There is a story in the Bible, in Genesis, about Sodom and Gomorrah, about Lot and his family ( the only righteous man that Abraham found ) are warned to leave before God destroys the cities for their evil ways. God , through His angels, warns Lot to flee and to not look back, as God burns the city to the ground and destroys it. Lot rushes to the hills with his family, warning everyone to not look back...and none of them do...except Lot's wife. She pauses, she stops, and she turns and looks at her past , at her home, and she is turned into a pillar of salt by God.
She probably had a strong over-powering urge, a longing...to look once again.
I feel like her.
I keep looking back in my past, and it clearly states in the Bible to press on ( Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead Phillip. 3:13 ), forgetting what is behind. I have always looked at my past too much, melancholy , sensitive people do that.
I think in this road of grief that I have been thrown on, I keep stopping and looking back...looking for my Sarah . I was talking to my other daughter, Sarah's big sister, about how time is so far not helping, as I feel the more time passes...the more upset I get , about time passing. Makes no sense, but she helped me figure out is was because I want to go back in time, to the time Sarah was alive...and the more days that pass by...the further I get from when she was alive. From the last time I physically spoke to her, touched her, saw her.
That upsets me.
I remember having a talk with Sarah, after my mother, her grandmother Sarah, died suddenly of a heart attack 2 years ago. I remember Sarah looking at me, I was working on eBay listings, and she came and told me that she was so worried I would die. She was crying, I told her that was normal after someone suddenly dies, you get worried about people that you love dying too. Then I looked up at her, I was sitting and she was standing , and I pointed to my heart, and I said, " Don't worry honey, I am a part of you, I will always be with you ..inside here. Always. " I remember tapping my chest again, and then I got up and hugged her, and told her quite sincerely with a smile, " I will always be inside of you, I am part of you, " and tapped her heart. That seemed to comfort her, she thought if I died, it would kill her ....she loved me and needed me very much.
I think back on that conversation often, I can still see her standing beside me crying...and I have tried very hard to flip that idea, that SHE is a part of ME, for always ...to try to comfort me.
I sit and consider why I was so sure that she will always have a part of me , inside her, that I was part of her now...and it was for two reasons, 1. She came from my womb...my body produced my beautiful daughter...she was there 9 months before anyone else could see her. I physically had her , knew her longer than anyone else in this world. The bond that creates is intense and strong, mother and child.
2. Once she was born, the bond grew even stronger, through time and trails and joy...she picked up on many of my characteristics , habits, gestures , beliefs...and we developed a deep bond of love.
The comfort that brings me , even though it is still harder for me to grasp that she , her very essence... is a part of me , forever...like I said, I see it from a mother to a daughter ( or son ), heredity...passing down through generations...and I am praying that God helps me see that she lives in me still. Not memories, but part of her , makes up part of me. That the bond we formed , is permanent , and we both permanently became part of each other. That even death cannot change that.
That concept is very comforting, and I believe that each of us have formed bonds , with family, with some friends...not the , ' Gee , I really like that person as a good friend " bond, or the " Guess I do love them as they are part of my family so I have to ", bond, but the authentic, agape bonds...where that persons' welfare and happiness are more important than our own . I believe those type of bonds are felt physically , and spiritually...so much so that when that person hurts, we hurt, when that person is happy, we are happy, when that person needs us...we are willing to be there for them. You literally morph , bond with them and their live is part of your life...as in marriage when two become one. I think it happens with parents and children , with spouses , and with a very few other select people you encounter in life. Very few , I do not imagine this can happen with all of the people we care about...only a few, in our lifetimes. I am not referring when we all make an impact on someone, or them us...but the bond that happens with time , trails , communication , shared experiences, and deep love .
It is a sure, visceral knowing.
You know it deep in your gut.
The bonds we form through strong shared love. When we love someone like that...we end up leaving part of ourselves inside them, and they do the same in return.
I think that is a gift from God , to comfort us. I need to know part of Sarah makes up part of my very being.
She will always be with me here , as I tap myself on my chest.
And once I get to heaven, I will hold her close and kiss her again.
Bless you all today,
Gina
" Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." 1 Thess. 4:13
She probably had a strong over-powering urge, a longing...to look once again.
I feel like her.
I keep looking back in my past, and it clearly states in the Bible to press on ( Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead Phillip. 3:13 ), forgetting what is behind. I have always looked at my past too much, melancholy , sensitive people do that.
That upsets me.
Days go by, and I get further and further away. I look about, and the sun comes out still, birds are chirping and flying about, people are going on with their lives, I have the urge to go up to them and say, " Don't you know that my precious daughter died ? " I want them to understand my anguish, this world's great loss, but only the ones who have lost a child truly can know and understand. The others cringe with the thought of it happening to them. I want to understand how the world can be joyous, happy...because it is hard for me to mentally and emotionally understand that fact right now.
Though it is a fact, life has not stopped, the world is still functioning.
I know that what I feel is not unusual for someone grieving .
I think back on that conversation often, I can still see her standing beside me crying...and I have tried very hard to flip that idea, that SHE is a part of ME, for always ...to try to comfort me.
I sit and consider why I was so sure that she will always have a part of me , inside her, that I was part of her now...and it was for two reasons, 1. She came from my womb...my body produced my beautiful daughter...she was there 9 months before anyone else could see her. I physically had her , knew her longer than anyone else in this world. The bond that creates is intense and strong, mother and child.
2. Once she was born, the bond grew even stronger, through time and trails and joy...she picked up on many of my characteristics , habits, gestures , beliefs...and we developed a deep bond of love.
The comfort that brings me , even though it is still harder for me to grasp that she , her very essence... is a part of me , forever...like I said, I see it from a mother to a daughter ( or son ), heredity...passing down through generations...and I am praying that God helps me see that she lives in me still. Not memories, but part of her , makes up part of me. That the bond we formed , is permanent , and we both permanently became part of each other. That even death cannot change that.
That concept is very comforting, and I believe that each of us have formed bonds , with family, with some friends...not the , ' Gee , I really like that person as a good friend " bond, or the " Guess I do love them as they are part of my family so I have to ", bond, but the authentic, agape bonds...where that persons' welfare and happiness are more important than our own . I believe those type of bonds are felt physically , and spiritually...so much so that when that person hurts, we hurt, when that person is happy, we are happy, when that person needs us...we are willing to be there for them. You literally morph , bond with them and their live is part of your life...as in marriage when two become one. I think it happens with parents and children , with spouses , and with a very few other select people you encounter in life. Very few , I do not imagine this can happen with all of the people we care about...only a few, in our lifetimes. I am not referring when we all make an impact on someone, or them us...but the bond that happens with time , trails , communication , shared experiences, and deep love .
It is a sure, visceral knowing.
You know it deep in your gut.
 | |||||||
| Charleston w/ Sarah 2008 |
I think that is a gift from God , to comfort us. I need to know part of Sarah makes up part of my very being.
She will always be with me here , as I tap myself on my chest.
And once I get to heaven, I will hold her close and kiss her again.
Bless you all today,
Gina
" Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." 1 Thess. 4:13
Gina, I shed tears for you reading this today. It takes time, and sometimes a lot of it, before the pain lessens. She is always a part of you, and you of her. I hope writing and sharing your grief brings you a small measure of comfort. God loves you.
ReplyDeleteMourning the grief of losing your precious baby is very time
ReplyDeleteIt will cost you years of your life, to a place to give and it would remain difficult.
It remains difficult every day sometimes every hour, every minute ....
You only feel pain and sorrow ....
Oh what have I terribly sorry for you, I wish I could help.
I still pray for you every day ..... that's my interpretation ....
Blessings and love darling..........lots of hugs........love you Ria....
Gina...That is a wonderful way to look at it, and one that I believe is very true. She is and will always be a very big part of you. The two of you share an eternal bond...one that can never be severed. The veil between the earthly realm and the heavenly realm is very thin, and she is indeed always very near to you.
ReplyDeleteGina ,I know that one of the hardest things about bereavement that I felt was that every one else who was not involved just kept on their life as normal. I wanted to shout out" nothing is normal...don't you know that?"
ReplyDeleteYou are completely normal in your grieving.
Part of my reading this morning was that reassuring verse..."underneath are the everlasting arms" so fall as far as you need to my dear.
That was another heartfelt post dear Gina. Love is eternal, and what you had with Sarah cannot be taken away. The time she was alive here on this earth is becoming further in the past, but the day of your reunion is drawing ever closer.
ReplyDeleteLove, hugs and prayers ~ FlowerLady
I like the way you express your thoughts and explain the different emotions you experience. It offers those of us who have NOT lost a child have a tiny glimpse t into the grief that comes with that experience.
ReplyDeleteMy friend Mr Jung wrote something about the mother-daughter relationship, which is beyond me. This is what he says:
ReplyDelete"We could say that every mother contains her daughter in herself and every daughter her mother and that every woman extends backwards into her mother and forwards into her daughter. The pysche pre-existing in the unborn child participates in the maternal psyche on the one hand, while on the other it reaches acorss to the daughter psyche. This participation and intermingling give rise to a peculiar uncertainty as regards time: a woman lives earlier as a mother, later as a daughter. The conscious experience of these ties produces the feeling that her life is spread out over generations - the first step towards the conviction of being outside time, which brings with it a feeling of immortality."
Mr Jung's friend, Marie-Louise von Franz, presumably following his line, wrote about childbirth. She says it's deporable that, today, childbirth is seen as a medical procedure that takes place in a hospital. Whereas it was once a spiritual event with great meaning:
"It is as if the woman were instrumental in bringing something to life in a wider sense than the biological explanation. The pregnant women is a vessel for that mysterious process; she carries that mystery within her. It is a closeness to the beyond. To that unknown source from which life comes and to which it returns. The dreams of pregnant women show that the unconscious makes a big, archetypal, and I would call it numninous, affair of having a child. Pregnant women have this proximity to the archetypal world, mysterious dreams about the origin of man. There are psychological mysteries, and inner realisations connected with childbirth, which many women miss out on in our culture."
I have been visiting your site for several weeks. Your heartfelt writing is incredibly beautiful and touching and I feel as though I've come to know both you and Sarah, even if only from a distance. When I'm strolling through my own garden, I often find myself thinking of you both. The deep bond you & your lovely daughter shared is an inspiration to all who stumble upon your blog. I, too, am the mother of a precious daughter & I cannot imagine life without her.
ReplyDeleteHi Gina - I came by yesterday to leave a comment but blogger was acting up at the moment and didn't get back to you. Beautiful post Gina. I think the commenter above put it well -Robert d'Amour. I like what he said. Hope you have a blessed day sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI am so utterly moved by your post, and am bawling. I will pray that you wake up and every day from herein is sunny outside and in your heart. Your love for you daughter is expressed in every word you've written. You're on the right journey, allowing yourself to heal and not rushing it. You will be left with a scar, but when you go to your garden you will find Sarah there, amongst all that you touch, see and breath. But I don't need to tell you this. You already know. Don't ever think you're alone and the world is going on happy without your daughter. The other day I laid in bed at 5 a.m crying over an 18 year old girl that was killed in a car accident. She was a mere stranger to me, but was one year behind my son in graduating. I never knew her, but the news of her death really got to me. I cried that morning because I knew that it was the day she would be buried and that I also knew her parents were likely crying, like me, at that exact same time. I think about their daughter now when I'm out sometimes. I will think of your daughter too now, and the beautiful photos you have here of her. She will never be forgotten. May God Bless you and your family. Lisa
ReplyDeleteGINA,
ReplyDeleteI'M SO SORRY, I KNOW THE EMOTIONS YOU ARE DEALING WITH. I HAVE BEEN THERE, EVEN SO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO MAKE YOUR HEART BETTER FOR MINE STILL PAINS.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU.
SUE