How BASEBALL Helps Me TRUST GOD

My Braves loving son and me half- Braves half- Yankees woman  last year ( 2009 )  at the series

I wanted to write about the insights God has shown me , about why this may have happened to our Sarah and why He did or did not do anything to prevent it. To a new reader, this is about my 21 year old daughter Sarah, who was killed in a car accident almost 7 weeks ago now. In the middle of the afternoon , when her car rolled over , and our lives were wounded forever.

Sarah and me on one of our many excursions to Charleston, SC.

 After her funeral, when we were cleaning out her apartment, trying to get the wrecked car taken care of...lots of terrible tasks you have to do after an unexpected death...and while we were in the midst of all of it , I recall God showing me something concerning the possible ' Why ?' of it all. Her friend Todd, who we adore, who helped us for days afterward, was wondering about the Why . Why Sarah ? Why someone with such potential ? Why someone who loved so strongly and freely ? So very sweet inside.

I remember looking down at my kitchen counter, holding onto the sides and telling him I know why her. I told him God allows someone so special, who makes an impact on people around them, the more pleasant ones, the fun ones ...to die because the impact is SO hard, so PROFOUND , when it is someone who will be greatly missed. Who was dearly loved. I told him , the bad , the irritating, the whiny , lazy, obnoxious people He seems to leave on this earth longer to teach us how to love...as someone like Sarah was easy to love.

That insight I knew from my Mother's death at 65, but even more from Sarah's at age 21. That insight, by the way, in NO way comforts me or anyone else . But it is a sort of explanation of why the ' good die young ' or the ' good die before the evil '.

My beautiful girl in Charleston , posing for me

  Second insight...and hang on. ..the analogy with baseball is last, and the most important. 

The second is when I asked God, " Why did you not save her ?' , ' Why did you not warn her or tell her to buckle up, stop texting, whatever to SAVE her !!??" The possibility to me here, or insight was, He very well may have tried to do that. He could have told her to buckle up, stop texting, pay attention to the road,  but she, like ME or YOU, ignored his warnings, ignored or pushed God to the back burner and continued on. I know personally I have done that in areas that honestly could also have been live or death, areas that I could have been hurt or killed. But for some reason God allowed me to live in those times.

Again, it is a insight that does not comfort me, but does help me consider He may have tried to prevent this. That little nagging voice we hear, right before or during certain actions...that voice is often God.
We all need to stop, and listen.

Now for the last lesson, and we are back to baseball. I will preface this by letting everyone out there know, I don't know much about baseball. I enjoy watching it very much, it is the easiest sport to follow to me. It is one of the very few times I watch TV , as somehow the game soothes me. Plus all the players look cute in their uniforms. But I struggle to follow it when all the rules and regulations get thrown in...I look at my husband to explain what just happened...and he goes off on a LLLOOOONNNGGG explanation of why it is against some rule or not allowed or some other silly reason for an arbitrary ( to me ), call was made. He is always patient , he thinks it is funny I can't grasp the rules and the whys of baseball. But I can tell you what I have learned from it. But let me give you a example , of ' sticking with your team ' first.

Listening to the head coach.

My husband and I were watching the Yankees and the Texas Rangers a few weeks ago. My husband's favorite team, the Yankees were down 6-1 in the 6th inning ( by the way, I got this stat info from him, the man I married who doesn't remember anything important to me, but EVERY stat from the last 45+ years of Major League Baseball ). Play by plays, he has them all stored up.
Anyway, he gets disgusted with HIS team, the Yankees, and turns the station...I fuss at him, ' Turn that back , it is early still, they may come back and win ! "
He shakes his head, goes , " They are playing horrible, NO. "
But then I urge him on some more, I tell him that he can't be a fair-weather fan. And he turns back and starts to watch HIS team, with a scowl on his face.
It starts getting late, and I leave Mr. Scowly to watch his Yankees alone. He comes to bed late, and goes, " Guess what ?! they came back and won!" He then starts telling me they won 7-6 in a big rally and he was so happy. I recall I smugly said, " See, told ya so. "
That story , made me realize that when the worst possible event occurred , our daughter's death...I started questioning my ' Head coach ' --God. I started to turn in disgust at my team, my religion, mad at the unfairness of the ' rules' of trusting God, of believing He knows best no matter what. Those baseball players I see out on the field, TRUST--have confidence, that their HEAD coach , sees the BIG picture of the game. They are usually in positions of only seeing their role , their life...and cannot see how what they do affects the entire game.
But the coach is in the position of seeing and knowing , BUT he also knows these are flesh and blood people out there. They can get hurt, they can make the wrong decisions. He will try to direct and guide from the sidelines , but He will not MAKE His players do it, they have a choice.
They are not puppets to him.
We are not puppets to God.
So I can see that God is my head coach, I am not his puppet, I have free will...my Sarah was not a puppet , you are not a puppet.

He allows us to live our lives, come to Him for guidance, learn to trust Him. If He did not, if He RESCUED us ..all of us, from danger, even  from death , ALL the time...then we would worship Him and love Him for what he did for us, instead of because of who He is. We would be followers of Jesus to stay alive, be healthy, be prosperous , be happy. Not because we love Him, but for what He could do for us.
We wouldn't be sticking with our team, our God , our Christian religion because of who He is ...we would turn our backs on our team when they ' mess up ' or ' make a ridiculous life or death call ' , or appear to ' be in left field '...and look elsewhere.
When His calls don't make sense.
When life doesn't make sense.
When death doesn't make sense.
If we could understand the ways of God completely, then He would not be worthy of our worship anyway, as He is so above us intellectually, spiritually...in ALL ways magnificent and glorious. We cannot humanly, possibly comprehend all His ways.
I believe He only gives us small insights, and in unusual ways , simple ways.
Ways custom delivered to to us , custom made for us individually.

So for some reason, and honestly it makes NO sense to me, God showed me how to trust Him through baseball. A woman who has a low tolerance for trust anyway , a woman who is about as stubborn as they come, a woman who tries to ' figure out ' the whys of everything, a woman who is heartbroken over the loss of her child. He revealed a little of the whys , not through my passions, art or gardens...but baseball.
I cannot say I am completely free of fear about the future, fear of the safety of my other children and family, or even free of the anger over Sarah's death. I also do not have all my questions about her death answered, and I won't in this lifetime.
But I am stepping forward and I am going to hold on tight to God , even when I do not understand.
Through curve balls and strikes and injuries and rain delays and canceled games.

I'm sticking with my head coach. Thick or thin, hell or high water, for better for worse.
Holding on tight, with love.
He is My God.


Bless you, thanks for reading this long post, if you lasted the whole way ,
Gina

Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" John 20:28

Holding GOD at Arm's Length

Here I am with Maxine, holding her off kissing me , even though I just sprayed myself down with mosquito spray..it deters her a bit. I decided to take my professional photographer , my resident 9 year old son, out to take some pictures of my garden and me working in it.  I like to look at other gardeners working in their gardens on their blogs too. This blog is truthfully a nice distraction from my pain , and so is my garden.

But only a quick fix. A short reprieve. 
I look at it alot. Stare at it out my window, come stand out here and just ' be ' and try to still my mind.

I put on one of my gardening pants, my 4.00 LOVE camisole shirt I bought at Target , and my attractive rubber clogs , plus long white socks of my husbands. And gobs of mosquito spray. I told my son, just start taking pictures of me working. Instead I got about 10 of me working, 5 of the sky, 55 of Maxine and his tree fort , and 7 of nothing.

So much work out here. I have no idea why my garden seems oblivious to what is missing in my life. Why it is still very pretty ? How days go on as if they are normal. How life keeps going on as if nothing happened ? My daughter meant so much, she was so valuable to this world , so important a person...how can life go on as if nothing happened ? 
I do forget that newer readers may not know my 21 year old daughter was killed  in a one-car accident a little over 6 weeks ago now. http://antique-art-garden.blogspot.com/search/label/tragedy

 My little boy asks me "Why did you buy that shirt that says LOVE ? ". I told him, it was cheap and would keep me cool in the hot weather, I am sure half the college girls and half of pre-teens may have this as it was in one of those bins in the front of Target where they put these super-cheapy deals. But, I was just going to wear it to garden , nowhere else, and I made my garden with love. So that's why I bought it.

He looks at the LOVE on my shirt, then looks up at me to see if I really mean it...then he appears satisfied I did and walks away to take more pictures.

I have been asking God lots of questions, angry questions, accusing questions, pointed questions. Repetitive questions. Did He not know how valuable, how special she was ? How much she could give to this world ?

No answers. I did get 2 insights , two I will write about in another post. But no definitive answers.

I am suffering in my relationship with Him, as I know I do not trust Him like I was learning to do. I know I am not alone in this world, losing someone dear to me , someone tragically young, someone with a heart of gold. I am just confused who He is exactly , or learning who He exactly is...and it was not my version of my God. I always believed He would protect those who love Him, guide them daily in their lives, and especially protect the ones who may not be perfect but are really trying to be a better person, a stronger Christian. Like my Sarah.
Good gracious He protected me as a nutty, impetuous, erratic driver when I was young. So why not me, why instead her ?

I have read all the ' because there is sin in this world, that is why she died.", analogies. I have read, ' the rain falls on the just and unjust' lessons. I have heard it must have been ' her time ' to go advice.

But let me try to explain, that once you see your beautiful, full of life child, laid in  a casket, never to breathe again...if you believe you will automatically be OK with the situation spiritually, that your Christian faith will sustain you, that you will completely trust God's will in this tragedy..then you will be mistaken, as the wind will be sucked out of your spiritual sails , almost daily.

My heart and soul feels as overflowing with doubt and confusion as my garden is overflowing with weeds. I talk to God, I know that I should keep drawing nearer to Him, as the Bible tells me to...but I hold Him at arm's length while I fuss. My soul is despairing over the emptiness of my life without my Sarah, and now the emptiness of my soul without my complete trust in God. About how UNFAIR this was to her. That fact really, really kills me.
Relationships, human and otherwise...will not flourish without trust. I want to trust Him, I want to say that He is good and just..always. But I cannot, and that is painful to me.
So , arm's length...not with my back to him...just not allowing Him to get close to me yet.
I do know that I love Him, He is my God , Jesus is my savior. But my spirit and soul and heart are crushed with the weight of this loss.

Deep in my garden here.

I was getting attacked my mosquitoes, left and right. Trying to swat them away , miserable to work or try to like this. Can you see all the weeds , crazy.

I am going to stop this post , and will write about an exclusive club I was invited to that same afternoon as the mosquito invasion. Look at all the weeds  mixed with my flowers. See my heart behind me ...my garden really does soothe me. I am trying to get out here more, my husband sprayed for mosquitoes yesterday and it did help. I am trying to keep up with it , I have not had it inside me to work out here.


I appreciate you followers very much...don't give up on me getting my spiritual walk back on track, I know that God will not ever give up on me. I just need to learn how to not give up on Him.


Bless you,


Gina

RELUCTANT Faith

Wanted to show a few pictures from my center, or Mother garden, to all of my gardens. I think of each of my garden beds as extensions of this one. I remember distinctly, staring out my big window and planning to start this garden from nothing.

Or weeds, there was a large area that encompassed the back yard that was weeds and grass. So I went out one day, about 7 years ago, and dug up a center area. Right where that fountain is.

My husband thought I was nuts, and he likes clean, simple backyards. Grass and bushes , nothing ' busy or cluttered '...that did not stop me, as I know he was not against me doing it, just not ' for' me doing it.

I have no idea why my garden is doing OK right now. I have not really been tending it.

My blue plumbago is blooming,, now on both sides of my garden. Even my trumpet vine is re-blooming, third time since the Spring.

 I do trim it back, it is quite happy to be here, but vines are generally too happy anywhere.

I look at it, I look at my garden everyday...and I guess it is pretty. Colors, even beautiful things I see ...are now dulled.

Someone needs to get out here and weed.

On my walk this morning, I prayed or mainly talked with God, just a little. I am not ' praising ' God, or expressing thankfulness through my sorrow. I have tried, but it is hollow inside and I know He knows I do not mean it. I feel like a reluctant Christian...not running to God right now. But also not letting go of Him.

You know, like a child forced to hold their Father's hand when they cross a busy street. I had all of my children go through that, " I'm too big to hold your hand', and they would reluctantly grasp a finger of mine, and not my whole hand. And they would scowl and pout the whole way across the street.

That's me.

I do not want to hear from more ' mature' Christians that I just need to trust Him, all will be fine. The only ones I believe , are the ones who have walked in my shoes now.

The other Christians, the ones who THINK they know how they would react or act in my circumstances...are really fooling themselves as I thought I was much stronger in my faith than I am appearing or feeling.

I would not respond how Abraham in the Bible responded to God, when God told him to sacrifice his beloved son, Issac,  on the mountain. Abraham trusted God, and went forward , God admired Abraham's faith and He gave him another sacrifice instead of his son.

I would have told God, " No way am I going to do that. ', if He had asked me to sacrifice my child. Any of my children. I am not trying to be sacrilegious when I say that. I have been a terribly over-protective ( safety-wise ) mother of all my children for all of their lives. My basic nature is to protect my children and nurture them , in a strong way .

That revelation is nothing new to God, He knows me. 

I guess I am saying this to let you know that I know God will use my daughter's death, my Sarah, for good. I know that. 

But that does not comfort me, not at all, it does not strengthen my faith at all. Not now.

My faith is smaller than it was, but still there.

I am holding on reluctantly to Him...with one finger , not happy...not letting go,

on this road.

Bless you,

Gina

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28-29