A Picture can say a THOUSAND Words

I have not written in awhile, as the last few months leading up to the anniversary of my youngest daughter Sarah's death , has been wrought with much emotion. None productive , all draining in every way. I have had some nice bloggers write me and tell me they miss my posts, and so I decided to write a fairly simple one.

Simple, but infinitely deep to me.

Let me tell you what the picture above is. It is me, leaning back on a railing about 14 or 15 years ago , in Cherokee , North Carolina...somewhere on the Blue Ridge parkway. That is Sarah, about 6 or 7 years old, showing the scenery. I remember taking this picture, the wind was blowing , the air was crisp the mountains were beautiful ...and it was June. I also vaguely recall feeling nervous leaning on that railing, as there was a huge drop below.

Isn't she cute as a button ? I have always liked this picture, we were all happy taking a family vacation up there...and I always liked it how when Sarah was young she would be such a ham-bone for the camera.

I was exactly like that when I was young too.

Since her accident, I have had this picture up on the bulletin board behind me where I work on my eBay site. I can see it reflected in the mirror back at me, if I scoot over to a certain degree , and it has been ' saying ' something, if pictures could talk..everytime I look at it.

What I feel it says it says to me is , well actually what I feel Sarah is saying to me is, " Look ! Look at your future , see how big it is. Look how beautiful it is . Look ! "

She is full of joy in her young eyes and her smile. Her young arm stretched out, showing the vast majestic mountains to the future, to encourage me.

I am smiling , I look happy here.

 The process of grief has been very, very slow for me. I believe I am part snail as I am hanging on to the past with her tight.  I feel like I have hardly gotten out of the intense stage of grief , but I do have days that are better than others. I still, continually, always miss her and long to hold her in my arms.

The lesson here, in my picture, the message I have not grasped or remotely attained so far is this:

Every day ,each one of us, has the choice to look more in the past or more into the future. Since I am a melancholy , romantic fool most of the time...I tend to always keep looking back. Not to discount the value of our lives memories , but I am aware that looking back so much leaves less room for looking at the present day or future.

This post was to encourage anyone , that feels hopeless, depressed , anxious and deep in their own pit,

to look at what my Sarah is showing you,

you have a future,

it is beautiful,

Look !

Blessings,

Gina

When the DUST Settles---What's Left ?

Confederate cemetery last year 2009

I was driving out of the cemetery, the one where my daughter Sarah, and my mother Sarah ( I named Sarah after my mother )...are buried...we ended up burying our daughter in the spot that was reserved for me, by my mother. I have been tending the grave site, I usually only go once a week as it is unbearably painful to go more often. It is not comforting to go plant flowers in the planters I have there, it is not comforting to go there and water the little bushes and tress I have planted to give the site some color. To show that someone cared about these people in the ground. That they are important to someone---to me. It means something to me to be able to do that.
I think one of the stark facts, when I  am driving out of that horrible place...as cemeteries are not beautiful or even interesting to me anymore...they are ugly to me. My Sarah used to meet me out here ,when I brought some flowers to plant in some planters  I have out here, she would meet me...and hug me and say it was pretty ,whatever I had just planted. She would come out here by herself as well, and put a rose on her grandmother's grave.. . she would typically text me and tell me she did. So to stand out there, where we stood and talked ...is surreal to me. The natural order of life, a mother burying her child...instead of the other way around , is unsettling to all.

Sarah drinking a juicy-juice--a 21 year old kid still.

When I get back in my car, to leave...I have been struck by the most sobering thought , the most important realization this brings to me..to all of us. I know in another 50 years, maybe a few decades more...but probably 50...no one will know who my baby girl was. Most of the people she loved and influenced...will be old or gone or have forgotten her. Not all, but most. The same is true of my mother who died at 65. In another 20 years, except for her family, this world will have forgotten her. The concept upsets me tremendously about My Sarah, as I want her life to count for something. I do not want her to fade, but she will. I will, and you will. All that will be left of us...will be dust.
I would slow my car down, driving through ...looking at the untended graves, forgotten dead...time has taken their last visitors. 
So I have been considering what do we, or what can we leave behind in this world ? 

Sarah celebrating her 21st birthday with her friends

The only thing that I can see , worth leaving...or what will be left behind after we are gone...are two things. One is faith, your faith can be passed down from generation to generation. I am trying to pass down my faith in Jesus and God Almighty, to my children...and then they will to their children...and hopefully ...as it has been done for thousands of years, keep getting passed down .
The second thing is love, not the love I had for my daughter...that will last with me until I die, but the evidence, the actions of love that you show people---that example keeps love alive forever. Love , and how you care for someone ...teaches future generations how to live their lives with love.


Your bank account will one day be gone , your jewelry that you pass down from generation to generation will probably get sold somewhere along the way to an outsider, your precious belongings and collections will also be sold, your homes , your businesses...eventually it will all pass away. So what you spend so much time and effort on , will have no lasting effect on this world or your legacy. Not that I am dismissing how everyone makes a living or hobbies...it is just that we all waste so much time on activities , TV watching, aimless internet surfing, shopping , working too much....there are so many ways we all waste our days , or spend excessive time on...and those days turn into years. And then what is left behind from your life ?

Me and Sarah Thanksgiving 2009

I am so far behind on my love-walk, my example to my family and my church and to my friends , that I feel over-whelmed and guilty over how I have let people down that I care deeply about. All I can do, is try to stop and consider my actions, and my words when I interact with them. Each  one of those can reveal lots of pain inside me at present. And if a person is in pain , they can lash out or withdraw or get lazy with their words and their actions.
I know I have to give myself time , I also know that I have to be aware of how I use what I have left . I have been going through that denial stage of grief again...then I get to the anger stage...that one is pretty big with me. I have been distracting myself with buying some art to sell on my eBay site, but deep down...my grief is hidden and festers . It is waiting for me to take it up again. Releasing it is so very painful ...that I keep shying away from opening it up again. 
I know I must.




Life is fragile--handle it with great care ,
bless you,
Gina

Break Time

The breadth and enormity of my loss is crushing me lately. I know many of you readers have some stories and moments of loss and tragedy, and all tell me time will help heal the pain. I cannot grasp this concept, I hear and understand it, but so far , time is only bringing more pain . I know it is early still, but my loss is so huge , I cannot see how time can cover it. It is overwhelming my days and nights.

I will take a small blogging break , as it is very hard to write now. I do want to write about my other daughter, so I'll be back.

Remember , never, ever wait to show the ones that you love...how much they mean to you. Please remember.

Love Strong,

Gina