows how long any of us have on this earth ? 

There may not be time to show the people you love that you love them, to tell someone how much they mean to you, to do something fro someone that you always wanted to do for them, to help them...to simply ' be ' with them.
Death teaches us that Time is precious, and scary to consider.

Time is a uncertain , it is unrelenting, it never ceases. It is is wasted, squandered away by most of us on things, on possessions, on silly trivial pursuits.
We can even waste time on people , people that either use your time up, or people that should not be in your life...but you allow them in, and then your precious time for your family, or friends...is wasted.
Wasted in the long or short run of your life.

See the egret ?

Closer now.

He is watching the sun come up.

I annoy him with my picture taking and he flies away.

I keep walking. It is a lonely walk.

Way in the distance you see a jogger that passed me. That used to be my view of Sarah.

I am truthfully not trying to make my readers depressed, I guess I am trying to show you that this walk, the beauty that is in front of me...is never as beautiful as it was when my girl was running or my two girls were running in front of me.

It is to remind you of the small ways that make up your family or your friends , that you REALIZE , it is only a wonderful time...because of the presence of them in your life. Not the place...

Because even the most tranquil breath-taking setting...

Is better , and more satisfying when it is shared . Infinitely better.

This is a fishing spot I pass , going around the corner. Usually people are out here fishing. I usually have to watch that they don't cast a hook in me, when I walk behind them.

On patrol.

I continue , this walk actually ends up at the beach.

But I turn down my secret road made of dirt and sand to the right here. I always do.

Very soft dirt. Super soft under my shoes.

It is always full of bird and insect sounds in the air. Very peaceful.

I wish you could feel how soft this path is.

This small side road was my daughter's ( both of them ), favorite spot along our walks. 

Spanish moss gracing the trees.

The sun is now showing up in full regal force through the trees.

The feeling of seeing her run , or hoping and wishing she would appear running in front of me was persistent, a yearning deep inside of me.
Have you experienced moments of pure bliss in your lives, of moments that all was so deeply joyful that your heart was leaping , your soul felt satisfied in that moment ? That is what I used to feel like when I saw her ahead of me, with me . Then I would feel it to the brim, overflowing joy when I saw years ago BOTH my daughters running ahead of me. Sarah would be singing and throwing her arms around, twirling to see that I was behind her...wave to me...and then push on her sister, and laugh..her sister would push back and keep jogging.

My girls after a workout in Virginia  a few years ago.

Pure , sweet bliss.

Tropical.

Up through the canopy of trees.

Almost the end of my secret road.

Undeveloped lots still down here.

A little garden that is typically tended and cared for to my right.

A very short distance to go...and I will be off of my soft dirt.

Lovely.

All around on this road. probably my second favorite element here. I'm figuring you guys figured out the soft dirt was my first.
Or the secluded nature of this road , probably both. All of it combined .

Here is where my little road ends , on a curve. I forgot to get a picture of a parrot that whistles every time we walk past . You would think some sleazy guy was out there checking out women , until you look very hard into the screened porch and see a large parrot whistling. He whistles like a sailor .
That always made Sarah laugh.

Then this heads to a main paved road, or straight ahead to the beach. I used to like to look down and see if I could tell which footprints were Sarah's in this soft dirt...but I don't believe I ever could much. I would turn, like a child, and look behind me and see if I could figure out which footprints were even mine...but that was also difficult. It was not just our secret path, it was a few others secret path too.

End of the road.

Full sun the whole way back, except for about the last mile. Total walk is about 3 miles. We did it twice a day , very fun.

Now just me and my shadow . I was very annoyed with my shadow a few weeks after her death. It would walk beside me, in front of me...looking perfectly normal to the outside world. No one would think I had any anguish inside, just a woman swinging a water bottle, and listening to music from my headphones. Looking normal .
I would look at my shadow and be irritated it was there, I wanted complete solitude , even from it.
Can't get rid of it though...it shows up all the time.
It doesn't bother me as much as it did. 


I hope you remember your moments of of pure bliss , relish them in your hearts . Let someone know they helped create it for you, either a child, spouse or friend ...or family member.
Let them know , I did tell my girls that before many years ago, and even last year.


Bless you,
Gina

Whose EYES Go SOFT For You ?

We were driving back from church last Sunday morning, and I always take my son's little papers they give him after his Sunday School class...and I read them out in the car on the way home.

Sort of quiz him on what he learned. He usually doesn't remember anything, or acts like he doesn't ...so I like to ' feed ' him his answers off the papers.

The lesson that Sunday was about loving your friends like yourself. What love means, how to show it. 

I was reading off the papers, and I then decided to put them down and try to quiz him on the basic visible concept of love from one person to another.
Something that I always notice , and appreciate.

This was my question, by the way...I am in the passenger seat, my husband is driving...and our son is directly behind me. So all answers I received were like a little echo in a valley, back up to me from the back seat.

They were quiet, sure answers.

I first told him how nice it is to be loved, how good it feels.

He agreed.

I then explain to him, that when someone loves you, really loves you...their eyes get soft, they actually get soft-looking. Did he understand  ?

He says Yes.

My love-bug and his Mother's Day roses for me

I then ask him, " Do Mom's eyes go soft when I look at you ?'

Little voice goes, " Yes. "

Does Mavis' ( his bestest friend ) eyes go soft when they look at you ?"

"Yes."

Then I go through his sister's names , each one I ask if they go soft looking at him.

More little Yeses come up from the back seat.

I then ask if his dad's eyes go soft when he looks at him ?

" Yes, " he says.

I look over at my husband and smile, and ask our son one last person, or rather family member about do their eyes go soft , " Do Maxine's eyes go soft over you ?'

A definite ' Yes ! "

Maxine

I then told him how lucky, how blessed he was to have people's eyes go soft and show their love to him.

I felt like it was one of the few serious lessons of life, about love, that my son got at an early age.

I believe if we all have at least one persons' eyes go soft...some people may have more, but I hope you can appreciate the one or many...as it truly is a precious, priceless gift from one to the other.

Diamonds, rubies, gold and silver cannot match the glow in a loved one's eyes.

Don't let it pass you by, appreciate the softness, every time.

I hope your evening is good , or your morning !

Bless you,

Gina

" For thus says the LORD of hosts :' He sent Me after glory , to the nations which plunder you ; for he who touches you touches the apple of His eye. " Zechariah 2:8