Thursday, July 29, 2010

On SEEING a MIRAGE & Note from my 9 year old EVENING


Yesterday was a bad day , but ended...at the very, very end...a OK day. I'll start with a little of the bad, not all, as it is tedious. Just know that I had some issues come up that made the day very stressful, and then I got back home with my little boy.
He always makes me smile. I did get Sarah's butterfly painted for her garden. Not a professional job , but I like it.

It was painted with love, and no skill . Sarah often put a heart above her name like that.


I had been cleaning up Sarah's things, going through them for days now, a draining experience. An experience I can honestly say I would not wish on my worst enemy .That early evening, my little one wanted pizza for dinner, I had a gift card, and we got in the car and went to our favorite restaurant. I have not been out much, do not want to run into anyone , see anyone, talk with anyone. But my husband was out, so we did it together. The place was packed, I left my sunglasses on and pushed through the crowds to the take out area. I saw people look at me, I knew some knew who I was.
I wanted no one to speak to me.
Then the girl goes, " That will be 22.00 more dollars. " I look up at her, and realize I brought the wrong gift card inside, tell my son to stay there..to go back to my car to get my debit card.
Then my mirage appeared.

A very beautiful young blonde, who looked like my Sarah, I completely froze as she stopped me , arms out...and said, " I am so, so sorry."
I could not breathe, I thought it WAS Sarah.
Then in a few short seconds, I realized it was a young friend of mine, another beautiful blonde, who had her sunglasses pushed up on her head, had her arms out like my Sarah used to do.
And my heart almost stopped.
I hugged her, said, " Oh my God, you look so much like Sarah..you freaked me out.. "
Then I rushed out to my car. I could barely breathe, got back quickly, looked at my son, he was curious why I was crying.
I told him what happened , he told me lots of Sarah's friends look like her..at least to a 9 year old.
I then turned to leave, and ran into her again ! Told her she really freaked me out again ( wasn't that dumb to say twice or what ?), and then drove home crying.
You see I believed, for a split second...that it may have all been a mistake. That I may have my Sarah back, that she was right in front of me.
I really believed that.
The grief people call that being in the denial stage still.


Then when I got home , we ate our pizza, took Maxine for a walk, and then I kept remembering the feeling and what happened. I was trying to compose myself, still shaken up. A bit later, my daughter and son-in-law stopped by to take Maxine for another walk. My son-in-law that I adore...tried to make it to Sarah's funeral, but it took him 5 days to get back from Afghanistan. So he missed it, but has helped us with getting her apartment cleaned out, and many other things that needed to get done. ( Plus my daughter has helped tremendously, I will write about that another time, so much work on her part that first week especially ).
You can not believe the things you need to do after someone dies , and they have to be done quickly.
Anyway, he is shown above last night, he and my oldest beloved daughter...I told them what happened and they go , " How could you think she was Sarah ?' They thought I was bonkers.
I could concur that I feel crazy and bonkers , out in left field , looney , at present, but I insisted she did.
Then my son-in-law goes, " I understand..it was like a mirage. "
 I looked up at him and said , " Yes, I desperately want to see her, it was like a mirage."
They saw my sadness and decided to try to cheer me up.

Then he and my other beautiful daughter sat around and entertained us with stories, and they are both delightful to be around.


He is very dramatic and entertaining , they had been walking at 8 PM, and it was about 90 degrees still and 85% humidity. I still wanted their pictures.
Love these two bunches.
Young love.

Finally it was getting late, I had to get our little boy to bed...and got him all tucked in with Maxine and a prayer and a kiss.
Then later on, got upstairs in my bathroom...was leaning over to get my toothbrush...and I see this note. It was a note, that my 9 year old left me...concerning getting his dad out of bed early ( 6:20 AM ), to go play baseball at the field near our house.
here is the note:

He wanted to make sure I got his dad up, and it made me smile.

I will have to get myself used to seeing young blondes , that are not my little girl.

thanks for listening to my rambling, bless you,
Gina

18 comments:

  1. AWWWWW Gina, I know we have never met and yet my heart knows what your does, and just how isolating it can feel. I lost my grandson 3 years ago the 26th. We had a connection that defies any explanation since the moment we laid eyes on each other. Long story short: Dominic needed heart surgery, which we already knew about an dplanned for, after he was born. He was quite a chubby 8 pounder and it was hard to think of him being sickly. Complications arose just after they told us everythingw as great & they were closing early. I would not let my daughter & boyfriend lose any hope because I had complete faith in God that Dominic would be coming home a healthy boy. When the docs said they were going to take him off the machines & let him go, still I had no fear. Unfornately God had a different plan & I was so shocked and utterly devastated.

    We literally just bought our first house just 2 days earlier. Alot of unexplainable things began happening to me and yet I never felt anything but "safe and protected" here, I really can't explain it any better than that. It was a good thing, whether people thought I was crazy or not, I knew it was good.

    Anyway, this is a poem I had written up & laminated for Dominic's first birthday:
    Forget me not, for I am there
    In the beat of your heart,
    On the wing of your prayer.
    Forgive me for parting
    & leaving you thus,
    A joyous reunion is waiting for us!
    Feel my presence within
    your next breath & realize
    there i sno distance in detah.
    Ask for my help &
    I'll answer your call.
    Reach for my hand when
    you stumble and fall.
    Run the last mile with a
    smile on your face,
    My arms will be waiting
    when you finish the race.
    Always remember,
    my love is right there
    In the beat of your heart,
    On the wing of your prayer.

    I made a bunch of these (Dom's picture on the other side), tied them to balloons with "Forget Me Not" seeds in them. Each person that came that evening to celebrate his life was giving one to let go where ever they pleased. I still have one of the cards tucked in my wallet, days when I feeled overwhelmed I pul lit out & read it again for the millionth time.
    Peace will come when your ready, till then may God carry you & give you strength to face a new life without your Sarah. <3XXXXOOOO

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  2. Oh Gina - I know what you mean. I try to conjure my Dad sometimes out of men his age/height and watch them wishing it could be him. Its natural to lose a parent. So much harder for you losing your beautiful daughter. I am glad that you are writing your blog though. I don't consider it rambling.

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  3. Gina Oh I remember when my deceased father and brother ... I saw them everywhere on every street corner, someone who shares the same style clothing as some people seemed to my father, I saw my brother very often as a driving myself on the road was so bad experience ... but it really stops the only time honey, take your time do it your way is the best that you know what you can handle, another can not feel what you feel, I think of you,many hugs and lots of love Ria............

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  4. Dear Gina ~ I just love Sarah's garden butterfly sign and it looks wonderful in among the plants.

    I would say it is only natural in your situation to see Sarah in every young blond woman you see.

    Your SIL and your other beautiful daughter make a lovely couple and love just glows all around them.

    That sign by your son is really cute. 'Hit him with pillows.'

    Love and hugs dearheart ~ FlowerLady

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  5. Oh Gina I am crying for you sweetie. Gosh this IS the most difficult thing for you and your family to deal with. I can truly understand how you must have felt like you were seeing Sarah. Like you might wake up and the past 2-3 weeks were just a bad dream. I wish that were so. Honey I am praying for you. I know it's hard on the whole family but as a mother I think it is harder because of our nurturing. May God hold you close to His bosom till the pain subsides and bring you comfort and rest. God bless.

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  6. Gina I love that you are still blogging and sharing your sweet Sarah. We did'nt know her but as mothers we do know the love you have and we have for our children. I try to remember that is how God loves us too. You and your family are always in my prayers.

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  7. oh honey...i think it's great to see sarah everywhere. part of the grieving process for you and it is all right. everyone grieves differently and it is all good. i think of you every day sweety and know how terribly hard this must be. how lovely for your daughter to be with her husband right now. lean on each other. praying for you, dear one.
    erin

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  8. The sign is PERFECT....the note precious. In between I get a glimpse of the pain and on-going adjustments to the reality of Sarah's death. I'm not sure how people survive without the grace of God and assurance of eternal life with Him. This is all so fresh, Gina. Don' rush yourself through the "stages". So glad you're writing!

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  9. I can completely see how you might have thought she was Sarah. She is on your mind constantly and most likely every blonde woman will remind you of her for quite some time. It's true that there is so much to do. My aunt and cousin died within 6 months of each other early this year and the amount of things to be done is mind numbing. I love your sign for Sarah's garden, and I hope you are able to find comfort there.

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  10. Your sign turned out perfectly for Sarah's garden. It sounds like you all are such a good support to each other right now. I've been thinking lots about you. I love your son's idea to wake his dad up, hope it worked so they could go play ball.

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  11. Oh Gina, try to relax and process things a little at a time. It is NOT uncommom to see our departed ones for a while after they have passed. I used to 'think' I saw my late husband driving cars in town. Lovely sign, painted with love! Cute note, I'm sure your son brings you a lot of smiles....

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  12. Gina, I love your garden sign...beautiful!
    I also understand how you'd be freaked out by the similar look of your friend to your Sarah. After all, she's on your mind constantly. I'm glad you post about your experiences and emotions...I hope it helps. I've watched my dear Aunt attempt to "get over" the loss of her daughter, my cousin, many years ago. It never happens...you never "get over" it. But, thankfully, the pain lessens with time. And God is good.
    Hugs!!! - Kimberly

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  13. Gina,
    The most difficult part of blogging is not being able to touch and see you.
    I, like you have four children, one with Sarah and Jesus and three that still "look out for me" They like yours, have been so wonderful during the last 22 months.Within hours of Jon's death my oldest son, Daniel, drove three states away and cleaned out the apartment and brought me all Jonathan's belongings so I would be able to sort through them when I was ready. My youngest, Seth, a captain in the army still calls me everyday to check in. He and Jonathan were best friends.

    I have tried numerous times to go through Jon's things but when I touch his clothing I still collapse to the floor, I feel physical pain, I cry and I experience the same breathing you described after your mirage.

    Tomorrow I say good-bye to Jon's 11 year old daughter who looks just like him, and she wants to take one of his shirts home with her so we will do that today. I haven't taken her to the cemetery and she has been here a month, she wants to go, we will do that today too.

    Gina,
    What I am trying to say is that it doesn't matter what the experts say about the stages of grief, you do what you have to do so that you can do what you need to do. This is your time, take it.
    Most of the time I am pretty together but I never try to explain to anyone what causes me to break from time to time. When I play the picture video of my son's life I still try to reach for him.
    I stayed in my house for days, where would I possibly want to go?
    I am so glad you have a young son. He is so alive and his business in life will keep you going when you don't want to.

    When your love connection is as deep as a mother and her child, your grief will be intense also and at times without explanation.
    You will think of Sarah and the tragedy that took her away the last thing before you close your eyes for sleep and the first thing when you awaken, for a very long time. The dull pain will not suddenly subside but gradually wear away. You cannot shorten this time but you don't have to go it alone. Reach out and talk to others who have lost children. Find people who will let you talk about Sarah all the time. There is so much healing in memories and great joy too! Surround yourself with people who are comfortable with your tears. Forgive those who say things that hurt, they really don't know what to say.
    You will have lived a great deal more of life than others and you will have so much to share as God walks you through this valley.I am sorry for your pain. Love to you,Meg

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  14. gina, i love your garden sign...and your family pictures. it's a privilege to hear about daughter, your life, and your feelings about it all. peace, daricia

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  15. Gina, the butterfly is beautiful. And what a loving, wonderful family you have. My husband tells me that he sometimes thought he had seen his sister after she was killed in a car accident at age 17. Echoing the words of hazeltree. . .we are with you.

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  16. I know you must still feel somewhat numb from the shock. A pastor friend told me after my father died suddently, that is how we are protected from the shock--the numb feeling is there for a reason. Grief is a gradual process--I certainly don't know it all, but caring for a young child is a blessing. My children were young when I lost my dad, and I had to care for them--I had to stay busy. I know it helped me cope. I'm praying for you and your family. V.

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  17. Gina, I didn't know your Sarah or you only by your blog. And you are such a funny, free spirit, giving and caring person. You live your life to the fulliest. Sarah will be there with you always. I love how you did her Butterfly. My daughter does little things like that when she writes. They are special and precious in every way. One Moment at a time..God Bless

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I love comments , please leave one if you like. I try to respond to comments,but if I'm running behind, please know that I read each one before they are published. Thanks much, Gina