I think we all have times in our lives, the older we get, the more times we have...of wanting answers/explanations from God for events , tragedies, health problems, financial problems or simple unfulfilled hopes and dreams that we desire. I have had people tell me, that my faith is strong, evidently ( I am guessing since they seem to see it), strong.
I know that it is not.
Between deaths in my immediate family, and some other circumstances and relationship difficulties, and then observing other people's tragedies and misfortunes...I am having some down days as a fan/witness of God Almighty.
I have come up with an analogy to try to explain my faith right now, and it is sort of like this.
I am a fan of a team( believer in God), and I live my life, and at certain times....I sit back on some bleachers and watch other's lives, and even my own from a slight distance.
When a good play( event in life), occurs....then I cheer, clap and move closer to the field.
Life is good.
When a bad play occurs, I move up the bleachers, further from my team, the coach, and grumble. And by the way, I mean it has to be a VERY bad play , such as a death, calamity or serious health issue of someone.
I understand about job losses, break-ups, car problems, minor health issues, etc. I understand that life is not fair, and that we all have burdens.
( disclaimer-I do not move away from my son's team when they are losing).
Example: I had a very nice friend, a fellow baseball mom, a special mom of one of my son's friends, die of breast cancer, only 41 years old, fought it for years bravely...and God allowed her death. He did not cause it, but allowed it to happen, and leave a young 11 year old boy and his father without a mother in their home.
That made me move back a bit in the bleachers.
And by the way, I am already half-way back anyway, since my youngest daughter's death.
Then yesterday I found out a young , handsome 24 year old umpire at our baseball complex my son plays at, was killed by a drunk driver .
I remember him just 5 nights ago, young and healthy and nice to the children, umpiring our last game.
I subsequently shift back about two rows, further from my team( my God, my Christianity, my faith).
Frowning now.
I am not on the top of the back bleachers yet, but if tragedy after tragedy, occurs unrelentlessly...as it happens in life...
then I would REALLY like God to EXPLAIN why in the heck He allows so much sorrow and pain in our lives!!???
I know we learn from pain, I know many people unwittingly cause their own deaths through carelessness/bad habits/forming bad relationships/very bad decisions, etc.
BUT, many do not. Many people are caught up in a illness, accident,murder, abuse that they have NO part in.
So I sit back and want ( or have really) screamed at God, "What are you doing, can you see the pain here?!!!"
If some of my followers write and tell me we are supposed to go through trials and tribulations, that Jesus has overcome the world, that He was a man of sorrows, that we must suffer to learn, that we are not to grieve like ones who do not have hope...I KNOW all that.
I also know that God knows I am one very hard-headed woman who is passionate about causes and my family. That 'fighter' in me, is what makes me so difficult to calm, at least spiritually.
I can just imagine my head coach( God), on the field ( life), during a terrible, stupid play...and I am up near the top of the bleachers yelling at HIM to " STOP this, DO something ! Can't You see out there!", pointing at this or that.
And then I imagine Him turning to look at me, His assistant coaches( some Saints, Moses, Elijah ), telling Him to shut me up or throw me out of the ballpark. He instead just mildly smiles, shakes His head , and says leave her.
And I think...
If He keeps leaving me up here at the back of the bleachers I am going to fall off !
Be careful , love your family, be kind to someone you don't feel like being kind to today,
Gina
