Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Somehow, and I do not know how, the pictures from Edisto, well...about 35 of them I was able to download, you know the ones from our trip down after Sarah's accident...the trip I was terrified to go on. I had taken the memory card to a photo place and the woman tried for hours to get any of these ( I did have about 300 ), and she could not get any of them. We did see these, but could never download them. then I tried my card the other day, you know, try try try again motto...and these from my early morning walk showed up , and I am able to download them.
I will take you on my walk that I walk, and that my Sarah and my other daughter used to walk with me. When my oldest daughter got married and was finishing law school, she did not have much time for vacations as much. Enough of my rambling...walk with me...
 I set off about 7:15 AM or so, coffee and peach yogurt already in my stomach to stave off any hunger pains that may arise. Water bottle in camera.

The sun is not quite up all the way, a few joggers, walkers and bicyclists...not many this morning. Sarah always ran in front of me, singing, arms waving in the air, punching the air, she was very entertaining. I loved it, and I remember I used to just smile so much walking behind her. I was in charge of the water bottle for her. She would circle round and come back to me, and then take off again.
Summer 2009 of us heading out for a walk
I will tell you that this is very hard to write , as I see it all again in front of me. I am not doing so well, physically and emotionally, and every other way. At present, life is very painful.

When you walk along this narrow sidewalk that encircles part of the golf course, you look at the lagoon , the reflections , and you can hear the birds squawking and locusts in the trees.

Pink morning glory saying " Good Morning "

On my last post, I had a follower ( Hi Robur ), leave a comment that ' the answer for my daughter's death will only come with time.' The big problem with that statement , to me now, and I generally agree with it...but now ...I know there may not be time for any answers or insights. Who knows how long any of us have on this earth ? 
There may not be time to show the people you love that you love them, to tell someone how much they mean to you, to do something fro someone that you always wanted to do for them, to help simply ' be ' with them.
Death teaches us that Time is precious, and scary to consider.
Time is a uncertain , it is unrelenting, it never ceases. It is is wasted, squandered away by most of us on things, on possessions, on silly trivial pursuits.
We can even waste time on people , people that either use your time up, or people that should not be in your life...but you allow them in, and then your precious time for your family, or wasted.
Wasted in the long or short run of your life.

See the egret ?

Closer now.
He is watching the sun come up.

I annoy him with my picture taking and he flies away.

I keep walking. It is a lonely walk.

Way in the distance you see a jogger that passed me. That used to be my view of Sarah.

I am truthfully not trying to make my readers depressed, I guess I am trying to show you that this walk, the beauty that is in front of never as beautiful as it was when my girl was running or my two girls were running in front of me.
It is to remind you of the small ways that make up your family or your friends , that you REALIZE , it is only a wonderful time...because of the presence of them in your life. Not the place...
Because even the most tranquil breath-taking setting...

Is better , and more satisfying when it is shared . Infinitely better.

This is a fishing spot I pass , going around the corner. Usually people are out here fishing. I usually have to watch that they don't cast a hook in me, when I walk behind them.

On patrol.

I continue , this walk actually ends up at the beach.

But I turn down my secret road made of dirt and sand to the right here. I always do.

Very soft dirt. Super soft under my shoes.

It is always full of bird and insect sounds in the air. Very peaceful.

I wish you could feel how soft this path is.

This small side road was my daughter's ( both of them ), favorite spot along our walks. 

Spanish moss gracing the trees.

The sun is now showing up in full regal force through the trees.

The feeling of seeing her run , or hoping and wishing she would appear running in front of me was persistent, a yearning deep inside of me.
Have you experienced moments of pure bliss in your lives, of moments that all was so deeply joyful that your heart was leaping , your soul felt satisfied in that moment ? That is what I used to feel like when I saw her ahead of me, with me . Then I would feel it to the brim, overflowing joy when I saw years ago BOTH my daughters running ahead of me. Sarah would be singing and throwing her arms around, twirling to see that I was behind her...wave to me...and then push on her sister, and laugh..her sister would push back and keep jogging.
My girls after a workout in Virginia  a few years ago.

Pure , sweet bliss.


Up through the canopy of trees.

Almost the end of my secret road.

Undeveloped lots still down here.

A little garden that is typically tended and cared for to my right.

A very short distance to go...and I will be off of my soft dirt.


All around on this road. probably my second favorite element here. I'm figuring you guys figured out the soft dirt was my first.
Or the secluded nature of this road , probably both. All of it combined .

Here is where my little road ends , on a curve. I forgot to get a picture of a parrot that whistles every time we walk past . You would think some sleazy guy was out there checking out women , until you look very hard into the screened porch and see a large parrot whistling. He whistles like a sailor .
That always made Sarah laugh.

Then this heads to a main paved road, or straight ahead to the beach. I used to like to look down and see if I could tell which footprints were Sarah's in this soft dirt...but I don't believe I ever could much. I would turn, like a child, and look behind me and see if I could figure out which footprints were even mine...but that was also difficult. It was not just our secret path, it was a few others secret path too.

End of the road.
Full sun the whole way back, except for about the last mile. Total walk is about 3 miles. We did it twice a day , very fun.

Now just me and my shadow . I was very annoyed with my shadow a few weeks after her death. It would walk beside me, in front of me...looking perfectly normal to the outside world. No one would think I had any anguish inside, just a woman swinging a water bottle, and listening to music from my headphones. Looking normal .
I would look at my shadow and be irritated it was there, I wanted complete solitude , even from it.
Can't get rid of it shows up all the time.
It doesn't bother me as much as it did. 

I hope you remember your moments of of pure bliss , relish them in your hearts . Let someone know they helped create it for you, either a child, spouse or friend ...or family member.
Let them know , I did tell my girls that before many years ago, and even last year.

Bless you,


  1. Dear Gina ~ What another lovely, heartfelt post. I could just 'feel' being on this walk with you, hear you talking about Sarah and sense the love you have for her, and the deep despair of your loss.

    Life is precious, and we don't always realize that or appreciate the preciousness of it. We let little, petty things creep in instead of letting them go and enjoying the love and beauty that surrounds us.

    I am so glad you somehow got these pictures. That seems like a miracle to me. Thank you for sharing them here.

    Love and hugs to you dear heart FlowerLady

  2. Gina that is such a beautiful walk. Thank you for taking me along. I enjoyed the soft dirt and the oaks with their hanging moss and the beauty of the sun coming through the trees. Each and every time I speak to my family (all of them) we say we love each other. But there are lots of things I forget to say too. Thank you for the reminder Gina. My heart aches for you and I wish we could hug. Cyber hugs will have to do sweetie. Honey you inspire us all to share love with each other. You are in my prayers.

  3. Dear Gina

    I loved seeing the spanish moss drapping over the branches of the trees like that. I am so glad that you were able to rescue some of the photos.

    Thankyou so much for sharing your precious thoughts. You know I think we do take our families for granted at times and don't let them know often enough how much we love them.

    I can remember when my grandad died I would spend hours crying for months because I had not told him often enough about how much I had loved him. (He gave me "green fingers" and taught me so much about gardening hence the reason my blog is a tribute to him too).

    Do you know what - I'm gonna go upstairs now and hug my boys and tell them I love them after sending this comment to you and do it more often from now on to those I love so much in this world.

    Hugs to you too Gina (((hugs)))

    Rosie xxx

  4. I'm still unclear about the state of your defective memory card.

    Unless you've actually written new images onto the card, you ought to be able to recover any existing ones. But it might not be as simple as just trying to read the card as normal.

    Google for 'retrieving lost images from memory card'. That will give lots of suggestions, generally recovery software that you pay to download. There is also free recovery software if you look for it.

    Some camera shops, or computer service shops, should also be able to do this, but you do have to pay for the service, around $30. If you feel that the shop you tried was not up to the job, try somewhere else.

    Here's an article about this, but it's old, and the suggested links are out of date:

    Here's some free software, I've got no idea if it works:

    Get your helpers to give you a hand.

  5. I am so glad that you were able to get these pictures! I am trying to absorb everything that you are saying. Thank you Gina.

  6. Gina,
    My heart aches so for you and you continue to be in my prayers every day.
    You are so right that every moment should be treasured and not wasted. And just being with those we love is a gift that shouldn't be squandered.
    The path you walk at the beach is beautiful. I pray that one day on that walk you will feel the joyful spirit of Sara walking along side of you and that the terrible pain of her physical absence will be eased.

  7. Thanks for your company and commentary on this beautiful walk. You're right. It isn't the PLACE so much as the PRESENCE. I will remember that "line", Gina. Interwoven with all the beauty of this walk (which I may never take in person) is the painful beauty of your growth and insight.

    And as you know, you really AREN'T alone. Comfort and joy to you, dear one.

  8. As usualy your beautiful writing makes me stop and really listen to what I'm suppose to be hearing in this life.

  9. Gina, thank you for sharing your journey along the soft dirt road with us. One wise thing you wrote is to remind us NOT to waste time! I can see that you did not waste time and so you have many perfect moments stored up to remember.

  10. Hi Gina,
    I'm a fairly new reader, but I sense your mother's heart in your loss. In perusing the blogs I come across, I have been amazed at the number of bloggers who have are suffering loss, and I realize how therapeutic it must be to journal the feelings that accompany grief. It must be helpful to others who are on the same path or someday will be--as this is something none of can escape while on this earth. We have all faced loss or will in the future and it's just plain hard and not fair. Just today I read the lovely Tanya's tribute to the son she lost five years ago to cancer as she discussed how she has coped with the terrible loss. Her Aug. 28 post tribute is at She is the "Sunday Baker". It's sad and brought tears to my eyes, but it did not depress me --it was full of faith, love and hope. There is a time for solitude for no one else can feel just what you feel or have the memories you have. Your writing is beautiful and I know it is helping many others.

  11. During your walk, all of the sad thoughts and emotions that you were experiencing - they are entirely inside your own head and body.

    Sarah isn't feeling sad, as far as we know. The rest of the world is going about its business as normal.

    Your family might be feeling a bit sad. But they are probably a lot more worried about you than Sarah.

    In a couple of posts, including this one, you've mentioned your Shadow. It's almost as though the unconscious, God, wants to bring this to your attention. You've registered it, and mentioned it, so perhaps you should look into it. Possibly a bit later, when you're feeling a bit better, because it's not an easy thing to do.

    One aspect of the pyschological shadow includes all the people who you don't like, for one reason or another. You might say that you're a good Christian, and you forgive everyone. Not true!

    There will be loads of people who have hurt you, and told you off, and goodness knows what, and all this stuff is pushed very firmly to the bottom of your mind. Stuff going right back to early childhood. It really is pushed very firmly down into the cellar, and the door is bolted, and you try to erase all those bad feelings from memory forever. That's part of the shadow.

    Part of the process of psychotherapy is to bring all the bad memories, which are still there, but you can't get at them, back into consciousness, and into the light.

    In fact, your memory (the one inside your head), is just like the memory on your camera card. The images are still there (in your head) but you can't recall them.

    Perhaps some are too painful to look at. I've no idea. I'm just putting this in general terms.

    But this does seem to be about "recovering lost images from memory".

    Perhaps God messed up your camera card precisely to bring all this stuff to your attention.

  12. Hi, Gina. Beautiful location! I love your secret road...very tranquil. I hear your sadness and want to reach out and give you a big hug, as if that would help. I'm glad you choose to share your thoughts...they're not depressing but deeply warm expressions that many, I'm sure, are envious of. Not everyone can love and be loved like you can, Gina. That's a gift...a painful gift sometimes, but most of the time quite rewarding.


I love comments , please leave one if you like. I try to respond to comments,but if I'm running behind, please know that I read each one before they are published. Thanks much, Gina