Somehow, and I do not know how, the pictures from Edisto, well...about 35 of them I was able to download, you know the ones from our trip down after Sarah's accident...the trip I was terrified to go on. I had taken the memory card to a photo place and the woman tried for hours to get any of these ( I did have about 300 ), and she could not get any of them. We did see these, but could never download them. then I tried my card the other day, you know, try try try again motto...and these from my early morning walk showed up , and I am able to download them.
I will take you on my walk that I walk, and that my Sarah and my other daughter used to walk with me. When my oldest daughter got married and was finishing law school, she did not have much time for vacations as much. Enough of my rambling...walk with me...
I set off about 7:15 AM or so, coffee and peach yogurt already in my stomach to stave off any hunger pains that may arise. Water bottle in hand..plus camera.
The sun is not quite up all the way, a few joggers, walkers and bicyclists...not many this morning. Sarah always ran in front of me, singing, arms waving in the air, punching the air, she was very entertaining. I loved it, and I remember I used to just smile so much walking behind her. I was in charge of the water bottle for her. She would circle round and come back to me, and then take off again.
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| Summer 2009 of us heading out for a walk |
I will tell you that this is very hard to write , as I see it all again in front of me. I am not doing so well, physically and emotionally, and every other way. At present, life is very painful.
When you walk along this narrow sidewalk that encircles part of the golf course, you look at the lagoon , the reflections , and you can hear the birds squawking and locusts in the trees.
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| Pink morning glory saying " Good Morning " | | | | |
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On my last post, I had a follower ( Hi Robur ), leave a comment that ' the answer for my daughter's death will only come with time.' The big problem with that statement , to me now, and I generally agree with it...but now ...I know there may not be time for any answers or insights. Who knows how long any of us have on this earth ?
There may not be time to show the people you love that you love them, to tell someone how much they mean to you, to do something fro someone that you always wanted to do for them, to help them...to simply ' be ' with them.
Death teaches us that Time is precious, and scary to consider.
Time is a uncertain , it is unrelenting, it never ceases. It is is wasted, squandered away by most of us on things, on possessions, on silly trivial pursuits.
We can even waste time on people , people that either use your time up, or people that should not be in your life...but you allow them in, and then your precious time for your family, or friends...is wasted.
Wasted in the long or short run of your life.
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| See the egret ? | | | | | | | | |
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| Closer now. | | |
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| He is watching the sun come up. | | |
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I annoy him with my picture taking and he flies away.
I keep walking. It is a lonely walk.
Way in the distance you see a jogger that passed me. That used to be my view of Sarah.
I am truthfully not trying to make my readers depressed, I guess I am trying to show you that this walk, the beauty that is in front of me...is never as beautiful as it was when my girl was running or my two girls were running in front of me.
It is to remind you of the small ways that make up your family or your friends , that you REALIZE , it is only a wonderful time...because of the presence of them in your life. Not the place...
Because even the most tranquil breath-taking setting...
Is better , and more satisfying when it is shared . Infinitely better.
This is a fishing spot I pass , going around the corner. Usually people are out here fishing. I usually have to watch that they don't cast a hook in me, when I walk behind them.
On patrol.
I continue , this walk actually ends up at the beach.
But I turn down my secret road made of dirt and sand to the right here. I always do.
Very soft dirt. Super soft under my shoes.
It is always full of bird and insect sounds in the air. Very peaceful.
I wish you could feel how soft this path is.
This small side road was my daughter's ( both of them ), favorite spot along our walks.
Spanish moss gracing the trees.
The sun is now showing up in full regal force through the trees.
The feeling of seeing her run , or hoping and wishing she would appear running in front of me was persistent, a yearning deep inside of me.
Have you experienced moments of pure bliss in your lives, of moments that all was so deeply joyful that your heart was leaping , your soul felt satisfied in that moment ? That is what I used to feel like when I saw her ahead of me, with me . Then I would feel it to the brim, overflowing joy when I saw years ago BOTH my daughters running ahead of me. Sarah would be singing and throwing her arms around, twirling to see that I was behind her...wave to me...and then push on her sister, and laugh..her sister would push back and keep jogging.
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| My girls after a workout in Virginia a few years ago. |
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Pure , sweet bliss.
Tropical.
Up through the canopy of trees.
Almost the end of my secret road.
Undeveloped lots still down here.
A little garden that is typically tended and cared for to my right.
A very short distance to go...and I will be off of my soft dirt.
Lovely.
All around on this road. probably my second favorite element here. I'm figuring you guys figured out the soft dirt was my first.
Or the secluded nature of this road , probably both. All of it combined .
Here is where my little road ends , on a curve. I forgot to get a picture of a parrot that whistles every time we walk past . You would think some sleazy guy was out there checking out women , until you look very hard into the screened porch and see a large parrot whistling. He whistles like a sailor .
That always made Sarah laugh.
Then this heads to a main paved road, or straight ahead to the beach. I used to like to look down and see if I could tell which footprints were Sarah's in this soft dirt...but I don't believe I ever could much. I would turn, like a child, and look behind me and see if I could figure out which footprints were even mine...but that was also difficult. It was not just our secret path, it was a few others secret path too.
End of the road.
Full sun the whole way back, except for about the last mile. Total walk is about 3 miles. We did it twice a day , very fun.
Now just me and my shadow . I was very annoyed with my shadow a few weeks after her death. It would walk beside me, in front of me...looking perfectly normal to the outside world. No one would think I had any anguish inside, just a woman swinging a water bottle, and listening to music from my headphones. Looking normal .
I would look at my shadow and be irritated it was there, I wanted complete solitude , even from it.
Can't get rid of it though...it shows up all the time.
It doesn't bother me as much as it did.
I hope you remember your moments of of pure bliss , relish them in your hearts . Let someone know they helped create it for you, either a child, spouse or friend ...or family member.
Let them know , I did tell my girls that before many years ago, and even last year.
Bless you,
Gina
