How DEEP Do You Cram Your Pain ?

Close-up of nude 1960's painting that is Sold

I was out on my morning walk a few days ago, I believe it was Monday morning...I always go for my power walks early, listen to a Christian sermon of some sort...and just keep moving. I probably walk for only 3 miles, probably about 3 1/2 , as I am trying to work myself back up to my 4 1/2 to 5 miles that I always did before.

The sun has been up for about an hour or so by now, cars whizzing by heading to work and taking kids to school. I keep moving , swing my arms some, breathe deeply...I sometimes like how my ponytail feels when it bounces gently between my shoulder blades with my strides. That's when I'm not contemplating cutting my hair and double-piercing my ears , or some other random thoughts about how to change things about me not to feel pain inside.

The sight I saw that morning, was a beautiful one...but made me sad and scared for my future vision of happiness in my life. I was coming up a street, I had passed some yardmen doing work in a corner yard..laying out fresh pinestraw in beds around a home. Then while I was looking up the street, about halfway through my walk...I saw the homeowner, a woman come jogging around the corner in the distance.

Maxine last fall ready to drag me for a early evening walk.

As I looked up, I saw her running towards me down the street, and she was still at a distance from me...and she raised both her arms in the air...and was waving them, back and forth...like a pendulum or a cheerleader. The sun was behind her, and she radiated pure joy. She must have done this about 30-50 seconds, over and over.

A joyful woman, a mesmerizing , painful vision for me.

I remember I thought, " I will never feel like that , ever again in my life. " While she got closer to me, she passed me and smiled and said, " Hi !! " So happy, she was young ( about 10 years  younger then myself I am guesstimating ), I knew she had been remarried, and I saw her out with her new husband often exercising together. 

She then passed me, and I started thinking also, rationalizing...whining... " Well of course she is happy, she is young and beautiful,  so healthy she can run and swing her arms over here head with happiness, she lives in a pretty expensive home, no money worries, she always looks in love with her new husband, she has some precious children. , what reason would she have to be unhappy ?"

Then I started considering my life...I have many blessings, but my precious youngest daughter will never , ever be in it again. The loss of her, still crushes me inside. That weight of pain, I have crammed inside me deeper...simply trying to be able to take care of my youngest son, and be there for my older children.

I can not imagine , or even consider the possibility of ever, EVER being as joyful as this beautiful young woman who jogged past me. To feel the joy of life , as I have felt before, I know that it will not be realistic or possible for me again.

I told my husband this story, and he disagrees..he thinks I will feel it again. 

I remember sitting across from him , and I told him, " There is no way , as the loss of Sarah , is too great. It will always be a deep wound inside me. It will not be possible , as the shadow of her loss will become a part of my soul. It will be there , over-shadowing future happiness and joy."

I am aware that many , many people have suffered great loss, and keep on living, and seem to be living a joyful life. I know as a witness for God, I should do that. 

I know that it has been only 3 1/2 months since her accident , and I need to be more patient with myself.

Knowing does not help , head-knowledge is secondary to the pain that leads us all , because I know everyone has some pain that they cram inside , and I know that is not healthy, and I know it needs to be addressed and taken out and either discarded , given to God ,or accepted..or all three.

Sarah in Charleston, SC , a trip we took in 2008

 I know that my other children bring me joy , I know one day I will have some grandchildren that will bring me joy. But no one can fill the hole that is left in my heart and soul , after her death.
I also know Christian bloggers will write me and tell me that God can fill that hole...I do not see that now , but I am aware that He can heal a soul.
I have told many people that God can fill the void areas of your life. Now I am given the test of proving it , from a very deep abyss of a mother's pain.

I am also aware of the scripture verse, " The joy of the LORD is my strength. " Neh. 8:10.  I am aware that as a Christian my joy in life is not supposed to come from my circumstances, but the awareness that there is a God and believe He is who He says He is ( The Alpha and the Omega )  , and that  He alone should be the reason for me to have joy.
Not helping so far.
I feel there is a block on my mental filter when I read scripture, and especially if I read anything , like the obituary, etc. of my daughter's death. The words make no sense to me when I read them, my mind will not allow me to comprehend it.
Even looking at pictures of her, is confusing to a grieving brain.
It brings the loss smack in my face...and my mind shuts down to the reality of it.

When I have had some of you kind bloggers say, that my faith is strong after this...I do not feel that, I do not see it or experience it yet . I have not given up on God ,or my Christian faith, but I do not feel it is strong at all at present.

It is clouded, and held back by the pain that I have crammed down inside myself, and I believe that God sees me as that sullen , moody child of His...sitting in the corner watching Him warily.

Knowing that I should ' give it ' to God , that we all should give our pain to Him , may help me in the future.

 

I can't give Him my pain yet . It is holding onto me, and I am holding on to it.  I also know that is common with grief , as we feel it is all we have left of our loved ones.

 Take care,

Gina