DOING IT Afraid

Been gone for awhile, to a place that used to bring me such joy...one of my happy places in life. Edisto Beach , South Carolina. We have had family vacations there for about 13-14 years now, a sleepy family beach, outside of Charleston , SC. Here we are looking out at the Intercoastal waterway, going across a bridge that is way too high for my comfort level. We had this trip planned all year, Sarah was supposed to go, and our youngest son and us. This is also where we were , happenstance, when we got the horrible call about her accident and death on a shorter spur of the moment trip last month. I did not want to go, not one tiny bit. But the trip was paid for, and our little boy loves this place...and he and his dad are beach buddies and constant companions while they are here.

My companion would not come here , ever again, and I was terrified, truthfully...to go back to this beach after I got that call when we were here. 

Again, I told my husband this...and he kept telling me we should go. Sarah LOVED Edisto , we should go.

So I was dragged, kicking and screaming and very afraid in my soul...on this trip. 

Doing it afraid.

Too soon.

Also, these pictures I am showing in this post are not of our trip in August, but the few pictures I took in July, the day before I got the phone call that destroyed my heart. THOSE pictures ( the ones from last week ),  are completely obliterated, 256 pictures on  my camera...sunsets, pictures of my husband and son biking, seashells I found, wave frolicking, crashing waves with beach umbrellas flapping in the wind, marsh pictures, alligator pictures, so many...all gone..in an instant. It appears I never FORMATTED my pictures on my digital camera, which means that all the pictures I took at Edisto became corrupted and unreadable, and I have lost them forever. This is how I felt after 5 hours yesterday and 4 hours today at the camera store trying to recover them. Just like this..

I had lost our entire vacation, one I didn't want to be at, but it was full of happy times between my husband and our little boy, and I was going to make him a special birthday book of their time there. I left the camera store and cried , just like I did on the way to our vacation. And did on most of the days of our vacation.
Stayed there afraid and sad.
And cried.
But stayed..if we had driven two separate cars like we used to do, I would have probably driven home , picked up Maxine at the vets and moped around the house with her. But my husband wanted us all together , so I was trapped into doing it afraid.'
I also know that my husband is awesome at play, but not so great at the day to day care of a young child...so I was needed.

Taking some pictures of my days started to help, for a short spell...and those are gone. So I have been quite a sullen, pout-puss of a woman today. Did not blame God for my pictures being deleted-corrupted...it was my fault. But did have many questions and soul-screaming sessions with Him while I was there. On my walks, at the beach, in the condo.
I'm sure many people jogging, walking or biking on the trails were wondering, " Why is that woman crying on her walk ?" 
I was despondent , and asking God many questions.
Why does He allow something, a life to be taken, and not stop it ? A life that had such potential, such joy ? A life that made my life worth living . A life that DESERVED to be lived.
Yet, He allows others less worthy to live a long and full life.
I know , the more mature Christians will tell me that she will have eternal life, much better than her life could be here. I wanted her to have both, just like you would want your children or grandchildren to have both.

He never answered me. Yet , I kept asking Him... still talk with Him daily. One way communication I feel. I feel He is there , possibly testing this very ungracious grieving mother...and observing me being a pain in the poototie.
I say ungracious, as I am not so sweet when I run into people on the street at home, or when they come to my door to offer condolences. The sweet-numb mother evolved into a leave me alone mother. I prefer solitude now. Hard for the typical Southern society here in South Carolina ...the heritage in the Deep South is to bring food and ' friendly-visiting ' expressions of condolence. All those drop-by and visit  before and after the funeral , wore me thin.


Switching days here...come with me to  a few weeks earlier.

I will end this entry with a cute trip the afternoon of July 11th, with me and my son at a vegetable stand outside of Edisto. Here I am getting some veggies for a salad I was going to make there that evening.

I love fresh veggies and charming off the road vegetable stands..stands with resident kitty cats.

Like this one.

As soon as we petted him, he fell off his shelf.

He landed just fine and kept wanting love.  That's how I want to be...wait, that's how I am.

Circling for additional love.

Behind my cat-loving son is a field of flowers they grow and sell here.
They make bouquets and sell them in front. 
Look...

I loved them. Don't you love them ?

We also saw some roosters outside of the vegi stand. Or bantam hens, I have no idea which they are.

I forgot to tell you there were homemade pies in the refrigerator case in the distance here. Key Lime ( which I love ) and blueberry which my husband loves..BUT..they were 15.00 a pie !! I said, ' No way. 'Cheap pie person here. We left pie-less, but bought tomatoes, onions, and potatoes..and fresh sweet corn.

We left  to head the additional 20 minutes to the island, the cat came out to say goodbye and get any residual love he could gather up. My son obliged.

 Off we go.

Since I do not have all my pictures to show you of draping Spanish moss walks and marshes and splashing oceans..I will have to figure out what to post about.


So glad you have hung in there with me on this trip,
bless you,
hug your kids tight tonight..kiss their sweet soft cheeks...love them strong,
Gina