I have not written in awhile, as the last few months leading up to the anniversary of my youngest daughter Sarah's death , has been wrought with much emotion. None productive , all draining in every way. I have had some nice bloggers write me and tell me they miss my posts, and so I decided to write a fairly simple one.
Simple, but infinitely deep to me.
Let me tell you what the picture above is. It is me, leaning back on a railing about 14 or 15 years ago , in Cherokee , North Carolina...somewhere on the Blue Ridge parkway. That is Sarah, about 6 or 7 years old, showing the scenery. I remember taking this picture, the wind was blowing , the air was crisp the mountains were beautiful ...and it was June. I also vaguely recall feeling nervous leaning on that railing, as there was a huge drop below.
Isn't she cute as a button ? I have always liked this picture, we were all happy taking a family vacation up there...and I always liked it how when Sarah was young she would be such a ham-bone for the camera.
I was exactly like that when I was young too.
Since her accident, I have had this picture up on the bulletin board behind me where I work on my eBay site. I can see it reflected in the mirror back at me, if I scoot over to a certain degree , and it has been ' saying ' something, if pictures could talk..everytime I look at it.
What I feel it says it says to me is , well actually what I feel Sarah is saying to me is, " Look ! Look at your future , see how big it is. Look how beautiful it is . Look ! "
She is full of joy in her young eyes and her smile. Her young arm stretched out, showing the vast majestic mountains to the future, to encourage me.
I am smiling , I look happy here.
The process of grief has been very, very slow for me. I believe I am part snail as I am hanging on to the past with her tight. I feel like I have hardly gotten out of the intense stage of grief , but I do have days that are better than others. I still, continually, always miss her and long to hold her in my arms.
The lesson here, in my picture, the message I have not grasped or remotely attained so far is this:
Every day ,each one of us, has the choice to look more in the past or more into the future. Since I am a melancholy , romantic fool most of the time...I tend to always keep looking back. Not to discount the value of our lives memories , but I am aware that looking back so much leaves less room for looking at the present day or future.
This post was to encourage anyone , that feels hopeless, depressed , anxious and deep in their own pit,
to look at what my Sarah is showing you,
you have a future,
it is beautiful,