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| Confederate cemetery last year 2009 |
I was driving out of the cemetery, the one where my daughter Sarah, and my mother Sarah ( I named Sarah after my mother )...are buried...we ended up burying our daughter in the spot that was reserved for me, by my mother. I have been tending the grave site, I usually only go once a week as it is unbearably painful to go more often. It is not comforting to go plant flowers in the planters I have there, it is not comforting to go there and water the little bushes and tress I have planted to give the site some color. To show that someone cared about these people in the ground. That they are important to someone---to me. It means something to me to be able to do that.
I think one of the stark facts, when I am driving out of that horrible place...as cemeteries are not beautiful or even interesting to me anymore...they are ugly to me. My Sarah used to meet me out here ,when I brought some flowers to plant in some planters I have out here, she would meet me...and hug me and say it was pretty ,whatever I had just planted. She would come out here by herself as well, and put a rose on her grandmother's grave.. . she would typically text me and tell me she did. So to stand out there, where we stood and talked ...is surreal to me. The natural order of life, a mother burying her child...instead of the other way around , is unsettling to all.
When I get back in my car, to leave...I have been struck by the most sobering thought , the most important realization this brings to me..to all of us. I know in another 50 years, maybe a few decades more...but probably 50...no one will know who my baby girl was. Most of the people she loved and influenced...will be old or gone or have forgotten her. Not all, but most. The same is true of my mother who died at 65. In another 20 years, except for her family, this world will have forgotten her. The concept upsets me tremendously about My Sarah, as I want her life to count for something. I do not want her to fade, but she will. I will, and you will. All that will be left of us...will be dust.
I would slow my car down, driving through ...looking at the untended graves, forgotten dead...time has taken their last visitors.
So I have been considering what do we, or what can we leave behind in this world ?
The only thing that I can see , worth leaving...or what will be left behind after we are gone...are two things. One is faith, your faith can be passed down from generation to generation. I am trying to pass down my faith in Jesus and God Almighty, to my children...and then they will to their children...and hopefully ...as it has been done for thousands of years, keep getting passed down .
The second thing is love, not the love I had for my daughter...that will last with me until I die, but the evidence, the actions of love that you show people---that example keeps love alive forever. Love , and how you care for someone ...teaches future generations how to live their lives with love.
Your bank account will one day be gone , your jewelry that you pass down from generation to generation will probably get sold somewhere along the way to an outsider, your precious belongings and collections will also be sold, your homes , your businesses...eventually it will all pass away. So what you spend so much time and effort on , will have no lasting effect on this world or your legacy. Not that I am dismissing how everyone makes a living or hobbies...it is just that we all waste so much time on activities , TV watching, aimless internet surfing, shopping , working too much....there are so many ways we all waste our days , or spend excessive time on...and those days turn into years. And then what is left behind from your life ?
I am so far behind on my love-walk, my example to my family and my church and to my friends , that I feel over-whelmed and guilty over how I have let people down that I care deeply about. All I can do, is try to stop and consider my actions, and my words when I interact with them. Each one of those can reveal lots of pain inside me at present. And if a person is in pain , they can lash out or withdraw or get lazy with their words and their actions.
I know I have to give myself time , I also know that I have to be aware of how I use what I have left . I have been going through that denial stage of grief again...then I get to the anger stage...that one is pretty big with me. I have been distracting myself with buying some art to sell on my eBay site, but deep down...my grief is hidden and festers . It is waiting for me to take it up again. Releasing it is so very painful ...that I keep shying away from opening it up again.
I know I must.
Life is fragile--handle it with great care ,
bless you,
Gina
I think one of the stark facts, when I am driving out of that horrible place...as cemeteries are not beautiful or even interesting to me anymore...they are ugly to me. My Sarah used to meet me out here ,when I brought some flowers to plant in some planters I have out here, she would meet me...and hug me and say it was pretty ,whatever I had just planted. She would come out here by herself as well, and put a rose on her grandmother's grave.. . she would typically text me and tell me she did. So to stand out there, where we stood and talked ...is surreal to me. The natural order of life, a mother burying her child...instead of the other way around , is unsettling to all.
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| Sarah drinking a juicy-juice--a 21 year old kid still. |
I would slow my car down, driving through ...looking at the untended graves, forgotten dead...time has taken their last visitors.
So I have been considering what do we, or what can we leave behind in this world ?
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| Sarah celebrating her 21st birthday with her friends |
The second thing is love, not the love I had for my daughter...that will last with me until I die, but the evidence, the actions of love that you show people---that example keeps love alive forever. Love , and how you care for someone ...teaches future generations how to live their lives with love.
Your bank account will one day be gone , your jewelry that you pass down from generation to generation will probably get sold somewhere along the way to an outsider, your precious belongings and collections will also be sold, your homes , your businesses...eventually it will all pass away. So what you spend so much time and effort on , will have no lasting effect on this world or your legacy. Not that I am dismissing how everyone makes a living or hobbies...it is just that we all waste so much time on activities , TV watching, aimless internet surfing, shopping , working too much....there are so many ways we all waste our days , or spend excessive time on...and those days turn into years. And then what is left behind from your life ?
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| Me and Sarah Thanksgiving 2009 |
I know I have to give myself time , I also know that I have to be aware of how I use what I have left . I have been going through that denial stage of grief again...then I get to the anger stage...that one is pretty big with me. I have been distracting myself with buying some art to sell on my eBay site, but deep down...my grief is hidden and festers . It is waiting for me to take it up again. Releasing it is so very painful ...that I keep shying away from opening it up again.
I know I must.
Life is fragile--handle it with great care ,
bless you,
Gina
Dear Gina ~ Another heartfelt, thought provoking post. As a believer in Jesus and in the rapture of all believers, (which we feel may be sooner than we think), we are NOT going to just be dust, we are going to be resurrected bodies living forever with Jesus throughout eternity.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about life being fragile and that it needs to be handled with care.
You are moving along at your own pace, don't get stressed about it and remember that God is with you every step of the way, every minute of every day. He knows your hurt, your anger and everything else that you are feeling.
Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady
Hi Flowerlady, I was referring to what we leave behind on this EARTH, not in heaven. I didn't go into the rapture, and being given new bodies then. I am just talking about what we leave behind for future generations here, love u too, Gina
ReplyDeleteLove the new photo of you and your son. Another thought provoking post that you are so adept at. I know God has whispered to me many times after reading one of your post.
ReplyDeleteGina,
ReplyDeleteI have in a box about 25 letters that had been written to my great-grandmother when she was a young mother. She had moved with her husband to a town hours away from the rest of her family by train or carriage. She had babies in that town away from her family and two of them died. Some of the letters were expressing sympathy about that. Some were from her husband when she was back home visiting. That husband was murdered. The letters changed and were from family helping her decide what to do. She moved back closer to family, met a man, and remarried. Then there were letters about her new husband. I never met this great-grandmother but I learned so much about her from these letters (not even letters that she wrote)and from stories my mother told. I passed those stories on to my children along with copies of those letters. I hope that they will pass on stories to their children. People do live on through those whose lives they have touched. Having written or recorded record helps. By sharing your story through your blog you have touched many, and that will live on even in people who don't know your name. For if you've touched one person that one person will likely touch the life of another. Love multiples, faith grows stronger. God works through you - you just have to be a willing vessel.
I'm not familiar with the idea of Rapture. The word doesn't occur in the Bible.
ReplyDeleteLeaving the 'Rapture' aside, I think FlowerLady is correct in saying that your post gave the impression that you thought that Sarah is no more than a memory.
Many people, rightly or wrongly, believe that 'sprit', or something, survives death. There's a lot of confusion and delusion in this area. Jung spent a lot of time trying to find out, and his answers were, I think, inconclusive, one way or the other. Anyone living can have 'real dreams' about the deceased. Is that just memory and a trick of the imagination, or is it something else.
I once read a book by Marie-Louise von Franz where she said that people with spiritual aspirations sometimes die young because of fateful accidents. She was actually talking about men. There is a type of man who wants to 'reach for the stars'. According to MLvF these men often take up pursuits such as mountaineering and flying, and sometimes die because of it. At first I could hardly believe that MLvF was serious about this. Astronauts are that type of man too. Not all men want to become astronauts, just a few do, and some die because of it. Sometime later I saw MLvF make a similar remark in another book, and the sense seemed to be that spiritually inclined people are sometimes 'taken by fate'.
I don't know if you ever knew about Princess Diana. Diana was killed at a relatively young age, in a car crash. Diana had the world at her feet. If there is a God, why did that happen. Her funeral was a massive event. It's on YouTube. Here's a clip which shows the huge crowds, which gradually grow towards the end of the clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsIg-3_vMZw
Another blog that I follow flagged up this program, which starts on PBS tonight:
http://www.pbs.org/godinamerica/
I had a look at the PBS trailer. It seemed to come mainly the view that 'God acts in History'. That's a Jewish idea. It's one way how Judaism differs from Pagan religions. There's also the complementary view (also Jewish) that God acts directly in people's lives.
Gina,
ReplyDeleteYou just need to do whatever helps at the moment, in your own way and time. I do agree with all you say about the things that we CAN leave behind. They are indeed the most precious and powerful. Although I know that I shall one day meet some of my family in heaven, it is so important to keep love in all it's forms strong here on earth as much as we can. Anyway, probably rambling and not making much sense so will finish with a ((((((( Gina )))))))...I believe that's a cyber hug.
p.s....thanks for sharing with us, it has woken me up to re-evaluate areas of my own life.
This video is an interview with a couple that I know. I thought you MIGHT want to give it a peek. http://www.vimeo.com/15429405
ReplyDeleteAs for the "rapture", as you may know, the word may not occur in the Bible, but it is clearly explained in I Thessalonians 4:13-5:11 --that last verse mentioned saying: "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."
You, my dear are building others up as you encourage us to consider how we are using our time with our precious loved ones.
The video I mentioned ended with the advice to turn to the Word of God, the people of God and the Spirit of God in our times of great loss and tragedy. Coming from those who have experienced it first-hand as you have, I value those words.
P.S. I LOVE the picture of you and your son in the header.
Gina that is a beautiful post. It makes so much sense and is so true. That is an eye opener for me. You are a blessing. Accept that you are a blessing and that you have so much to share/give, even if you think you don't. I appreciate you.
ReplyDeleteLove the new header too.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very moving, thought provoking post. I lost both of my parents and my brother within a year, and I was struck with many similar thoughts, especially as I was in the process of selling my parents' house and deciding what to do with their belongings. All these thing pass away, and what is left is the impact we have on other people. That impact can spread from generation to generation, and even when our names and faces are forgotten, that love can still be working in hearts that beat long after us.
ReplyDeleteLife is a gift not to be wasted, and the value of that life is not measured in years. Thank you for the reminder that how we live our lives is most important. I continue to pray for you.